Supporting a loved one while living with rage
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 7
Supporting a loved one while living with rage
I'm 29 years old, and I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't angry.
My father was a brutal, drunken animal. He beat the hell out of my mom on a regular basis, pulled a gun on her more than once, even pulled the trigger one time (the gun misfired). When I got home from school, I would be left alone with him for two hours until my mom got home from work, during which time I had to sit quietly next to him on the couch while he rambled on and on about what disappointments we all were to him, what a ***** my mom was, how I'd better stop being gay (I'm not gay, but I didn't know how to convince him of that as an 8-year-old), and how I would never be able to measure up to my sister Tracy, who died in a car wreck before I was born (while she was trying to run away from him).
He never made any attempt to change, no matter how much we pleaded with him, and never expressed any remorse or admitted any wrongdoing, even when he was sober. I don't know if he enjoyed hurting us, or just didn't care, but by the time I was ten, I knew that he didn't love me (or anyone), and after a few more years, I didn't love him either.
He died when I was 17. He had the nerve, when we were gathered around his deathbed, to say that he loved us. I played along and said "I love you too" because my mom and brother were there and I didn't want to cause a scene, but we were both lying. Looking back, I wish I'd had the guts to say what I really thought: "I don't believe you." I wish I could have made him understand how much he hurt me, how much I hated him, but I don't suppose he would have cared anyway.
The day he died was the single happiest day of my life, and a whole lot of things got a whole lot better with him gone. But the rage didn't go away. I wake up with it every day.
I can't be around drunks or addicts. I have a visceral reaction to them. I feel physically sick if I have to deal with them.
This is a problem because my girlfriend has one in her family. Her sister and her husband are heroin addicts, and he's abusing her pretty badly. Treats her like crap, mooches off her full-time, controls her completely, keeps her isolated from her family, maybe beats her. It's a full-blown family crisis, and my role as the boyfriend is to listen to her talk about it, hold her when she cries, and be as calmly reassuring as I can, while inside I'm just boiling with hate. But I can't say anything. I'm her rock -- I can't let her know that every time I hear about some new crap that this guy has done, my blood pressure shoots through the roof and my stomach twists itself in knots. I can't let her know that supporting her through this is opening up old wounds, and that all I can think about is beating this ************ into a coma, or worse.
What should I do?
My father was a brutal, drunken animal. He beat the hell out of my mom on a regular basis, pulled a gun on her more than once, even pulled the trigger one time (the gun misfired). When I got home from school, I would be left alone with him for two hours until my mom got home from work, during which time I had to sit quietly next to him on the couch while he rambled on and on about what disappointments we all were to him, what a ***** my mom was, how I'd better stop being gay (I'm not gay, but I didn't know how to convince him of that as an 8-year-old), and how I would never be able to measure up to my sister Tracy, who died in a car wreck before I was born (while she was trying to run away from him).
He never made any attempt to change, no matter how much we pleaded with him, and never expressed any remorse or admitted any wrongdoing, even when he was sober. I don't know if he enjoyed hurting us, or just didn't care, but by the time I was ten, I knew that he didn't love me (or anyone), and after a few more years, I didn't love him either.
He died when I was 17. He had the nerve, when we were gathered around his deathbed, to say that he loved us. I played along and said "I love you too" because my mom and brother were there and I didn't want to cause a scene, but we were both lying. Looking back, I wish I'd had the guts to say what I really thought: "I don't believe you." I wish I could have made him understand how much he hurt me, how much I hated him, but I don't suppose he would have cared anyway.
The day he died was the single happiest day of my life, and a whole lot of things got a whole lot better with him gone. But the rage didn't go away. I wake up with it every day.
I can't be around drunks or addicts. I have a visceral reaction to them. I feel physically sick if I have to deal with them.
This is a problem because my girlfriend has one in her family. Her sister and her husband are heroin addicts, and he's abusing her pretty badly. Treats her like crap, mooches off her full-time, controls her completely, keeps her isolated from her family, maybe beats her. It's a full-blown family crisis, and my role as the boyfriend is to listen to her talk about it, hold her when she cries, and be as calmly reassuring as I can, while inside I'm just boiling with hate. But I can't say anything. I'm her rock -- I can't let her know that every time I hear about some new crap that this guy has done, my blood pressure shoots through the roof and my stomach twists itself in knots. I can't let her know that supporting her through this is opening up old wounds, and that all I can think about is beating this ************ into a coma, or worse.
What should I do?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Tell her the truth. You are in a relationship. You are both supposed to be giving and understanding of the other. No one can fix the two addicts . But, you don't have to be an emotionless rock. Maybe the two of you can attend nar-Anon meetings together
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome. Talking honestly about our experiences is what helped me the most. Not in a rage, but calmly explaining what happened and how similar situations bring up PTD reactions. I am over 50 and still have problems with startling noises that throw me back to my being beat after my dad would get in a rage and come find me. I had to explain more than once to my husband why that would cause a physical reaction in my body to hear him drop something and get angry while in another room. He couldn't read my mind, it was my responsibility to explain it and take care of myself. Of course after I talked about with him he has been much better and will even tell me if he has to throw a box downstairs so as not to startle me.
If people don't understand and treat me poorly I won't have anything to do with them regardless of who they are.
I understand how you feel about alcoholics, I feel the same way. My dad also beat me and some of my siblings for no reason mercilessly while my mother said, "not where it shows". So it comes as a great surprise that after many years I have finally been able to have a somewhat relationship with an alcoholic. I talk honestly about my dad's alcoholism with him from time to time. I have watched how he has gone from treatment to treatment, lost his jobs, lost his wife, lost his kids. Don't know what it is going to take for him. He has enough money to live so that is not a problem, but is a problem on the same hand. But it's very odd to not see him as my dad and be angry with him. I don't know why I can tolerate him. Probably because I know how much his kids are hurting but they know nothing about the process of healing from an alcoholic dad and are not interested in finding out. So I sit on the sidelines and watch occasionally and pray for him. The ball is in his court. The ball is in your girlfriends sisters court too.
If people don't understand and treat me poorly I won't have anything to do with them regardless of who they are.
I understand how you feel about alcoholics, I feel the same way. My dad also beat me and some of my siblings for no reason mercilessly while my mother said, "not where it shows". So it comes as a great surprise that after many years I have finally been able to have a somewhat relationship with an alcoholic. I talk honestly about my dad's alcoholism with him from time to time. I have watched how he has gone from treatment to treatment, lost his jobs, lost his wife, lost his kids. Don't know what it is going to take for him. He has enough money to live so that is not a problem, but is a problem on the same hand. But it's very odd to not see him as my dad and be angry with him. I don't know why I can tolerate him. Probably because I know how much his kids are hurting but they know nothing about the process of healing from an alcoholic dad and are not interested in finding out. So I sit on the sidelines and watch occasionally and pray for him. The ball is in his court. The ball is in your girlfriends sisters court too.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome to SR! I am truly sorry for what brings you here.. the anger. What you went through as a child was so abusive. No wonder you are carrying anger.
I am sure the situation with your girlfriends sisters bf is triggering anger in you.
I was angry for a long time as well, at my parents, who were both alcoholics. You suffered a lot of abuse, and that anger doesn't go away without some work on our parts.
I wonder if you might consider some therapy, for you? Al-anon is good, for learning important boundaries which can keep us happier. There used to be ACOA meetings...adult children of alcoholics, but not sure if they are still active. You would probably get much of the same stuff though. I went to both, and its similar.
A counselor could help you, to get rid of that anger, which can make you miserable.
or perhaps a good book on growing up ACOA.
i hope things improve with the gf's family. Thats a very destructive situation, but only she can help herself out of it.
wishing you well.
chicory
I am sure the situation with your girlfriends sisters bf is triggering anger in you.
I was angry for a long time as well, at my parents, who were both alcoholics. You suffered a lot of abuse, and that anger doesn't go away without some work on our parts.
I wonder if you might consider some therapy, for you? Al-anon is good, for learning important boundaries which can keep us happier. There used to be ACOA meetings...adult children of alcoholics, but not sure if they are still active. You would probably get much of the same stuff though. I went to both, and its similar.
A counselor could help you, to get rid of that anger, which can make you miserable.
or perhaps a good book on growing up ACOA.
i hope things improve with the gf's family. Thats a very destructive situation, but only she can help herself out of it.
wishing you well.
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 13
I only liked your post because I can relate to the anger in a big way. And what others have said is true - working on it will be confronting and you will feel very upset before you feel better within yourself and your own ability to be more composed. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions that initially you will not want to feel, but there is positive light on the other side. Whether we run, swim or fly to get there is our own business and not a benchmark for how successful the journey is.
I second that communication and honesty about what you're feeling is a key for your relationship. And also doing meetings could be beneficial. But as long as you are giving yourself an outlet and allowing yourself to work through it, such as counselling, is something I definitely recommend. I did a lot of counselling over the years and dove head on into it when I was 25 and just started dating my now spouse. And whilst I encountered some of the most horrendous emotions I can remember, it has made a difference.
Welcome to the group. We are all with you.
I second that communication and honesty about what you're feeling is a key for your relationship. And also doing meetings could be beneficial. But as long as you are giving yourself an outlet and allowing yourself to work through it, such as counselling, is something I definitely recommend. I did a lot of counselling over the years and dove head on into it when I was 25 and just started dating my now spouse. And whilst I encountered some of the most horrendous emotions I can remember, it has made a difference.
Welcome to the group. We are all with you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I am sorry for what you have been through. I like that you have turned your life for good and have used your father's example to be the exact opposite. My husband and I have done the same. We basically changed everything we hated about our childhoods (alcoholism, emotional abuse, physical abuse, marriage dysfunction) and changed it for good in our family that we created. While no family/parents are perfect, I think our children feel like they can talk to us, be their authentic selves and they do not live in an atmosphere of addiction, fear and hate. Hurting people hurt people. My husband and I had to work on ourselves individually, so that we could heal our hurts in order to have the family that we wanted to nurture. The only thing you have control of is you. Use that anger to fuel good in your life. Nurture and comfort your girlfriend, but gently remind her that you can only take care of yourselves. You deserve a wonderful adulthood and you can give that to yourself. Ask you HP for guidance every day and surrender to it.
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