Am I holding onto Resentment?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
Am I holding onto Resentment?
I wanna first start by saying my husband is still doing well and working his recovery program for three weeks now. This weekend he was a little stressed and got angry at me. Well he wound up sleeping on the couch (his decision by the way). I realized I still have some anger towards him. Everytime he says anything about the vacation I cringe because it was such a miserable time for me. We bought a house and are slowly moving. He did say he's getting overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done and needs my help. But he won't let me do much because I'm pregnant. I was filled with so much anger towards him this weekend that it kinda surprised me. He was upset that I only partially cleaned our condo and didn't make dinner. Grant it we've been at the new house late almost every night this past week doing stuff and I was exhausted. I did clean the condo but then there was more dishes. I was too tired to unload and reload the dish washer and didn't feel like cooking. I get that I should be doing my part to help him out but feel like he doesn't understand me and how stressed I've been. How I haven't had a break including a vacation that he drank away. Anytime I've tried to talk to him about these things, I stop because he just goes into almost a lecture of how I don't keep a very clean house and all my shortcomings so I don't even like to bring up anything. Maybe I'm just being a crazy hormonal pregnant woman, but I can't help but wanting to scream at him that I'm not the one who drank and ruined vacation. I'm not the one who treated him like dirt. I simply didn't do the dishes or make him dinner. Big deal right?!? Not sure if I'm asking for advice or just venting. But thanks for listening either way.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Vent on dear. My advice is nothing practical or probably legal. He doesn't understand and cuts you off without hearing because addicts are selfish, self centered almost. . .ALMOST sub human in their inability to think of anyone but themselves.
You have done nothing wrong and have every right not to unload the dishwasher , make dinner or any thing else if you are tired. He wants the house tidy to his majesty's standard, let him plug in the vac and have at! Like many "in recovery" he thinks he's big crap because he's managed for three whole weeks what many of us have managed our whole lives. Recovery doesn't mean the world has to put up with their crap just like actively using doesn't mean people have to put up with it.
Do you have somewhere you can go and rest for a few days? Maybe an extra room that's your mama cave where you can shut the door and put on some music for a few hours? ((((Hugs))))
You have done nothing wrong and have every right not to unload the dishwasher , make dinner or any thing else if you are tired. He wants the house tidy to his majesty's standard, let him plug in the vac and have at! Like many "in recovery" he thinks he's big crap because he's managed for three whole weeks what many of us have managed our whole lives. Recovery doesn't mean the world has to put up with their crap just like actively using doesn't mean people have to put up with it.
Do you have somewhere you can go and rest for a few days? Maybe an extra room that's your mama cave where you can shut the door and put on some music for a few hours? ((((Hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by iGirl66 
You have done nothing wrong and have every right not to unload the dishwasher , make dinner or any thing else if you are tired. He wants the house tidy to his majesty's standard, let him plug in the vac and have at! Like many "in recovery" he thinks he's big crap because he's managed for three whole weeks what many of us have managed our whole lives. Recovery doesn't mean the world has to put up with their crap just like actively using doesn't mean people have to put up with it.
Do you have somewhere you can go and rest for a few days? Maybe an extra room that's your mama cave where you can shut the door and put on some music for a few hours? ((((Hugs))))
Do you have somewhere you can go and rest for a few days? Maybe an extra room that's your mama cave where you can shut the door and put on some music for a few hours? ((((Hugs))))
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Of course you have resentments Meg, he's only barely started his sobriety & isn't even 30 days in. Your reality doesn't change overnight just because he entered a program, nothing changes that quickly.
Early recovery is incredibly difficult under the best conditions...... preparing for a move during that same time adds a lot of stress, IMO. In my experience, we were better off talking & interacting as little as possible during the first 90 days of recovery, but that's not easy when you are also managing a toddler, a pregnancy & a new home purchase. At 3 weeks in, RAH could focus solely on putting one sober foot in front of the other during that time & not much more than that.
I'm not suggesting that it's ok for him to behave in the way that you shared here, and definitely what you describe still reeks of selfish alcoholism rather than the words of a person working recovery. He's detoxing & his brain & emotions are all over the place & it may be that he hasn't really accepted recovery for himself just yet. I'm just saying this all seems normal on both sides - yours & his. Hang in there!
Early recovery is incredibly difficult under the best conditions...... preparing for a move during that same time adds a lot of stress, IMO. In my experience, we were better off talking & interacting as little as possible during the first 90 days of recovery, but that's not easy when you are also managing a toddler, a pregnancy & a new home purchase. At 3 weeks in, RAH could focus solely on putting one sober foot in front of the other during that time & not much more than that.
I'm not suggesting that it's ok for him to behave in the way that you shared here, and definitely what you describe still reeks of selfish alcoholism rather than the words of a person working recovery. He's detoxing & his brain & emotions are all over the place & it may be that he hasn't really accepted recovery for himself just yet. I'm just saying this all seems normal on both sides - yours & his. Hang in there!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Megsy......I am very concerned for you.....particularily your reactions to his selfish and self-centered attitude---e certainly is on a narcissitic carpet ride, right now.
I don't hear anything about you having any kind of counseling or support group set up for yourself..... I do hope you are reading some of the suggested materials.....like "Co-dependent No More"......and those things that will inform you about alcoholism and codependency.
Going ahead with that h ouse and this amount if work certainly raises the challenges all the way around.
The arrival of newborns is often a time of increased stress for alcoholic fathers.....at just the time that the mother needs them the most---they have increased desire to drink to cope with THEIR feelings....
This is my fear for y ou----that you have cast all your eggs into the "basket of hope" and are sailing away toward smooth horizons with no preparation for possible storms at sea.
I get the hope part, to some degree, but, there is a saying in recovery circles that "hope is not a plan".
It hurts me to read about h is self centered abusive attitude toward a pregnant wife with a toddler who is already working her tail off.....
To me....it looks like a foreshadowing of what is to come....
It reminds me so much of my chidren's father when I was pregnant.
You may feel like I am raining on your parade.....I am sorry to have to be so blunt.
I don't want you to be caught without preparation and two little children....
I hope that he, at least, is working a strong program of sobriety....with meetings, sponsor, etc........
dandylion
I don't hear anything about you having any kind of counseling or support group set up for yourself..... I do hope you are reading some of the suggested materials.....like "Co-dependent No More"......and those things that will inform you about alcoholism and codependency.
Going ahead with that h ouse and this amount if work certainly raises the challenges all the way around.
The arrival of newborns is often a time of increased stress for alcoholic fathers.....at just the time that the mother needs them the most---they have increased desire to drink to cope with THEIR feelings....
This is my fear for y ou----that you have cast all your eggs into the "basket of hope" and are sailing away toward smooth horizons with no preparation for possible storms at sea.
I get the hope part, to some degree, but, there is a saying in recovery circles that "hope is not a plan".
It hurts me to read about h is self centered abusive attitude toward a pregnant wife with a toddler who is already working her tail off.....
To me....it looks like a foreshadowing of what is to come....
It reminds me so much of my chidren's father when I was pregnant.
You may feel like I am raining on your parade.....I am sorry to have to be so blunt.
I don't want you to be caught without preparation and two little children....
I hope that he, at least, is working a strong program of sobriety....with meetings, sponsor, etc........
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
He is working a recovery program, going to meetings, meeting with a counselor, etc.... I do realize that some anger is totally normal in the early days of recovery. I'm not completely naïve though to think that he won't drink again. I know that's a real possibility. He already knows what will happen if he does. I can't put my life on hold every time he screws up though. Every situation is different. I'd rather focus on the positive things he's doing than living life worried or thinking he's going to drink. Do I have a plan if he does? Absolutely. But I don't want to focus on that.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,343
(((Megsy))) Your husband sounds a lot like mine (with the exception that mine still drinks). Always "lecturing" and bringing up things that I do wrong when I confront him about something. I feel for you. Pregnant, taking care of a toddler, plus moving. That's tiring just reading about it. Please take care of yourself too!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
megsykreeg.......He has AA and all the members and his sponsor to help him with his stress and feelings and issues (as well as you very wiling to keep him satisfied).....
I don't hear of where you have anyone to help you with your (understandable) feelings that are part of the early recovery process.....
Where is your soft place to fall....who is there for you when he berates you and ignores your physical and emotional needs of pregnancy?
dandylion
I don't hear of where you have anyone to help you with your (understandable) feelings that are part of the early recovery process.....
Where is your soft place to fall....who is there for you when he berates you and ignores your physical and emotional needs of pregnancy?
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I do realize that some anger is totally normal in the early days of recovery.
It’s hard not to have built up resentments from the past that come up again with the new ones from the current – the boiling doesn’t stop until you’ve worked it all out inside of you (preferably with someone who can help you do that) so that you come to acceptance of things and are able to let go of it.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You're certainly entitled to your feelings. Just because he's been sober a short time doesn't doesn't mean you can let all the problems go. I recommend Alanon, a good place to discuss your anger and deal with your own feelings. It saved my sanity.
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