Relationship between addictive behavior and harmful relationships?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 33
Relationship between addictive behavior and harmful relationships?
Just wondering if anyone can relate or offer advice from the other side?
And before I start I really want to acknowledge that yeah, the common denominator is me, it's just me. I understand that I'm the problem, I'm just trying to understand it.
I wrote a long thing about different relationships I've been in, but I want to skip it. I'll just summarize that it's everything from actual physical violence to cheating to policing of my appearance to neglect. Sometimes combined.
The thing is, it feels so similar to drinking. The rational part of my brain is like "Step away from this man, put down the conversation" and yet 30 seconds later I'm all over him. Or I'm answering the phone even after I've said it's over. It's the same pattern of not being able to break the momentary urges in favor of what I know is best for me long term. People (yes, multiple) have actually told me "I'm not a good boyfriend" and I just keep dating them because I ignore the actual direct spoken warning and look at whatever it was about them that made me fall in love. And just like I can't put down the drink, I can't walk away.
If anyone has experienced something similar to this pattern, I would love to know if there's a book or a website that might help me. Or just stories from your own experiences. The scariest thing for me is that the bad relationship decisions and the drinking haven't overlapped the way I'd expect... it's not like I relapse and then I get into damaging relationships. I tend to get sober and happy and then start the damaging relationships and sabotage myself when they fall apart.
And before I start I really want to acknowledge that yeah, the common denominator is me, it's just me. I understand that I'm the problem, I'm just trying to understand it.
I wrote a long thing about different relationships I've been in, but I want to skip it. I'll just summarize that it's everything from actual physical violence to cheating to policing of my appearance to neglect. Sometimes combined.
The thing is, it feels so similar to drinking. The rational part of my brain is like "Step away from this man, put down the conversation" and yet 30 seconds later I'm all over him. Or I'm answering the phone even after I've said it's over. It's the same pattern of not being able to break the momentary urges in favor of what I know is best for me long term. People (yes, multiple) have actually told me "I'm not a good boyfriend" and I just keep dating them because I ignore the actual direct spoken warning and look at whatever it was about them that made me fall in love. And just like I can't put down the drink, I can't walk away.
If anyone has experienced something similar to this pattern, I would love to know if there's a book or a website that might help me. Or just stories from your own experiences. The scariest thing for me is that the bad relationship decisions and the drinking haven't overlapped the way I'd expect... it's not like I relapse and then I get into damaging relationships. I tend to get sober and happy and then start the damaging relationships and sabotage myself when they fall apart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 33
Hi maybe I should have titled this differently... I received a message from an administrator advising me to try the family and friends forum... I couldn't reply because privately I don't have enough posts.
Please note that what I was trying to ask is if other people with substance abuse problems also feel like their relationship choices are tied to the same personality issues that lead to addiction. I realize now that the title sounds like I was asking if addiction and bad partnership are related. I should have worded it more carefully. Or I might just have the whole breakdown amongst the forums wrong. Let me know, and sorry, I would respond directly but I can't just yet (although one closer now!).
Please note that what I was trying to ask is if other people with substance abuse problems also feel like their relationship choices are tied to the same personality issues that lead to addiction. I realize now that the title sounds like I was asking if addiction and bad partnership are related. I should have worded it more carefully. Or I might just have the whole breakdown amongst the forums wrong. Let me know, and sorry, I would respond directly but I can't just yet (although one closer now!).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Your entire post could describe my dating history from calling after saying it's over to them saying "I'm not a good boyfriend".
It's so hard to let go. That is the trouble for me. I also feel I picked people that weren't good for me when things were going well. Shooting myself in the foot. In some ways I had to manufacture drama to feel things. Feel something. Alcohol creates and deadens all that to some degree. When the alcohol is gone, I had to create drama.
It's been a long process to get through and over that. It started when I quit drinking and also believing that I was someone of value. Worthy of a healthy relationship. I don't have one at the moment as I married an alcoholic who is currently relapsed but I stay for some reasons I won't go into here.
Hang in there.
It's so hard to let go. That is the trouble for me. I also feel I picked people that weren't good for me when things were going well. Shooting myself in the foot. In some ways I had to manufacture drama to feel things. Feel something. Alcohol creates and deadens all that to some degree. When the alcohol is gone, I had to create drama.
It's been a long process to get through and over that. It started when I quit drinking and also believing that I was someone of value. Worthy of a healthy relationship. I don't have one at the moment as I married an alcoholic who is currently relapsed but I stay for some reasons I won't go into here.
Hang in there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
