alphaomega

I have noticed that some posters, (one that comes to mind for me is the brilliant Melindaflowers) when they post or reflect at all on their drinking days, post with such disdain and disgust for all things related to drinking, that it immediately turns my stomach remembering the horrible hangovers. <that is a run-on sorry

It is a very reinforcing reminder of the bad times. And it helps so much.

Sometimes I find myself longing for the "good old days" none of which they were or had been for a very very long time.

sg1970

Loathe. Even the thought of drinking a beer makes me want to gag. Hope it stays that way.

Soberwolf

Loathe

SoberLeigh

Loathe. I never again want to see the blankness in my eyes or feel the nothingness within.

tomsteve

I remember hearing that if I don't remember my last drunk I haven't had it yet.
I don't remember my last drunk. I was a blackout drinker.
But I remember a LOT of the next day and quite a few after that.
For every fun time I had while drinking, which there actually were quite a few quite some time before I crossed the line into full blown alcoholism, there are at least 100 miserable, disgusting times.
My past is a very valuable possession. If I forget it I'll repeat it.

Loathe- intense dislike or disgust.
I don't loathe alcohol. And I don't long for it either. I have been put in a position of neutrality.

least

Every once in a while I get a craving for alcohol. Then immediately follows disgust and hatred of drinking. I get thoughts of it, but then feel glad I don't drink anymore.

Scram

Oohhhh, good topic! Actually very interesting to me because there's a balance in play here I that I haven't totally figured out.

Basically, how to move forward while simultaneously not forgetting the past. And I mean, the real past, not the romanticized past that the alcoholic brain tries to convince you of.

I know wallowing in my past failures is a huge potential trigger in itself. But I don't want to forget my beginnings. My brain has a remarkable ability to convince me that a soul crushing disaster that occurred maybe 72 hours ago wasn't "all that bad." How do I keep these delusional thoughts from entering 1 week, 1 month, 3 months, 1 year down the line?

dwtbd

The longing is pure AV, the loathing should be /is the rational response. The idea that there were both: bad And good times was(is) the lie. Rarely in my drinking, over all the years, did I stop or manage intake and enjoy it like a 'normie', honestly cant remember thinking "oh that was just the little relaxation I needed, might as well stop now".
I've mentioned it before the euphoria was mixed up with and coupled to the anticipation of blowing right on through to oblivion. At the end of my drining career , I don't even remember the euphoria of the first few, it was' to infinity and beyond' from the get go. But I think for me it always was , I drank to get drunk full stop. Rarely , if ever was it solely my choice to stop before severe wtf's and blacking out . For years I thought I had it in control, try and be as 'functioning ' as possible, keep a job, marriage, mortgage , children, not die , but it was a battle and most nights after say 11pm it was always wtf?! more is better.
Any 'good' of my drinking was an illusion and a lie, so loath it, even you have to make yourself.
The AV doesn't need or deserve any help.

DoubleDragons

I wish I loathed it. I rarely long for it, but occasionally I still do. I think that is why after almost 2 years sober, I still check in with SR daily. To remind myself not to compartmentalize the different facets of drinking alcohol. With the high, the giggles, the "disappearing" from life, also comes the shame, the hangovers, the health problems, the loss of dignity, the poor sleep, the obsession, etc. etc.

gettingsmarter

I'll think it sounds good for as long as it takes me to play the tape all the way forward.
Hmm 1 or 2 sounds good-----------------------------Ha right, straight onto weeks of crippling anxiety, panic and cloaked demons trying to get me while i'm dreaming.
YUK!

CaseyW

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace."

I don't drink anymore. Period. So I don't let loathing or love of booze control my mind like it did for most of sixteen years. I've accepted my past and chose to move onward and upwards. That being said, I don't forget where I've come from either because I don't want to go back there.

Soberpotamus

I wish I could say "loathe," AO. I mean, there are memories that disgust me, sure. They disgust me to the nth degree. It took a little while for me not to feel total shame. But now, I'd say that I find myself lodged right in the midways of loathing and longing. If I'm honest, anyway. If I were to average out all the good days, the easy breezy moments with the few urges I've had, then I am probably at a middle point of feeling "wary" of drinking. Wary, because I know there are pangs of longing, though they are rare now, and perhaps because I stay somewhat vigilant or watchful of the slinking AV.

I still love the loose sweater analogy - wear my sobriety like a loose sweater. Not too tight, and not falling or hanging off.

Like TomSteve, kind of in a neutral position to it mostly.

Aellyce

Ha! Check my post out:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5470532

The thing is, in my experience, these are spells that do not last. Our brains just snap out, the mind wakes up, it's just impulses

Zufrieden

Hi all
I'm really sad to admit a lapse in judgement this weekend. I considered keeping it to myself but feel that it violates the spirit of this site. I have too many years of keeping secrets as it is. I told my wife and will fess up at my meeting tomorrow. It's important to me.
I revisited my bold defiantly optimistic posts of the last month and feel ashamed that I brought this on myself. There was no compelling reason for my actions. I was in a good mood and just decided to drink while my family was away. It was such a poor decision. Noting dramatic happened outwardly but I'm torn up inside, torn up with contempt for myself. What a fool I can be.
That's it. I'm back at a high state of vigilance today, back for my second week of meetings and starting with today's date as the new one. June 16 th was such a better one!
A good day to all of you.
Don

Oops...I was reading this great thread and accidentally jumped on it. Sorry Alpha...I'm not tech savvy enough to move it.

CaseyW

Nothing wrong with July 20, Don. Glad you're back and hope you'll come in here and ask for help next time before you take that drink. We're here for you.

2ndhandrose

This is a very interesting topic and I am enjoying reading everyone's responses!

For myself, I am on the loathe side of things. I feel a kind of righteous anger with the AV, with its sneakiness and nonstop lies. I have been looking at photographs lately, of the past several years. In the majority of them I am in various, unattractive states of drunkenness. In some I have thought "oh, that was a fun night, wasn't it?", but the truth is my whole life was just a flat, empty, meaningless existence within an alcoholic haze. None of it was sharp or defined or truly appreciated. Alcohol was number one period and every thing else was just whatever.

What I remember most was the bottomless pit that opened up every time I had a drink. It was an insatiable mouth that I could never pour quite enough vodka down. It was insistent and relentless while I drank. Even as I had my first drink of the evening I would already start dreading the inevitable end to my evening, my last drink of the night.

Even typing this out makes me feel weak with relief to know that I never have to struggle with that again, as long as I don't take the first drink.

So, yes, definitely loathe

PurpleKnight

The nostalgia of alcohol is a thorn sometimes for me, the rose tinted glasses we can sometimes have about certain times of the year.

Then I catch myself on and loath the mythical fairytale that really was!!

Dee74

I finally drank enough for the rose glasses to be ineffective.
I'm eternally grateful for that everyday

(& welcome back Don )

Venecia

I think it's OK -- at least for me, anyway -- to have some fond memories. Mine are often connected with travel. The very Britishness of having a pint in a pub, a glass of wine in France. I have to admit that one of the most fun memories I have is tossing back beers on a beach with a friend and other travelers in Mexico.

But those are just tiny, tiny percentages of my drinking history. The problem was, I began to not just loathe my dependence on alcohol, but loathe myself, too. And I know if I ever want to loathe myself again, I know exactly how it could be done.

It took a long time to rebuild my self-respect. I like it in these parts.

MIRecovery

The longer you are sober the more the memories fade. I have found 2 tools that continue to reinforce my sobriety. One is new comers. People new to sobriety help me remember why I don't drink anymore. The other is knowing I am happier than I have ever been. Even if drinking was not all that bad (it was all that bad) why would I want to give up what I have.

I am simply not the person I used to be. I can look in the mirror and be OK with who I am.

I had an old timer say the longer we are sober the closer we are to a drink. At the time I thought that was just about the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. Today I can see the truth in those words.

Recovery is a journey not a destination