Weasel1966

When to much of my life is in order I cringe.... Yup.

Most everything I ever lost in my life was not taken away by someone else. I did it. Me. Certainly the same holds true for what I have. It's the balance between having and losing that is a constant struggle for me. If that makes any sense.

It's the water line of my life that gets me worried most days. I somehow learned early that it's best to keep my head slightly submerged in order to feel safe. I am slowly approaching that line. Where I seem to be adding and not subtracting. It's a damn scary line to cross for someone like me. Damn scary indeed.

Doubling back now would be horrific. Yet my mind clearly is considering it an option. Well my alcoholic mind. My sane mind is going for the gold. My sane mind is not even tiptoeing up to the line like I always have. Dip the ole toe in and run screaming like a little child. Eff no.

I doubt I will see I have crossed it until I am well past it. Taking inventory has become less required when I can remember the last 48 hours and so I suspect I will do just that. Cross that line into what could be considered a joyful life. I can tell I am close. But I make no assumptions. Ever.

Just thought I would share what's on my mind today. I guess looking around at things has me feeling just a bit more grateful than I once was.

Della1968

I have always said I always waited for the other shoe to drop and if it didn't I found a way to make it drop. I also lost everything on my own in spite of all those who tried to help me keep it. Some days it seems like it would be so easy to fall back into the same old ways. There is a tiny bit of comfort in never expecting or hoping.

Thepatman

Self sabotage became my expertise after practicing for 20 years.

The best of things could happen to me and I would screw them up. Kind of happy I never won the Loto jackpot. I would have spent it all and most likely would be dead.

Thanks for sharing

Verte

Bringing good things to your life and keeping them there...well done Weasel. Thanks for sharing your journey.

Weasel1966

Thanks... this was not so much about self sabotage as just realizing that living sober allows for so much more. And when I finally realize that I can allow it in.

Impurrfect

Weasel - I am sort of like Della, always expecting the other shoe to drop. Like most of us, what I've lost I did it myself.

I have those days where I'm nearly in tears with gratitude. Then, some days I'm wondering why I'm uneasy when I have so much to be grateful for? It's like I've not yet accepted that I'm still a bit uneasy when things are going good?

You'd think after 8 years in recovery, I'd have it down. Oh yeah, there were those decades of drama/chaos and other stuff that was the norm.

I really appreciate you bringing this up as, yet again, I realize I'm not the only who feels this way. I also appreciate how much you teach and inspire me

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Dee74

you win the internet today Ken

It took me a while to learn to trust feeling happy, but I got used to it. I no longer think partly submerged is my default position

D

melki

Love this!!! Happy for you Weasel. We can let it in. No more retreating back into the shell. I'm not quite there to allow for the full potential, for some reason it's scary. But it seems a lot more possible now...

Jeni26

TOY

Jen xxx

Weasel1966

Back at you Miss Jeni!!!!!!!!

Dee really? The whole internet? Haha... What shall I do with it? Hmmmmm

Thanks for the comments and support I get here. It means everything ... I mean everything to me.