Boyfriend is 7 months into recovery
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 6
Boyfriend is 7 months into recovery
My boyfriend is 22 and is a recovery addict. From pot, vicodin, molly, shrooms, LSD, cocaine, to eventually a full blown oxy addiction. As long as we've been together he claims he has never fallen off track and insists I would visibly know if he were high. But, for a guy who was as addicted as he claimed he was it, it's just hard to believe he "cold turkey" quit, without any rehab (which he's been to in the past). He has struggled with depression when he was a preteen until about 17, having a suicide attempt then. I never even tried pot before so all of this is confusing to me.
I believe he sees me as a sole motivator to get his life back on track: which he has over the last 7 months together (working again, new car). He's a great person and we are very compatible but his lack of friendships and career purpose are difficult to deal with. He has an extremely negative self-esteem, convinced he will fail before he even tries anything. All of his guy friends and members of his family have had drug issues, so he has no one to confide in but me. At one point, he got introduced to many drugs from his aunt and uncle. I'm noticing major signs of an addictive personality, but not primarily drugs... it's now me he's addicted to. If I am free he assumes all of my time is for him, when we are apart he texts every minute/all day saying "I love you" "I miss you" saying he "needs me" and it's overwhelming. If I'm busy he tries to guilt me into letting him stop by, even when I just want my own alone time or have school work. He gets offended that if I say "I want to be alone" that that means "I am dumping you". It's like his entire world falls apart when I'm not around. When I am with him he is perfectly ok. When we are apart is when he sulks, one word answers when I say we can't hang out, always angry/complaining/not feeling well, saying he's a loser and screwed up his life and has no friends. Once he gets out of the funk he apologizes and says things like, "Sorry I want to see you all the time babe... I must get so annoying." But its things that are guilt inducing and obviously I can't genuinely say, "Yes you are annoying". Almost daily he changes his mind about what job he wants, has the connections to get it - but during his free time makes no effort to study, sign up for the courses and then complains he's a loser with no future.
Recently, I've been extremely busy with graduate school only seeing him at most, once a week. I've sensed he feels almost misplaced in my life because I know what I want, whereas he's still struggling to stay afloat. He's been hanging with kids he used to use with to pass time. They've gone to grab drinks and food and to be honest it makes me extremely uncomfortable as those kids are still heavily using, only text him about how fun it was to get high and that they miss him, they're broke from their habit, and doing it all behind their girlfriends backs. Why would a recovery drug addict go drinking with kids he used with? That's just lessening his ability to say "no" if they offered anything. He insists he would never jeopardize anything and this has been the most stable period in his life.
With my own dreams, goals, anxiety, and insecurities I feel like I can't juggle my own emotions, plus his. It's so hard to truly trust in a situation such as the disease of addiction. I love him and enjoy spending the time with him and see a future, but he has such low self-esteem and dependency issues I don't know when or if he ever will.
I believe he sees me as a sole motivator to get his life back on track: which he has over the last 7 months together (working again, new car). He's a great person and we are very compatible but his lack of friendships and career purpose are difficult to deal with. He has an extremely negative self-esteem, convinced he will fail before he even tries anything. All of his guy friends and members of his family have had drug issues, so he has no one to confide in but me. At one point, he got introduced to many drugs from his aunt and uncle. I'm noticing major signs of an addictive personality, but not primarily drugs... it's now me he's addicted to. If I am free he assumes all of my time is for him, when we are apart he texts every minute/all day saying "I love you" "I miss you" saying he "needs me" and it's overwhelming. If I'm busy he tries to guilt me into letting him stop by, even when I just want my own alone time or have school work. He gets offended that if I say "I want to be alone" that that means "I am dumping you". It's like his entire world falls apart when I'm not around. When I am with him he is perfectly ok. When we are apart is when he sulks, one word answers when I say we can't hang out, always angry/complaining/not feeling well, saying he's a loser and screwed up his life and has no friends. Once he gets out of the funk he apologizes and says things like, "Sorry I want to see you all the time babe... I must get so annoying." But its things that are guilt inducing and obviously I can't genuinely say, "Yes you are annoying". Almost daily he changes his mind about what job he wants, has the connections to get it - but during his free time makes no effort to study, sign up for the courses and then complains he's a loser with no future.
Recently, I've been extremely busy with graduate school only seeing him at most, once a week. I've sensed he feels almost misplaced in my life because I know what I want, whereas he's still struggling to stay afloat. He's been hanging with kids he used to use with to pass time. They've gone to grab drinks and food and to be honest it makes me extremely uncomfortable as those kids are still heavily using, only text him about how fun it was to get high and that they miss him, they're broke from their habit, and doing it all behind their girlfriends backs. Why would a recovery drug addict go drinking with kids he used with? That's just lessening his ability to say "no" if they offered anything. He insists he would never jeopardize anything and this has been the most stable period in his life.
With my own dreams, goals, anxiety, and insecurities I feel like I can't juggle my own emotions, plus his. It's so hard to truly trust in a situation such as the disease of addiction. I love him and enjoy spending the time with him and see a future, but he has such low self-esteem and dependency issues I don't know when or if he ever will.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome pappyon 
If you think there's something fishy going on, there probably is.
You've spoken a lot about your partner and his needs and what you do for him and what he expects - doesn't sound like a lot of space in all that for you and your needs, your dreams or your future?
I know you'll find support here
D
If you think there's something fishy going on, there probably is.
You've spoken a lot about your partner and his needs and what you do for him and what he expects - doesn't sound like a lot of space in all that for you and your needs, your dreams or your future?
I know you'll find support here
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome.
My suggestion is to read and join on this site the forum called “Friends and Families.”
That along with attending Al Anon meetingS in your area can give us guidance in an area that “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.”
BE WELL
My suggestion is to read and join on this site the forum called “Friends and Families.”
That along with attending Al Anon meetingS in your area can give us guidance in an area that “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.”
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello: I only want to mention that manipulation is a kind of abuse. He's making you feel like you are responsible for him and his feelings and that's not good. He is hanging out with the old crowd... That's not good.
You are not responsible for anyone's happiness, well being of behavior. Take a look at what you want and what YOU need and go from there. Do you want to build a relationship with him? What is he bringing to the table? By what you are saying it doesn't seem he is working on recovery (different that sobriety) so be careful. As it was said before: if you feel something fishy is going on, it probably is.
Consider your dreams and your future and put those first. There is NOBODY that you owe anything to, just yourself.
You are not responsible for anyone's happiness, well being of behavior. Take a look at what you want and what YOU need and go from there. Do you want to build a relationship with him? What is he bringing to the table? By what you are saying it doesn't seem he is working on recovery (different that sobriety) so be careful. As it was said before: if you feel something fishy is going on, it probably is.
Consider your dreams and your future and put those first. There is NOBODY that you owe anything to, just yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
Poppy on, if you're in grad school then you are smart enough to know you can't allow this neediness to go on. At some point if you keep giving in, he will become bored and go back to using one substance or another. He needs to develop his sense of self, his friendships, family relationships, etc.
Please take care of yourself first.!
Please take care of yourself first.!
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