Newly married - and miserable
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1
Newly married - and miserable
Oh my goodness where do I start? OK, this is my first time here, this is gonna be long, sorry.
I've been married for two months to a crack addict. I have two kids by my first marriage and another one on the way with my AH. I've known him for a year, but didn't know about his addiction until 5 months into the relationship; he was able to hide it from me with help from his family. They knew about his addiction but never said anything to me about it. By the time I found out I was already in love with him. Until that time I had absolutely no experience with addiction of any kind and believed his promises and lies; ended up marrying him. He went to rehab the week after we got married and stayed there for 21 days, came out, stayed clean for a month. Then just this past Friday he went out to go run errands and never came back, never answered his phone. I know he's out using and so does his family. He took my car, our only vehicle, leaving me pregnant with two kids and no car. His family is letting me borrow one of their cars until he comes back with mine. They are confident that he will come back and keep trying to reassure me that he will return with my car.
I found out that his mother gave him money, $50 after he told her he needed money for a car charger. His uncle gave him $20 for cutting his grass. His cousin gave him $40 for cutting her grass. Why? And they bought him another cell phone after he traded his other one for drugs. Why? They are enabling him and helping him kill himself. I feel helpless and alone. I have not told my family about these recent developments because I feel so embarrassed and humiliated.
I know that was long but I really need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. I just really want my car back more than anything.
I've been married for two months to a crack addict. I have two kids by my first marriage and another one on the way with my AH. I've known him for a year, but didn't know about his addiction until 5 months into the relationship; he was able to hide it from me with help from his family. They knew about his addiction but never said anything to me about it. By the time I found out I was already in love with him. Until that time I had absolutely no experience with addiction of any kind and believed his promises and lies; ended up marrying him. He went to rehab the week after we got married and stayed there for 21 days, came out, stayed clean for a month. Then just this past Friday he went out to go run errands and never came back, never answered his phone. I know he's out using and so does his family. He took my car, our only vehicle, leaving me pregnant with two kids and no car. His family is letting me borrow one of their cars until he comes back with mine. They are confident that he will come back and keep trying to reassure me that he will return with my car.
I found out that his mother gave him money, $50 after he told her he needed money for a car charger. His uncle gave him $20 for cutting his grass. His cousin gave him $40 for cutting her grass. Why? And they bought him another cell phone after he traded his other one for drugs. Why? They are enabling him and helping him kill himself. I feel helpless and alone. I have not told my family about these recent developments because I feel so embarrassed and humiliated.
I know that was long but I really need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do. I just really want my car back more than anything.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome newlywed. Sorry to hear of your troubles and thanks for sharing your story. There is a forum here on SR dedicated to supporting friends and family of addicts, I added a link to the forum at the bottom of my message.
At this point there is really not a lot you can do about your husband's addiction, he will only seek help when he is ready and on his own terms. I'd highly recommend seeking help for yourself and your children, and definitely let your family know as you are going to need there support too. You are well past the point of embarrassment...this is a pressing issue you need to address now.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
At this point there is really not a lot you can do about your husband's addiction, he will only seek help when he is ready and on his own terms. I'd highly recommend seeking help for yourself and your children, and definitely let your family know as you are going to need there support too. You are well past the point of embarrassment...this is a pressing issue you need to address now.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I'm really sorry for your situation.
You have no control over what his family does to help and enable him. And, unfortunately you have no control over whether or not he decides to get help. Obviously you have two children to care for and a baby about to be born, so I hope that you can focus on those things. You might also check out our Friends & Families forum on this board where you will find more support.Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You have no control over what his family does to help and enable him. And, unfortunately you have no control over whether or not he decides to get help. Obviously you have two children to care for and a baby about to be born, so I hope that you can focus on those things. You might also check out our Friends & Families forum on this board where you will find more support.Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Sounds really bad. I don't know what to say other than refer you to an excellent forum here:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
It's for Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. People who know what you're going through.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
It's for Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. People who know what you're going through.
The only thing you can do is get support for yourself and your kids. I hope he decides to get clean. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I learned the hard way myself. Most likely he will turn up again. Addicts lie. Crack is a hard drug to kick.
I'm married to an alcoholic crack addict. I've done too many nights of pacing the floor while my husband was out getting high. Driving a car titled in my name. Not answering his phone or coming back.
You have a couple of options but I highly recommend telling YOUR family what is going on. You need support if you have little kids and are pregnant.
If you stay with him, this will continue. I've been married ten years now and I am finally getting to the end of my patience with my husband getting sober, relapsing, getting sober, relapsing. I wouldn't recommend a marriage like this to my worst enemy. It's awfully lonely.
If you leave, you will be saving yourself a boatload of even more heartache. Honestly. You will be. I know you love him. I love my husband too. Or think I do in some corner of my brain. I hate his actions and that is who he is when he is high. Or wanting to get high.
So, in the meantime, hide ALL of your jewelry unless you want it to disappear. Give it to someone you absolutely trust for safekeeping if you don't have a place at home. My husband pawned my wedding ring a couple of times. He pawned all of the little diamond jewelry he bought me along the way. Oh, and power tools and electronics. Hide those too. Separate your finances. If you do not already have your own bank accounts, get one. And do NOT leave your ATM or credit cards or checks laying around the house. Hide them well. In fact, unless you absolutely need them for something, don't have them in your house. I keep mine in my desk at work. Do not keep cash in your wallet. Your wallet will be empty in the time it takes you to go to the restroom to wash your hands.
Above all, don't give him money. He will beg you for money. He will threaten you for money. He will tell you someone is threatening him for money. You will have to accept the harsh fact that addicts will lie and do anything for drugs.
I am sorry that this is such a bleak picture. That I can't give you a better happy story. There are slices of good things in all the bad but everything I said you must do to protect your stuff and finances was learned the very hard way. A couple of years ago my husband went out on Christmas Eve and didn't come home for two days. Missed Christmas with his family. Has missed numerous birthday parties. Etc. etc. If you stay, it is a hard life.
Please go to the family and friends of substance abusers for more support. My prayers are with you.
I'm married to an alcoholic crack addict. I've done too many nights of pacing the floor while my husband was out getting high. Driving a car titled in my name. Not answering his phone or coming back.
You have a couple of options but I highly recommend telling YOUR family what is going on. You need support if you have little kids and are pregnant.
If you stay with him, this will continue. I've been married ten years now and I am finally getting to the end of my patience with my husband getting sober, relapsing, getting sober, relapsing. I wouldn't recommend a marriage like this to my worst enemy. It's awfully lonely.
If you leave, you will be saving yourself a boatload of even more heartache. Honestly. You will be. I know you love him. I love my husband too. Or think I do in some corner of my brain. I hate his actions and that is who he is when he is high. Or wanting to get high.
So, in the meantime, hide ALL of your jewelry unless you want it to disappear. Give it to someone you absolutely trust for safekeeping if you don't have a place at home. My husband pawned my wedding ring a couple of times. He pawned all of the little diamond jewelry he bought me along the way. Oh, and power tools and electronics. Hide those too. Separate your finances. If you do not already have your own bank accounts, get one. And do NOT leave your ATM or credit cards or checks laying around the house. Hide them well. In fact, unless you absolutely need them for something, don't have them in your house. I keep mine in my desk at work. Do not keep cash in your wallet. Your wallet will be empty in the time it takes you to go to the restroom to wash your hands.
Above all, don't give him money. He will beg you for money. He will threaten you for money. He will tell you someone is threatening him for money. You will have to accept the harsh fact that addicts will lie and do anything for drugs.
I am sorry that this is such a bleak picture. That I can't give you a better happy story. There are slices of good things in all the bad but everything I said you must do to protect your stuff and finances was learned the very hard way. A couple of years ago my husband went out on Christmas Eve and didn't come home for two days. Missed Christmas with his family. Has missed numerous birthday parties. Etc. etc. If you stay, it is a hard life.
Please go to the family and friends of substance abusers for more support. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time
I hope you find support you need, you're very brave for reaching out. I'm sure there are people in this forum who have been there too. Have u checked the friends and families threads ?
I hope you find support you need, you're very brave for reaching out. I'm sure there are people in this forum who have been there too. Have u checked the friends and families threads ?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 132
Welcome! I'm also sorry to hear about this terrible situation. I've never been that close to an addict, but a neighbor of mine was. The guy was a crack addict. His wife might have been, too, but I think she used just with him. She was younger than him, they had a baby and she was miserable. He would disappear. I was with her once when he did that, went out to pick something up and never came back, not that night anyway. She unloaded all the pent up feelings she had on me (I was only 19 and not used to real adults having troubles with addiction). I didn't know what to tell her. I don't know what to tell you. But I can tell you you will find some great support and advice here.
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