Oldest daughter is hurting
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Oldest daughter is hurting
My oldest, 6, is hurting. We had dinner with friends recently at their house and had a blast-the dad has been great and has come over to help me with things and even taken hours out of his evenings to help me teach her how to ride her bike. Even invited our girls over last Subday night for milkshakes with their young boys! When we were getting out of the bath last night my oldest started crying and asking why this friend couldn't be her dad-bc he was nice to her and didn't drink a lot and be mean to his family. Oooooooh my-I just cried with her and hugged her and cuddled with her in bed until she fell asleep. I haven't talked with her about it but did tell her therapist and ask for advice on how to handle. How do you handle the loss when they're this young? Any thoughts would be appreciated!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I think the way you handled it was fine. You can reinforce that dad is the way he is because he's sick, and that it has nothing to do with how lovable she is. And that sometimes life isn't fair and we are disappointed and let down by people we love, but that there are LOTS of people in the world capable of loving and we just have to learn to accept people the way they are. It's not too early to start learning that lesson--it is one that serves people well even if no alcoholic ever crosses their path. You can accept them but that doesn't make the way they treat you OK.
It's complicated for us to learn, but starting to teach it now will only help her throughout her life.
It's complicated for us to learn, but starting to teach it now will only help her throughout her life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I told my girls that their dad has a disease that has changed him, most likely for good. I also told them that God puts certain people in our path that love and care for us, and it does not take being blood for them to love us and want to be part of our family. I love them and am the best mom I can be to them, that's the best I can do.
I do try to make sure they are around healthy men in their lives so they see what a "normal" man is like. I don't want them to grow up and think all men are like their father.
I do try to make sure they are around healthy men in their lives so they see what a "normal" man is like. I don't want them to grow up and think all men are like their father.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I think the way you handled it was fine. You can reinforce that dad is the way he is because he's sick, and that it has nothing to do with how lovable she is. And that sometimes life isn't fair and we are disappointed and let down by people we love, but that there are LOTS of people in the world capable of loving and we just have to learn to accept people the way they are. It's not too early to start learning that lesson--it is one that serves people well even if no alcoholic ever crosses their path. You can accept them but that doesn't make the way they treat you OK.
It's complicated for us to learn, but starting to teach it now will only help her throughout her life.
It's complicated for us to learn, but starting to teach it now will only help her throughout her life.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think the way you handled it was fine. You can reinforce that dad is the way he is because he's sick, and that it has nothing to do with how lovable she is. And that sometimes life isn't fair and we are disappointed and let down by people we love, but that there are LOTS of people in the world capable of loving and we just have to learn to accept people the way they are. It's not too early to start learning that lesson--it is one that serves people well even if no alcoholic ever crosses their path. You can accept them but that doesn't make the way they treat you OK.
It's complicated for us to learn, but starting to teach it now will only help her throughout her life.
It's complicated for us to learn, but starting to teach it now will only help her throughout her life.
I know you've told her that it's not about her at all but that's hard for a kid to translate emotionally.....just keep showing her all the ways she's fantastic & verbalize it often. "You learned to do that all by yourself?! I told you how AWESOME you are, DD!". Building her confidence from the inside out won't just help her past this hurdle, but with so many challenges in life.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Just wanted to update-we talked tonight and it went well. She had a rough day today and her anger spilled over to her younger sister (getting in trouble at summer daycare). She told me she was angry so I asked her if screaming would make her feel better. We walked into the garage and she screamed at the top of her 6 year old lungs and thhe punched the pillows on the couch. She said she felt better abd started crying...said she never wanted to see her dad again because of how he was and what he did to her. I just held her until she fell asleep. I'm so proud that she's talking and she's feeling and letting it out! Huge life lessons I never had as a child. Very Proud of her 
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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It's heartbreaking to see your child hurt, but quite rewarding when you see them learn to recover in healthy ways. My kids had counseling last night, the counselor basically said that it sucks what their dad does, but that he won't change, but that the way they have handled things has changed so much, and that's really all one can do. I think that too, but it's nice to see someone else recognize it and point it out to them too.
Many hugs to you and your girlys too!!!! XXX
Many hugs to you and your girlys too!!!! XXX
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