khendal46

I'm really not sure if this is the right place for this post, but hopefully so. April 18th, I got into a DUI. Not only did I total my car that I had only had for about two weeks, but this was literally the SECOND time within a moth that I had totaled a car. After totaling the first one(also while messed up, but no DUI), I took out a student loan and got another one.

I don't even remember it happening, but I pulled out of my driveway after a long night of getting no sleep, and having taken enormous amounts of Benzodiazapenes. I woke up and I had crashed through a woman's garage in the Country Club that I live in. Being such a small knit community, a lot of people found out. I have had people from the club come up to my job and ask me about it. All my coworkers found out, and everyone thinks of me as an alcoholic. My roommate works at the country club, and said he was advised to hire a lawyer, since it is his house, and he allowed me to move in. There is estimated to be $40,000 to 50 thousand dollars in damage.

I am nineteen, and I work a minimum wage job. I have seriously spent the last two years of my life basically being messed up all the time. I had very controlling adoptive parents, and when I moved out with my sister, I went absolutely crazy, so bad that even she had to kick me out. I have no way to pay all the legal fees, and am left riding a bike everywhere, and knowing that I am basically over financially.

My main question is this: has anyone else ever dealt with very very severe depression and anxiety over a DUI? The first week after, I actually felt great, and thought that I was on a new track. But I am dealing with a serious dillemma: i have finally realized that I was doing a lot of stuff wrong, so I have absolutely no idea who I am anymore. I just feel like I was doing so much wrong that I want to reinvent myself, but I don't know where to start. As a result, I have become severely insecure, nervous, and depressed. I have always had anxiety, but it has gotten very, very severe. It has gotten to the point where I am so socially anxious with feelings of ineptitude, that I have panic attacks almost any time I talk to someone. I have not left the house in days, except for work. I have absolutely no sex drive, and I am seriously even starting to question my sexual orientation. I just hate myself so deeply now, and I have started getting these "flashbacks" of stupid things that I have done. These events can be so intense sometimes that I literally will shout out when the emotions get too intense.
Has this happened to anyone else? Did it ever go away? Please help.

Sasha4

Its not happened to me.....yet.
I'm 3 years without a drink but if i start this might be me next week.
Who knows?

First as much as it seems like the end of the world its not.
No-one died, no-one got seriously hurt thank goodness.
No-one lost a daughter, son, dad, mum etc from this.

However someone could have died or had life changing injuries.
A family could of been torn apart from it.

You are young.
Having this happen now and learning from it may save you many years of drinking and drugging and all the misery that goes with it.
How awful and what a waste of a life, to reach 60 years old and wish you had stopped it all.
Realising that your behaviour is risky at 19 could save you from a miserable life and regrets of wasted opportunities and messy events.

It sounds like you have a lot going on.
Do you have anyone to talk to?
Is there anyone for you to confide in?
Have you thought about attending NA or AA?
Do you want to stop drinking and taking drugs?

Apologise to those with the damage.
The gossip will move on soon.
Keep a low clean profile and show you are remorseful and wanting to change.

I wish you the best xx

Gilmer

I felt that I had messed up beyond possible repair in 2006. I was severely, severely depressed--especially because my suddenly extremely well-known problem was the result of my own hand. I was continually fixated on every horrible or stupid thing that I had ever done (and there was a whole lot).

I could not even speak. All I could do was to cry out to God. Months went by, and eventually the pain dimmed a bit. Within a couple years it was gone.

You will have a tough time walking through all this, for sure. But cry out to God. He is like a heatsink for your agony.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Khenda

not a driver so I never had a DUI. I did lots of other things I was ashamed of tho.

I mainly focus on today - it's the only day we can do anything with. I made amends where I could and lived right for the rest.

You're 19. You have a great opportunity to change direction and live the rest of your life without things like DUIs.

I really hope you take it

D

Spalding

Maybe seeking out someone you can talk to and work on your concerns with might help? AA or NA are good options too!

It definitely sounds like you're going through a rough time, but I hope you're holding on, and don't give up! We believe in you.

It might take time, and it might seem scary. But. I have to say, if you're starting to face your consequences even through all the fear, I would say youre taking a step in the right direction! If you were running away (through benzos/alcohol etc) after such a big thing happening, I would say that would be even scarier almost.

Sounds like you're ready for some change! I believe in you!

Astro

Stick around and you'll hear many stories about what got us into recovery. Cleaning up the wreckage of our past is not impossible, but it starts with staying clean and sober and possibly practicing a program of recovery.

You're off to a great start by coming here and talking about it. Hopefully you'll choose to continue walking this path and cleaning up your side of the street. Welcome to SR, kendahl.

rc4dt1

I got a DUI in 2008 at the age of 31, which resulted in going to jail for 10 days and several thousand in fines. I also wrecked my car 3 times driving drunk, 2 before and one after the DUI. I also came from a relatively strict household as a kid and when I moved out to go to college and thereafter I went nuts. Fortunately I was able to progress professionally and socially in my teems and early adulthood. However, looking back that sure led to me waiting longer to seek help. I also THOUGHT I was progressing socially because I had party friends. I kept in contact with very very few of those people when I chose to get better.

I never was depressed about my consequences until my 30s. The fact that you are starting to question these things now, in your late teens, is a blessing. You are a step ahead of others who still may not see "the problem". It's up to you as far as what you do in response but there ARE people out there that will love and support you no matter what path you choose (sexually, spiritually, professionally, etc).

Keep coming here and posting about your experiences. I can't say enough about this community.

Good luck and just do the next right thing in front of you (simple but not easy).

EDIT ... one more thought ... looking back there were many signs in early adulthood and into my 30's that I chose to ignore... I recognized them as issues because I paid serious consequences but I thought I could control the outcome next time even under the same circumstances (intoxication and recklessness). While I am happy where I am today, I wish I listened to my gut when I first had a hunch that I needed to make a change. It would have saved me a ton of grief and given me a headstart on my new way of life. A way of life I never want to give up now that I found it.

1Dayatatyme

Khendal: Have you had therapy to deal with the fact you are adopted? I have worked with families who have adopted children, and there are issues that arise. No wonder you don't know who you are, and are having identity issues: if your adoptive parents were super controlling, you were a reflection of what they thought their child "should" be. A lot of these issues just may be part of your core problems and why you need to drink and drug so extensively.
I strongly suggest you find a counselor that you can trust, and start working on your issues, in conjunction with attending AA to address you drinking.
You deserve to have a happy life, and doing some work now will be worth it in the long run. Good luck to you!

LostLilly

Not much wisdom to add but just wanted to say I feel the same way. I have so much I am regretting and I am twice your age! Feel many of your same emotions. Trying to take it one day at a time and reading posts of others who have climbed out of the regret and pain and changed everything in time.