Sankofa
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Sankofa
sankofa is a word that means that sometimes you have to look back to move forward. I read back through old text between me and my friend J who is the ex's brothers gf. 8 months ago or so , I was happy, very hopeful in love and looking forward to starting my new life with this great guy and joining a wonderful family after he got out of rehab.
Then the texts spoke of my confusion at the lack of calls. Why had his family cut me off? Then the anger and tears came as I realized I had been lied to by ALL of them. By my calculation, he was with rehab girl long before J (God bless her!) told me what was going on.
Then the text as I found sr and learned about addicts and the recovery -ism industry. I've come a long way baby! However, as I read the earliest texts when I was still in love and hopeful, I felt sad knowing that I will never be that trusting again. There was a sweet gentle quality to that blissfully ignorant igirl a real Polly Anna that is dead forever. I guess just like I've never known my ex completely sober, you all have never seen the happy go lucky iGirl. She was kind and sympathetic, not angry, giving and trusting. She's dead, like an old friend, that to be honest, I won't miss that much
I will love and trust , but will I ever just relax and not look for red flags or dysfunction? I know a person in AA who you can't have half a conversation with about anything before they ask you if you have a sponsor. I don't want to be that person. That low life junkie got the best of me, now should some new good deserving guy get miss icy pants?
J is slowly leaving the bro. She is being pressured into a double wedding . The ex and rehab girl (who has already started hitting the wine again to no sane persons surprise) are getting married. J can't stand this girl or my ex and doesn't even want to go to lunch with her much less share a wedding day even if she were going to marry the bro.
I'm not angry or sad because I know how sick it is. Reading back through those text let me know that I can never be that naive again. I have to keep moving forward in my life. But I'll always feel like I've left some of the best bits of me behind.
Then the texts spoke of my confusion at the lack of calls. Why had his family cut me off? Then the anger and tears came as I realized I had been lied to by ALL of them. By my calculation, he was with rehab girl long before J (God bless her!) told me what was going on.
Then the text as I found sr and learned about addicts and the recovery -ism industry. I've come a long way baby! However, as I read the earliest texts when I was still in love and hopeful, I felt sad knowing that I will never be that trusting again. There was a sweet gentle quality to that blissfully ignorant igirl a real Polly Anna that is dead forever. I guess just like I've never known my ex completely sober, you all have never seen the happy go lucky iGirl. She was kind and sympathetic, not angry, giving and trusting. She's dead, like an old friend, that to be honest, I won't miss that much
I will love and trust , but will I ever just relax and not look for red flags or dysfunction? I know a person in AA who you can't have half a conversation with about anything before they ask you if you have a sponsor. I don't want to be that person. That low life junkie got the best of me, now should some new good deserving guy get miss icy pants?
J is slowly leaving the bro. She is being pressured into a double wedding . The ex and rehab girl (who has already started hitting the wine again to no sane persons surprise) are getting married. J can't stand this girl or my ex and doesn't even want to go to lunch with her much less share a wedding day even if she were going to marry the bro.
I'm not angry or sad because I know how sick it is. Reading back through those text let me know that I can never be that naive again. I have to keep moving forward in my life. But I'll always feel like I've left some of the best bits of me behind.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Thank you for that word! I love things like that and hadn't heard it before. I wholeheartedly agree with the concept.
That naive girl may be gone, but there will still be a hint of that carefree young iGirl blended with the older, wiser (maybe a touch cynical) one--which will likely be a solid, strong, beautiful thing!
That naive girl may be gone, but there will still be a hint of that carefree young iGirl blended with the older, wiser (maybe a touch cynical) one--which will likely be a solid, strong, beautiful thing!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I will love and trust , but will I ever just relax and not look for red flags or dysfunction? I
Yes. When you become healthy you attract healthy people. Healthy people don't act like your ex or his family. When you run across people be it friendship or relationship, and you get red flags, you will move on.
The best bits of you are here and now! Being Naive is not the 'best bits" of you. I think one does have to be careful not to let a situation like this eat them up with bitterness or cynicism. Growing pains can be tough. I remember being that innocent naive girl too. I prefer the smarter, toughened person I am now because the world is full of some rancorous people. (and I had a tendency for a Looooong time to want to fix all those broken souls). The world is also filled with great people too.
I have run across old texts/emails with my last psycho here and there. I read them and I can't believe I put up with that crap. So glad that isn't my life anymore.
Yes. When you become healthy you attract healthy people. Healthy people don't act like your ex or his family. When you run across people be it friendship or relationship, and you get red flags, you will move on.
The best bits of you are here and now! Being Naive is not the 'best bits" of you. I think one does have to be careful not to let a situation like this eat them up with bitterness or cynicism. Growing pains can be tough. I remember being that innocent naive girl too. I prefer the smarter, toughened person I am now because the world is full of some rancorous people. (and I had a tendency for a Looooong time to want to fix all those broken souls). The world is also filled with great people too.
I have run across old texts/emails with my last psycho here and there. I read them and I can't believe I put up with that crap. So glad that isn't my life anymore.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's part of growing up and growing wise to realise you can't trust everyone. I think the trick is not to be bitter.
In your shoes, with the family going out of their way to fool you, many people would have had no suspicions.
In your shoes, with the family going out of their way to fool you, many people would have had no suspicions.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
RedA-- it's like reading the words of a total stranger. I do like myself better this way, the "stronger wiser" version like feeling great says. I guess what I mean is that we all grow up and stop believing in Santa, but there is a certain open hopefulness, a sparkle in a child's eye that loves without limit that I will never feel again. I believe that next time around will be better. So I haven't lost all hope. It's all I have right now
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I get you I do. Loving without limit isnt healthy its a big reason why a lot of us are here know what I mean?
Having boundaries in relationships is far better. I never ever will go down the path again of loving without limit. No thanks.
Having boundaries in relationships is far better. I never ever will go down the path again of loving without limit. No thanks.
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