2muchpain

I met someone through a business deal that has turned out to where have become friends. Just to make it clear, he's a guy, I'm a guy. Anyway, we sat around my apartment and had a few beers. Now this is the first time in the five years I have lived here that I actually had any company. We talked about all kinds of guy stuff. It was great. I haven't had this kind of experience in a long time, and the last time was with a beer drinker.
This was exactly the kind of experience I was hoping for in AA but it never worked out. Tried everything, sponsor, 12 steps, volunteering for this and that, etc., but just never happened. Even shared my concerns at meetings, but nothing. Most of the people that are regulars at meeting alreadys have their friends.
Like anything, you run into a dead end, you turn around and look elsewhere. It's just human nature.
After all these years, I have finally found someone who likes me and wants to hang around me. He has some family get together next month that he is going to invite me to. If a couple of beers will give me a chance to actually have some company, how do I turn that down?
I'm not sure will this will go, but I'll tell ya, it was a nice change, drinking or not. I ACTUALLY TALKED TO SOMEBODY. Almost felt like an out of body experience. Sad, but very true.
I got out of this what I was hoping to get in AA. John

FeelingGreat

Hi 2, why do you have to have a couple of beers? I go to social gatherings a lot and I stick to soft drink and nobody notices.
You're hard-wired now for addiction to alcohol; please don't forget that. While the sky hasn't fallen in first time around, once you repeat the drinking you will wake up those (alcohol) receptors. It sounds like you already have.
Friendship does not have to be linked to alcohol. You and your friend hit it off before he saw you drink so if you go to the family gathering and drink soda is it all off with him? I doubt it.
It would make sense to tell him you like alcohol too much and don't want it to become a habit again, so you've decided to stick to non-alcoholic drinks.

Marcher13

2 your new friend is inviting you to meet his family and go the gathering not to a bar crawl. Be up front and pleasant, find out what you can bring (some good chocolate for the hosts might work), pack your favourite soft drink and go and enjoy yourself.

I've been sober for over two years now and I can promise you two things:
1) friends want you for your company and your attention
2) nobody really gives a damn what's in your glass

Maybe before that gathering you could invite your friend out for a hamburger and a soft drink?

Punkin7788

i go months without drinking then go to a friends n feel lacking in ways n I cope with this by drinking then I'm social and I feel more confidant and talkative but then I'll make that turn from it being fun to it being embarrassing and sad. I'm just now realizing I have a problem n I either have hurt my friends n they no longer speak to me or ppl don't understand what I'm going through I feel rather alone as well n don't feel like I've really talked to someone in along time so I get the allure. But don't drink to just accomplish that. Most of the time it backfires. Tell ur friend of ur struggles maybe they'll get it.

2muchpain

This will probably sound lame, but now that we've had a few drinks, I don't want to lose the connection we had if we meet up again. I know, if alcohol is the only connection, than it's really not a connection, but let's face it, it's better than nothing, and I do mean nothing. I'm just tired of being alone, staring at the tv and messing with the computer. It's tempting when a few beers will open the door to a social life when I have none, even if its temporary. Sometimes I think, I'd rather have a good time for five years than live a boring life or twenty. I do a lot of things on my own, but that get's old after a while. To actually have someone to talk to is like gold to me. It just happen in my world. John

Soberpotamus

Why'd it have to involve beers, John?

Marcher13

John it doesn't sound lame, it sounds entirely natural and normal. Be proactive, text your friend, meet up for the hamburger, go and watch a sporting event together or whatever your interests are.

It's your AV that tells you you have to drink to have friends. What you have to do is genuinely like the other person, meet up with them and maintain the friendship.

Don't leave it at "if we meet again", make an arrangment you'll both enjoy .

2muchpain

Well, I knew he was a beer drinker. The first few times we got together, we had lemonade, but, without thinking, I told him I'd have beer the next time. Really dumb, but that was what he was expecting, so I bought some beer the next time. That's how it started. John

Dee74

If you and your bud were ok with lemonade before you can be ok with lemonade again John - the rest is just you trying to convince yourself that a few beers are necessary,.

They're really not.

D

2muchpain

Not sure how to get out of this. Someone to hang with is rare in my life. I'd much rather be a sober thing, but like they say, beggars can't be choosers. You take what's offered to you. I would think many people on this forum would understand that if you can't find sober people to hang around with, you go with what's available even when you know the end will not be good. You take what you can get. The alternative is much worse in it's on way. I actually felt alive and worthwhile talking with this guy. Pretty pathetic, but that's the way it is. Now, to me, that's real loneliness. John

Dee74

Your AVs really doing a number on you John.

If this is a relationship built on beer, it's likely to kill you and make the pain and unhappiness you've felt before that much worse.

I have to be honest this relationship does not sound like it is based on drinking- it sounds more like you want to it to be - a ready excuse to drink?

You're worthy of friendship and love all those things that most people take for granted.

Real friends will love you for you, not what you drink.

Make good choices John. You're worth it.
D

Berrybean

Exactly what Dee said...your AV is really doing a number on you.

He was quite happy drinking lemonade the first time, and you two still got on well enough for there to be a second time. If it's his friendship you're after, then you'll be happy to take it without the alcohol. If you're saying it'll only work for you with the beer, I suspect it's not friendship you're after, but the alcohol doing it's nerd-removing magic of turning you from a duck to an eagle.

You know what really strikes me about your posts? DENIAL. (Don't even notice I am lying.)

Besides - if you've worked all the 12 steps and you're in AA, then YOU should be the one befriending and inviting, not waiting for it to happen to you!

FeelingGreat

I think we're all wondering why your friendship has to involve alcohol. Is it because you can't relax without it, or does your friend insist on you drinking it? If it's a family do you're invited to, couldn't you just take along your own ginger beer? Most long-term sober people go to gatherings where there's alcohol and stick to soft-drink.

doggonecarl

Sorry for your isolation. Your difficulty it meeting people and establishing a relationship with them won't be solved by encouragement and a few helpful tips from us. Nor will it be solved with alcohol.

ArtFriend

Glad you found a new friend John. Loneliness is painful.

Soberwolf

What D said this is pure AV

Soberwolf

Welcome to SR Punkin

2muchpain

You get it. Thanks!!!!!! John

Carlotta

I am also glad that you found a new friend but I just hope that alcohol doesn't drag you to your usual dark pits.
I agree with Dee and others, this is your AV at work, trying to convince you that you are unlikable and can't have friends unless you drink.
The first few times you two hung out, you had lemonades and your friend still wanted to hang out with you.
Anyway, you are an adult and it is ultimately your decision and your consequences. Take care of yourself.

2muchpain

Actually, if I do get an invite, I'll probably just come up with an excuse to not go, unless I can come up with a sober way to deal with it. I messed up once by not thinking ahead. I now have time to come up with a plan. Spending so much time alone is tough, but going back to drinking is worse (but not by much). John