Wife of a high functioning substance abuser need advice please!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 6
Wife of a high functioning substance abuser need advice please!
Here's my thing, my husband is not the best guy, but not the worst. Most of the time he is kind and considerate. I'm not going to go into all his character defects, but he loves to smoke weed. He smokes a lot. To the extent he smokes I'm unsure, because he doesn't share with me. He pays our bills to the best of his ability. He works 50+ hours for our family. While I appreciate his hard work, I can't understand why he would risk it all. He smokes at work, he smokes then drives he lies about his smoking, and really who knows what else. When I have confronted him about the smoking and the deceptions he blows up, and somehow I always end up feeling guilty and ashamed. He somehow convinces me it's not that bad, he has control, there's nothing wrong with smoking weed, he says "it's going to be legalized soon you know", but worst of all he convinces me I'm crazy, and out of control. I have begun to work the al-anon/nar-anon steps on my own, but it doesn't give me the answers I need for practical living. What an I suppose to do when he lies, or deceives, or comes home high? Am I suppose to just let him disrespect me and my values. And say oh well its ok? How an I suppose to interact with him?
Last edited by Justloveme88; 06-12-2015 at 10:52 PM. Reason: Needed to add more to title
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi JLM, he lies because you ask him about his smoking. Given that you know he's smoking at every opportunity, there's no call for you to ask him, monitor him, check on him etc. So let that part go.
He has a serious habit that bothers you, and he has no intention of stopping at this stage, so maybe you need to think about your bottom line. I completely understand how frustrating it must be for you when your AH is emotionally absent. You also have the safety angle of him driving under the influence. Does that include passengers?
Because this is seriously affecting your well-being, you could try again to talk to him about it. It might be worth writing him a letter and giving him a chance to digest it before you discuss. He's going to be defensive about his habit, so direct confrontation won't work, but you could tell him how it's affect you and the children. Don't forget appreciation for what he is doing right though.
Would he consent to marriage counselling where you can bring it out in the open in a structured environment?
He has a serious habit that bothers you, and he has no intention of stopping at this stage, so maybe you need to think about your bottom line. I completely understand how frustrating it must be for you when your AH is emotionally absent. You also have the safety angle of him driving under the influence. Does that include passengers?
Because this is seriously affecting your well-being, you could try again to talk to him about it. It might be worth writing him a letter and giving him a chance to digest it before you discuss. He's going to be defensive about his habit, so direct confrontation won't work, but you could tell him how it's affect you and the children. Don't forget appreciation for what he is doing right though.
Would he consent to marriage counselling where you can bring it out in the open in a structured environment?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Welcome to the Board. I'm really glad you found us.
Although you're new, you've hit the nail on the head when asking the following:
The short answer is no, you're under no obligation to put up with anyone who is disrespecting you and your values. Now, is that a "practical" answer? That depends.
We're not marriage counselors here. Our role is to help members make the best decisions for themselves, and sometimes those decisions aren't ones the member really wants to make, but has to.
So what I encourage you to do is read as many posts as you can by women who've been in similar spots,, and see how they've dealt with. Some have slammed the door pretty hard on their husbands. Some are still going through hell with them. And in a few cases, the husband has sought and found some form of recovery. Learn as much as you can and then make the best decisions for you.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Although you're new, you've hit the nail on the head when asking the following:
What an I suppose to do when he lies, or deceives, or comes home high? Am I suppose to just let him disrespect me and my values. And say oh well its ok? How an I suppose to interact with him?
We're not marriage counselors here. Our role is to help members make the best decisions for themselves, and sometimes those decisions aren't ones the member really wants to make, but has to.
So what I encourage you to do is read as many posts as you can by women who've been in similar spots,, and see how they've dealt with. Some have slammed the door pretty hard on their husbands. Some are still going through hell with them. And in a few cases, the husband has sought and found some form of recovery. Learn as much as you can and then make the best decisions for you.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi JLM, he lies because you ask him about his smoking. Given that you know he's smoking at every opportunity, there's no call for you to ask him, monitor him, check on him etc. So let that part go.
He has a serious habit that bothers you, and he has no intention of stopping at this stage, so maybe you need to think about your bottom line. I completely understand how frustrating it must be for you when your AH is emotionally absent. You also have the safety angle of him driving under the influence. Does that include passengers?
Because this is seriously affecting your well-being, you could try again to talk to him about it. It might be worth writing him a letter and giving him a chance to digest it before you discuss. He's going to be defensive about his habit, so direct confrontation won't work, but you could tell him how it's affect you and the children. Don't forget appreciation for what he is doing right though.
Would he consent to marriage counselling where you can bring it out in the open in a structured environment?
He has a serious habit that bothers you, and he has no intention of stopping at this stage, so maybe you need to think about your bottom line. I completely understand how frustrating it must be for you when your AH is emotionally absent. You also have the safety angle of him driving under the influence. Does that include passengers?
Because this is seriously affecting your well-being, you could try again to talk to him about it. It might be worth writing him a letter and giving him a chance to digest it before you discuss. He's going to be defensive about his habit, so direct confrontation won't work, but you could tell him how it's affect you and the children. Don't forget appreciation for what he is doing right though.
Would he consent to marriage counselling where you can bring it out in the open in a structured environment?
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by Justloveme88
I want to tell" him, I want to call the police and tell them he's got it on his car, and he's high driving, I want to help push him to rock bottom, but try and it it completely anonymously...Lol
Still good to air out these "crazy" ideas somewhere safe. Here works.
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