Stanley74

They say men go with men and women go with women for sponsors. what do you do when you're gay?

TroyW

How large is the AA group? Have you told them you're gay? If not, and you're comfortable doing so, maybe try that. Who knows, maybe someone will pull you aside at the meeting, and let you know they're gay too.

Soberween

Yea, I would maybe seek out a gay sponsor (same gender). There may be some things in regards to sexuality that affects your sobriety that a heterosexual has never had to endure (discrimination, judgement, etc.) so they wouldn't be able to understand certain things that could be triggers. I hope that makes sense. I've heard homophobic comments said under the breath by some people at meetings. I would imagine being treated differently could be a painful experience that you may have drank in the past to mask those feelings.

Dee74

Hi Stanley - welcome

Not in AA myself but I've known many GLBTQ members here at SR

Often you'll find gay men pick women sponsors and vice versa - it usually gets rid of the whole sexual attraction thing.

D

Lance40

I have a female sponsor. I'm in a 15 year relationship and wouldn't be comfortable with a same sex sponsor. The sponsor / sponsee relationship can be very intimate. Some of the step work requires vulnerability and a level of emotional openness that could spell trouble for me. I'm able to really let go with my sponsor because it is secure with no possibility of misplaced affections.

That said, there are gay men's AA groups, so I'm sure there are sponsorship relationships out of that. I have no idea what that dynamic looks like.

I live in an area where sexual orientation is not an issue and there are gay guys in many regular meetings. I can't imagine it ever being an issue, but if I ever heard a homophobic statement in a meeting I'd publicly call it right on the spot. Some people have a problem with homosexuality usually because of religion, insecurity, ignorance or fear, but the rooms are no place for anything other than alcoholics to share and support each other. All the other differences don't matter.

NoelleR

I got sober at Lambda Center, a gay aa, cma, ga center here in Houston. We've always gone with 'men with men; women with women' when it comes to sponsorship, and the same was true when I was in SF, CA during my first few months of recovery........gay or straight; men with men and women with women.

Men and women are different, with different lives and different problems. It doesn't matter if they're straight or gay; that's not where the difference lies; the difference lies in the gender. I had a male sponsor for a bit, and I now know more about his sex life than I've ever wanted to know about anybody's sex life; male, female, straight, or gay.

(o:
NoelleR

IOAA2

Hi.
I just did a quick search of gay meetings in RI and found a bunch. Have no fear.

BE WELL

saoutchik

I don't attend AA so maybe so this is tentative but I think the most important thing is that you 'get on'with your sponsor and that there is a bit of mutual respect. Personally it wouldn't bother me what sex or sexual orientation my sponsor is

saoutchik

Sorry meant to say well done for quitting

Aellyce

I was asking the same question when I first tried AA. I'm bi, and am actually prone to "misplaced affections" as Lance put it, so how can I do this safely? I never ended up getting a sponsor or getting too serious about AA, but thought about this question quite a bit back then and also discussed it with people in AA. One thing I came up with is that I would probably discuss it with the sponsor candidate before we start working together. Much like when looking for a therapist... ask them the questions that concern me about aspects of the relationship we are about to enter. I imagine that someone who already clearly settled with you in the beginning that sexual attraction and affection is out of the picture no matter what and you can feel safe, is more unlikely to let things progress that way even if some attraction develops, unless it's a person with questionable ethics. Another thing that would probably help me avoid that challenge is to choose someone that is really outside of what I tend to find attractive that way physically, whichever gender. I think that it's good to work with someone you can potentially discuss specific problems based on shared experience, eg. if your drinking problem had aspects of gay issues, another gay person might be a good choice.

I also second the advice of identifying yourself as gay at start, gay meeting or regular, if this is something that causes you concern and you find it important. Then other people could also take this into account when they interact with you.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Stanley!!

fini

welcome, Stanley.

i finally just asked a person whose shares i had particularly related to for some time. who i knew would understand my difficulties with "the program" because they had shared about their own and how they managed with that.

if you have the luxury of not needing to make a decision right away, then i'd suggest to find a meeting you feel okay in and then listen to what people are actually saying and see how they actually "work" their lives.

initially, i had concerns like yours, but they went away as i just stopped fretting about genders or orientations and picked the person who had what i wanted

greens

I've worked with both male and female sponsors and know many other people who have done the same . Even straight people , I knew a lot of woman who came in Hating and not trusting other woman and so they would be sponsored by men.

Do whatever feels right to you ,