7 Years of Family Court: Advice Needed
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7 Years of Family Court: Advice Needed
My family law court file has been on record for 7 years now. Granted there weren't a constant slew of dates in that time but there were several in the first year and also now in the last. I wouldn't say that the years in between were going smoothly, mostly I had some adequate access but never enough, and I was also held to ransom by the child's mother any time I tried to move on with my life. For example I had a girlfriend once for a short period in those years (a really nice girl actually) and my ex was preventing me from seeing the kid on that ground's. She has never had any issue with me having the child for days/weeks/months at a time but has constantly manipulated me around him otherwise in those years. The only pragmatic thing to emerge in all of that time is that I now know where I stand with her, which is as far away as is possible.
I'l cut to the chase: We are in the court again this week and I'l most likely be awarded joint guardianship. It's not a lot in terms of actual living but the way the judge explained it the last time, I am happy about that. Here's my question- How do I bring up the subject of joint custody on that day??? It's the only thing that is going to work for either of us (me and the kid). While I know with certainty it is in his best interest, I also know that it is mine too. In that for the first time in his life I would able to plan for our future's and work toward's gaining security and stability for us both. Now don't me wrong, I was the one who provided those at the start. I had the house, the car, the savings etc but once she got out on her own two feet I was left sitting in a house full of toys and everything since then has been a struggle, hence the court appearances.
Edit: Just got off the phone to my brief who said that certainly it won't be decided on this day, however I still want to raise the point. I mean, the child is 9 now, and neither of have known where we stand in all that time (me and him). The solicitor is saying that I need to make up my mind as to what more access I am looking for at present and therein lies the problem. "It's a question of values. A time has come to make a decision: Are we in this thing alone… Or are we in it together?" I need some advice here from you guy's, I'm like the invisible man in this thing.
I'l cut to the chase: We are in the court again this week and I'l most likely be awarded joint guardianship. It's not a lot in terms of actual living but the way the judge explained it the last time, I am happy about that. Here's my question- How do I bring up the subject of joint custody on that day??? It's the only thing that is going to work for either of us (me and the kid). While I know with certainty it is in his best interest, I also know that it is mine too. In that for the first time in his life I would able to plan for our future's and work toward's gaining security and stability for us both. Now don't me wrong, I was the one who provided those at the start. I had the house, the car, the savings etc but once she got out on her own two feet I was left sitting in a house full of toys and everything since then has been a struggle, hence the court appearances.
Edit: Just got off the phone to my brief who said that certainly it won't be decided on this day, however I still want to raise the point. I mean, the child is 9 now, and neither of have known where we stand in all that time (me and him). The solicitor is saying that I need to make up my mind as to what more access I am looking for at present and therein lies the problem. "It's a question of values. A time has come to make a decision: Are we in this thing alone… Or are we in it together?" I need some advice here from you guy's, I'm like the invisible man in this thing.
saoutchik
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How much access do you have currently Strat?
This is a really difficult thing to give advise on as there are so many things that make up your decision - personally I would go for as much access/custody as possible. My two children were 18 & 16 when I got divorced so able to make their own decisions so I don't have the same experience
This is a really difficult thing to give advise on as there are so many things that make up your decision - personally I would go for as much access/custody as possible. My two children were 18 & 16 when I got divorced so able to make their own decisions so I don't have the same experience
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Currently for the past month I have been travelling every Saturday to the nearest town to him to meet up and spend the day there together (4 hours). Then I hop on the bus and head back here (another approx 4 hours round). While those few hours are important to him, it's no life either you know? This is why I'm torn now and losing sleep recently, should I just request that things continue as is? And how do I broach the issue of joint or shared custody...
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My only experience Strat is being that kid in that custody battle!!
In the end when I was 10yrs old my mum got custody of myself and my sister and my dad had access on weekends, I think an acceptance is required as to what the court decides, you can't change it, it's a court order at the end of the day.
The second thing would be to trust and appreciate that your kid will one day be an adult, they will reflect on it all, make a decision on it, try to reconcile their childhood in the best way they can understand it, and so for everyone involved being positive around your child is the priority, they don't want to hear about marriage disputes and custody battles, they want a dad, someone they can depend on, and when they are in your company they have the best dad in the world, and regardless of whether that's a day a week, that can still leave an impact, like most things in life it's not about quantity of time, it's all about quality!!
I used to tell my parents all the time in my 20s, "guys it wasn't my marriage, you want to blame each other go ahead, but not on my time, your marriage, your divorce, your problem, not my issue, you guys deal with it, all I wanted was a mum and a dad!!"
In the end when I was 10yrs old my mum got custody of myself and my sister and my dad had access on weekends, I think an acceptance is required as to what the court decides, you can't change it, it's a court order at the end of the day.
The second thing would be to trust and appreciate that your kid will one day be an adult, they will reflect on it all, make a decision on it, try to reconcile their childhood in the best way they can understand it, and so for everyone involved being positive around your child is the priority, they don't want to hear about marriage disputes and custody battles, they want a dad, someone they can depend on, and when they are in your company they have the best dad in the world, and regardless of whether that's a day a week, that can still leave an impact, like most things in life it's not about quantity of time, it's all about quality!!
I used to tell my parents all the time in my 20s, "guys it wasn't my marriage, you want to blame each other go ahead, but not on my time, your marriage, your divorce, your problem, not my issue, you guys deal with it, all I wanted was a mum and a dad!!"
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Saskia is right the parents have to get along for joint custody to work because it means that both parents get to be a part of decisions regarding school and medical things..... visitation is a separate issue. If you want more time with you son there's no reason why you shouldn't get it. Isn't your lawyer advising you about any of these things? Or do you have a lawyer? If you don't a lot of lawyers will give you half an hour of free time to let you know about your options. I took advantage of it when I got divorced.... I booked appts with a bunch of lawyers and asked all kinds of questions and never had to pay any of them. Not sure if it works the same where you live but I'd imagine it does.
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We are on neutral terms Saskia, at long last. In that she is the kids mother and I respect her in that context but we are not friends and never were as I have learned. Edit: Must be different terms here Zen as what you described as joint custody is joint guardianship here (I'd assume there too) which is what I am getting. However it's the access/visitation/custody which is the real life as you know. That's my right to love and be loved (and vie versa) the very F'n thing his mother has been manipulating to her own ends the past decade. It's our vibe, our time together and it has always been awesome. Thats why she doesn't deserve to arbitrate it anymore, because she has proven that her intentions are false. Anyway it's now or never basically, he won't be a child for much longer and if we are not established in ourselves and our routine by the time he hits his teens, he is seriously F'd when it comes to my family (who have unlimited access to him). This is my biggest concern.
Dee thanks man. As I say I should be getting guardianship on that day, I'm not entirely sure what it entails but it does finally give me some rights to have a say in his life (although thats not quite the same as being a part of his life, I dunno). But aside from that, I'm not entirely sure what I am to say this time as the situation around my side of the family is so complex (and so dangerous for his wellbeing, not many people understand this though I am sure some do). These Saturdays are grand and all, but I'm fairly sure he will get bored of them. It's a small town and all, lots to do for the size of it but we have done it all together a thousand times. Fishging is a new thing, although we are fairly limited in that regard too with the timeframe.
Purpleknight, aw here man tell me about it. often wished that my own parents broke up much sooner or as I do say now that they shouldn't have been together in the first place. Complete hell for almost every moment I know now, and I am not free of them yet either. Not even going there man. Every weekend ain't bad, 3 out of 7 like? Thats almost joint custody.
See the thing is that for 5 years we basically were shared parenting. Granted, he was with his mother more often but would stay on most weekends and also during the week too, and would be in and out of my place on most days even. The problem was this was all at her discretion. And she abused that discretion more often than not. And used the child to that end too, she must have been getting a thrill from it. I cannot go back to that again, because fair is fair and there has not been a modicum of fairness between us and in the situation for me overall for 10 years. Wish I went to the courts sooner but if you read bits of my story, I've had an awful lot to deal with outside of this situation too. Although this was my focus for the most part. Her manipulating me around the kid is what used to sent me over the edge in my drinking pattern the most often, because then there is nowhere to look that isn't on fire.
I got some good advice off my solicitor and positive encouragement today, certainly it sounded like that so I should roll with it. I just don't know how to broach it with the judge if anyone has got advice on that? Also the fact that I know bringing the kid here overnight, while I could get that as its what i was looking for initially, it is really not in his best interest I have to admit in my heart of hearts. So that is a real pickle because I am not living anywhere else right now. I'm a bit confused here. Plus I've got the whole self-doubt and Imposter Syndrome creeping in yada yada, fml. My vision is clear I just don't have any support or advice to draw on, its the same thing all my life except the stakes are high because I'm not even concerned for myself (I never was really, i just can't hack being manipulated). Some good points there anyway if anyone would like to tackle them.
Dee thanks man. As I say I should be getting guardianship on that day, I'm not entirely sure what it entails but it does finally give me some rights to have a say in his life (although thats not quite the same as being a part of his life, I dunno). But aside from that, I'm not entirely sure what I am to say this time as the situation around my side of the family is so complex (and so dangerous for his wellbeing, not many people understand this though I am sure some do). These Saturdays are grand and all, but I'm fairly sure he will get bored of them. It's a small town and all, lots to do for the size of it but we have done it all together a thousand times. Fishging is a new thing, although we are fairly limited in that regard too with the timeframe.
Purpleknight, aw here man tell me about it. often wished that my own parents broke up much sooner or as I do say now that they shouldn't have been together in the first place. Complete hell for almost every moment I know now, and I am not free of them yet either. Not even going there man. Every weekend ain't bad, 3 out of 7 like? Thats almost joint custody.
See the thing is that for 5 years we basically were shared parenting. Granted, he was with his mother more often but would stay on most weekends and also during the week too, and would be in and out of my place on most days even. The problem was this was all at her discretion. And she abused that discretion more often than not. And used the child to that end too, she must have been getting a thrill from it. I cannot go back to that again, because fair is fair and there has not been a modicum of fairness between us and in the situation for me overall for 10 years. Wish I went to the courts sooner but if you read bits of my story, I've had an awful lot to deal with outside of this situation too. Although this was my focus for the most part. Her manipulating me around the kid is what used to sent me over the edge in my drinking pattern the most often, because then there is nowhere to look that isn't on fire.
I got some good advice off my solicitor and positive encouragement today, certainly it sounded like that so I should roll with it. I just don't know how to broach it with the judge if anyone has got advice on that? Also the fact that I know bringing the kid here overnight, while I could get that as its what i was looking for initially, it is really not in his best interest I have to admit in my heart of hearts. So that is a real pickle because I am not living anywhere else right now. I'm a bit confused here. Plus I've got the whole self-doubt and Imposter Syndrome creeping in yada yada, fml. My vision is clear I just don't have any support or advice to draw on, its the same thing all my life except the stakes are high because I'm not even concerned for myself (I never was really, i just can't hack being manipulated). Some good points there anyway if anyone would like to tackle them.
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Cheers Zen. I don't think luck comes into it actually and its not about my way but me trying to do the right thing.
I understand what you are saying though. Ok I need to chill on this, not a wink of sleep last night. Not even close.
I can't afford to sleep today either so long day ahead. Burned my breakfast not a great start to todays marathon.
I'm going to take my solicitor's advice. I am not in a position for shared custody but the guardianship should help.
I understand what you are saying though. Ok I need to chill on this, not a wink of sleep last night. Not even close.
I can't afford to sleep today either so long day ahead. Burned my breakfast not a great start to todays marathon.
I'm going to take my solicitor's advice. I am not in a position for shared custody but the guardianship should help.
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OMFG guy's I still haven't slept!!!
Oh dear. Looks like this is going to be one long-ass day ahead.
It's gonna be a day for tunes and coffee that its for sure, sheet
How many days are in a day anyway does anyone know? I can still catch between 1-2 hours, although I don't wanna risk sleeping in then obviously.
That was the whole point of me persevering through today after not sleeping at all last night. I love it when a good plan doesn't come together (not).
I could use some of that adderall apparently for this upcoming day, flipping heck mates!!! Oh man oh man, what to do what to do now. Hmmmmmm.
It's gonna be a day for tunes and coffee that its for sure, sheet
How many days are in a day anyway does anyone know? I can still catch between 1-2 hours, although I don't wanna risk sleeping in then obviously.
That was the whole point of me persevering through today after not sleeping at all last night. I love it when a good plan doesn't come together (not).
I could use some of that adderall apparently for this upcoming day, flipping heck mates!!! Oh man oh man, what to do what to do now. Hmmmmmm.
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