MamaToFive

I will introduce myself. I am Laura G. and I am 44 years old. I have been married for almost 21 years and we have 5 kids. When I was in my 20 (approximately age 20 to age 27) I had been a heavy binge drinker, to the point where I would black out and not remember anything for that whole night. I got pregnant with our first at age 27 (had her just after my 28th birthday) and I quit drinking, except for times where I knew my hubby would be home and able to care for the child/children, like New Year's for example...so I wasn't actively getting drunk but for one or two days per YEAR.

Fast forward. Our eldest is now 16, and our youngest is now 5...for the past 5 days, I have been drinking. I started off with 2 bottles (small) of wine...and I would drink as soon as the liquor store opened at 9 am on Wed. and Thurs. and continue with the wine and then switch to beer, as it is sold right down the street from me and is easy to get. I have been drunk for the past 5 days pretty much...I wake up and think of nothing but stopping the shaking in my hands. I am a mess. I was so drunk last night that I hadn't even showered! That is pathetic. I had gotten up, showered, and had gone right out to the local store to buy 2 40-oz bottles of beer. I drank 2 already. On my 3rd now. I had to go buy 2 more 40 oz beers because I know this store is closed on Sundays. My hubby and I went out last night to a bar after he got home from work...I was already drunk. I am surprised they had even served me. I was obviously drunk. I am drunk (pretty much) now.

I don't know if I have crossed that line between just drinking a little to full blown "I should be concerned" drinking.

Help? Advice? Please be gentle. The reason for me drinking is that it shuts the suicidal thoughts up. I have tried to commit suicide twice in two months and I had just gotten out of the hospital about 3 weeks ago. I want to die...but this helps me deal with that feeling and makes those thoughts quiet.

I don't know what to think...? It has ONLY been 5 days!! I can't have a problem yet!!!

Sorry for the incoherent post.

I need advice. Thanks.

Thepatman

Hi and Welcome.

My Alcohol consumption was progressive as well. Until I could not longer manage my life anymore. My thinking was distorted, financial a mess, my health was failing.

For some, self medication for a deeper problem is what started it all. Suicidal thoughts is something you need to work on with a solid therapist. In today's reality, people can sometimes loose sight and feel desperation.

Wishing you well, and congrats for reaching out for support. That takes courage, never forget that.

least

Welcome to the family. If your hands are shaking in the mornings, it sounds like alcohol withdrawal to me. Can you see your doctor for help with getting thru the first few days of w/d? The anxiety and shakes of w/d are often what sends people back to drinking.

I'd suggest seeing your doctor for help and then developing a recovery plan. Sounds like counseling might be helpful too, if you've been feeling suicidal.

Delilah1

If you are having suicidal thoughts you should go back to the hospital immediately. Is there someone home to drive you, if not call 911. I am sure you are scared, and you need someone who can help you through this.

MIRecovery

Although alcohol could be a contributing factor it is critical you address the risk of suicide.

Please contact
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Lifeline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Reach out and get the help you deserve

zjw

it sounds like your self medicating and ripe for a drinking problem at the very least. To be able to just pick it up just like that and drink like you are is concerning at the very least but you probably know that since you posted here.

and like others have said if your having suicidal thoughts thats not a good thing you should consider seeking help for that. Alcohol doesnt help in this department from my expierience it makes it worse.

Sasha4

You can get yourself out of this cycle, but you need to be careful.

Like Least says it sounds like you are in withdrawal if you need a drink to stop the shakes.

It can be dangerous to stop drinking abruptly if you have been drinking a heavily over a period of time.

You can be at risk from seizure or worse.

You would be safer seeking medical advice and getting support to detox.

You are young.
You can come back from this and change your life.

Alcohol is a depressant and I know it caused me some horrific episodes of anxiety.
It might work at the moment to block the bad thoughts out, but eventually you will become more and more tolerant to its effects and have to drink more and more to get the same buzz or feeling you like now.

You probably know deep down that the alcohol is a not an effective long term solution to your problematic thoughts.
It might provide some temporary relief, but that won't last and could create all sorts of additional problems - like affecting your kids and their happiness at home, your husband, it could bring legal issues. The list is endless.

Do you know what has triggered these thoughts?
Is this something recent or is it something you have always struggled with?

Anna

It does sound like you are unable to stop drinking once you start and whether or not you label that alcoholism doesn't really matter. It's a big problem. But, I think a bigger problem are you suicidal thoughts. You said you've recently been hospitalized. Are you getting any therapy or medication as treatment? This is our link, and please take care of yourself. You deserve a good life.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

MamaToFive

Yes, I see a therapist regularly and he knows about my suicidal thoughts...he doesn't know I had attempted just yesterday or the day before. I can't remember.

I am scared. So scared. What is wrong with me?

I had been a heavy drinker in my 20s...quit once I had gotten pregnant with our first...I hate myself... I want to die and I am using alcohol to quiet those thoughts. I won't attempt because right now...I will admit. I am drunk as hell. I can barely see straight and I just passed out...for about 15 minutes. I love to drink and I don't know why I am here since I do NOT want to stop...or do I? I have no clue. Help?

Anna

I think it's extremely important for you to be honest with your therapist. I also think it would be a really good idea for you to go to the ER now. You need help.

Saskia

Mama, what Anna said - top notch advice!

Hevyn

Hello Mama - glad you wanted to talk things over.

I was behaving the same way prior to quitting. I drank all my life - but I had lost all control. Each time it got in my system it led to danger. I always drank more than I intended to - I even got a dui. The only way for me to be safe was to stop all together. I hadn't wanted it to come to that - but my fantasy of being able to drink socially was never going to happen. I'd stepped over the line into alcoholic drinking and there was no going back.

It feels great to be free of it. Good to have you with us.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Mama

You will find support understanding, and a little hope, here - this is a great community

I was very unhappy for a lot of years. I thought drinking helped me cope but it actually just made me sadder.

It's very important to remember the way you feel right now is not the way you will feel forever. Things can and do get better. There's so many great stories and happy endings on this site.

I hope you did end up going to the ER and reading the link Anna posted.

When you can, let us know how you're doing

D

exwell66

The drinking is a large problem but you need to get help right away for the other issue.If not for yourself think of your kids.I found my mom dead from an overdose vodka and pills 3 mothers days ago.I was 46 at the time and It haunts me every day...your kids don't need to experience what I did...get help now.

EndGameNYC

You need to make yourself safe. Neither attempting suicide nor blackout drinking does that for you. Each contributes to the other. People with depression that brings about suicidal thoughts are at a much higher risk for a completed suicide than the general population, and this risk again rises when alcohol is added. Drinking may lead to suicidal thoughts and behaviors through disinhibition, impulsiveness and impaired judgment, but -- and as seems the case with you -- it may also be used as a means to ease the distress associated with committing an act of suicide. Alcoholics and other problem drinkers also have increased risk for suicidality, both intentional and accidental.

There is no other advice than to get yourself to the ER. It may help to call your therapist first, but you need to get help right now.

thomas11

Hi Mama, alcohol may be keeping you alive right now, but may kill you in the end. I really feel for you in your situation. I believe the advice others have offered is spot on and you should seriously consider taking that advice and acting on it. You've got 5 really good reasons to get more professional help to get you through this. Your safety is the #1 priority right now, deal with the rest later. Please if possible, get to safety...somewhere. I wish you the very best.

Latte

I am so glad you are here. Have you considered talking to a mental health professional. I self medicated for years. Mental illness is a bitch and once I learned that it wasn't shameful to need mental health help. If I had high BP, I would not think twice about getting help and taking a doctors advice. Same with a broken brain.

I'll be thinking of you.

Ileana

Mama-
Drinking w/suicidal thoughts is not a good combination. Can you talk to your husband? Mom, dad, sister, brother, or friend? Anyone with you now?

MamaToFive

I am safe now. The intense feelings have gone away and somehow I am feeling sober again. I haven't had any alcohol in more than 3 hours, but I really want some I guess. About the suicidal thoughts: I talked to some friends online (it is a support group especially for that) and the thoughts have passed. I am no longer suicidal. I need more alcohol though...my stomach is upset now and my head is aching so I don't think that is going to happen.

I guess this isn't the place for me because I really don't want to stop and I don't plan on stopping. I want to say it again: I am not in any physical or mental danger right now and I will not hurt myself. I shouldn't have told y'all about the suicidal stuff because now that is the focus and I am NOT in that state of mind.

I am sorry about the drama I've caused and I don't remember why I came here. I guess...I don't fit here.

I think I will go now and bow out gracefully so y'all can help the people here who really want to recover. I don't know if I even deserve any help, as I am just...binge drinking and I can't see myself in the same category as people who have real problems with alcohol...according to stories I've heard and what I have read.

Sorry again for scaring you guys. Thanks for the friendly hands and welcome.

~LG

sugarbear1

Binge Drinking has recently been added to the medical dictionary under "Alcoholism."

I hope you reconsider leaving here, there's a wealth of information available for us.

With love and hugs to you,
SB