callmemilly

I want to drink. I want to drink because it seems fun. It seems like entertainment.

I want to drink because I feel lonely. I feel isolated. I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’m isolated, with no close relationships or family so I want to drink because it doesn’t matter if I don’t. I want to drink because no one cares if I do or not.

I want to drink because I feel unhappy. Empty. Bored. I want to drink because when I don’t drink I am too acutely aware of how meaningless my life feels.

But at the same time I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to drink because it makes me feel more depressed, not just tonight but the days following. I don’t want to drink because it affects my energy for a couple days after. It makes me lethargic. I don’t want to drink because it affects my health- I want to be healthy and fit and the drinking really interferes. I don’t want to drink because it buries my feelings and I’m just not as acute, or as sharp, or as in control say at work, even days after. I don’t want to drink because I have a few days off and I’m exhausted and I’m supposed to rest and drinking is not restful. It will not leave me feeling rejuvenated, but the opposite- tired, depressed.

I had a referral to a program last year and I never called. I still liked drinking too much. I like it less now. Then I lost the number but I’m going to call the referring agency tomorrow. I hope they don’t make me start all over (2 assessments over a span of a couple of weeks) because by then I’ll lose my nerve, that’s what happened last year.

I’m really scared to call, I’ve been almost talking myself out of it all week.

Hope2014

I think you should call. You'll be glad you did.

smadams11

this is exactly how i feel. pulled forcibly in 2 directions and its so confusing and hard to fight at times with the constant arguing in your head but you can do it. you need to be brave. best wishes x

greens

By the end of my drinking when I was sober I wanted to be drunk but when I was drunk all I could think about was how nice it would be to be sober .
I didn't enjoy either anymore. I relate to your post a lot.
let us know how your call with the referral agency goes

doggonecarl

When faced with two choices, the one that usually gives us the most discomfort (or fear) is usually the right choice.

Make the call. And put down the drink.

whiteturtle

Hi Milly, I relate strongly with this post. I posted in here the other day for the first time, and my ramblings over the last two days in there are evidence of how conflicted I am in dealing with this. I get an awful, anxious feeling when I think about it all. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is, for whatever reason.

I'd like to say you will be happier once you get in touch with that group. I don't really know, since I am only on Day 2 of sobriety and still pretty mixed up about it all. However, from the thousands of posts from those who have swallowed back the fear and chosen to get better, I would say you will be happiest in the long run if you ride today's momentum.

CaseyW

There's a better way of life waiting for you on the other side of that phone call.

Wishing you the best tonight and hope you decide to not take that first drink. Check in often please!

NoelleR

So, callmemilly, which do you want more......: to drink or to NOT drink?
The choice if yours.

(o:
NoelleR

Dee74

Many of us have stood at this crossroads callmemily.

I chickened out several times and went back for more drinking. bad mistake.

A life is a really precious thing to waste.

D

FarToGo

I hope you make the call. Maybe just try "auto pilot" and don't over think it, call and see what happens.
Good luck to you x

savarna

i drank for those reasons too, but i had kids ,husband job health and fitness but felt so empty ,lonely,depressed and confused. drink made it better for a couple of hours. when i knew i was going to drink i was excilirated and happy. the next day was worse than before the drink. its a horrible ride.

Imtehaan

Milly,, Please go ahead and make that call.. Many of us did the same , when we reached a cross road.. We wanted to drink as well as did not want to drink, too. We stopped enjoying the drink , but we had no choice to continue to drink to feel normal.

I am glad that I made couple of phone calls, one month ago.. One to the Therapy Center and one to my Physician. I was postponing those phone calls ,since many years. I wish, I made those calls ,long back. Better late than never.

We all pray for you .Make that call... It will not harm you in any manner.

lighter

A lot of people here care. We might not be much but we want you happy, healthy and sober.

You care, too, don't you?

Drink won't make you less isolated. Not drinking, doing nice things for other people, and being the best version of you will.

zjw

be careful even tho poo can be warm and cozy it is still poo and its best to not sit in it.

I get the same way where for some reason wallowing in my own funk seems more acceptable then not doing that. Its senseless really.

callmemilly

Thanks for the support. I have 5 days off work and it's tough to stay sober. I work a lot and work over time and am pretty burnt out, I figure the last thing I should be doing is drinking, but it's hard to resist.

I called the agency today and as I feared they're having a hard time finding my info, and also said their referrals are really only good for like 6 months, so I may need to start over. The person I talked to is looking into it and would get back to me.

Starting over with them would be tough, the process takes a couple weeks, and would require me to do a couple of visits/assessments during work hours.

Anyway I'll wait to hear back. Trying to get through the day. I have a plan with activities, but it's just me & hard to stick to.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear that you gave them a call back. Make no mistake, getting sober is not "easy". No matter what route you take it will require you to do things you most likely do not want to do and it will require a serious time committment.

Having said that, isn't the live you are living now tough enough? A relatively short period of discomfort to get things back on track is really a small price to pay for a better life in my book.

endlesspatience

We can help you stick to a plan with activities. And you know what, if you follow that plan over your five days off you'll feel a lot better. Please write down that plan and share it with us here. If you're struggling what to put on it may I suggest the following:

1. Stock up the most delicious non-alcoholic drinks you can find.
2. Buy a bag of candy or two and grab one anytime you feel like an alcoholic drink. Don't worry about the weight or tooth decay yet - we'll deal with that later.
3. Decide what time you're going to get up and go to bed.
4. Decide what time you're going to share with us on SR. Right before you go to bed and just after you wake up would be good to start.
5. Schedule in some time to do some reading about alcoholism and recovery. It's an interesting subject actually and this Forum is a great place to start.

But as I say we want to hear your plan with your activities and then we can help you do what you enjoy and get started on the road to recovery.

Anna

Emily, I sure remember being where you are. I didn't take action and things got worse. That's usually the way it goes. I really felt like I was taking a leap of faith, but I'm so glad I did.

I think it's good that you called and if you have to be reassessed, so be it. Know you won't have do it again.

Soberwolf

Great that you called and i really agree with Scotts post

FreeOwl

If you will commit yourself to finding your true inner self, to resurrecting the simple joy you were born with, to experiencing your emotions and embracing them all - both the up and the down - as part of this blessed life.... you will find something magical happens.

If you will set aside the "I want to drink" and focus on the "I want to find out who I can be when I don't drink"....

If you will put away the "I want to drink" and give yourself fully and completely to the "What more does life have to offer than drinking"...

If you will give yourself over entirely to the idea that "When I am fully conscious and aware and present, when I throw myself into the miracle of life, amazing things happen"....

Then you will find yourself no longer wanting to drink.

And when the distraction of wanting to drink briefly arises.... you will find yourself with powerful and compelling memories of how much better it is when you don't.