amy55

My oldest daughter, Dani, called me today. We were talking about the Lupus walk she was having this Saturday. I'm going to be helping her out with this.

For those who have been reading what I write, expressed to Dani, that I wanted to apologize to Jackie, (my youngest daughter), but I really didn't know what for. I was going to just go with apologizing for losing it during the divorce, and see where it went to from there.

So Dani, first apologized for the RO. Said she felt responsible for all of this. Then she told me that Jackie was upset with me for a long time. That when I was hospitalized because of domestic violence, that I yelled at her. I don't recall that. I know I wanted her to go home, it was 1 in the morning, to pick me up the next day, get some sleep.

I had a lump on my forehead. 1 inch by 2 inches. I had ice on my head, they were taking me in for brain scans or whatever. Don't remember much. This was end of June 2006. I had called 911. That's how I got to the hospital. Jackie was at friends house that night. Guess police or hospital got my cell phone and called her.

Jackie came to the hospital. As soon as she walked in she said, I told you, you should have left years ago. She was 19 then. I told her I wanted her to go home and get some sleep, that I will be OK. She wanted to stay, I didn't want her to see me that way. She went home.

She recalls this as me yelling at her. I didn't, I just didn't want her to sit in the hospital all night with me.

I remember when she was 8. My ex had just pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. I stayed up all night cleaning and doing wash. She came to the basement about 2 in the morning and asked me not to commit suicide.

How much did I F... up my kids?

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

LexieCat

YOU didn't eff them up--to the extent they are, it's the abuser's responsibility. You weren't in a position at that time to be mother of the year. You did your best to stay safe and protect them. Part of the whole deal is that you were hampered in your efforts to do that. It isn't like you were getting something "out" of what was being done to you.

She was 19, and that explains a lot, too. A 19 y/o is not mature, doesn't have the life experience to understand where you were at, at that time. She only knows she was there and felt kicked out. So you can tell her, if you want to, that you're sorry if she took it that way and explain why you said it. She'll accept that or not, but that's about all you can do--explain that it wasn't a rejection of her, it was just how messed up you felt. That cleans up your side of it. What she does with that isn't your problem.

amy55

More thinking today. What I decided to do was to apologize, that I did get crazy near the end. If she wants to bring up things that I can't apologize for, then I will validate her. Like with the above incident. I will tell her that I really didn't want her to sit in the hospital with me all night. that at the time I wasn't thinking about what she felt, and that she might have wanted to be near me that night. That perhaps she stayed up that whole night worrying, because I would have done the same thing.

Damn, writing this out, I am actually sorry that I told her to leave. She wanted to be supportive to me, and I told her to leave.

Just know, I am not having a pity party right now. What's done is done. Perhaps I should have posted this in the ACOA section. Thinking about it now, if my mom was hospitalized and she told me to leave, I would be very upset.

Going back to thinking again.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

healthyagain

Amy, what you describe were tough times, charged with emotions. You might have raised your tone that night, or maybe said it in the way that was upsetting for her (something she perceived as yelling although your intentions were not even close to that). She saw you hurt and wanted to be there (understandable and human), and you did not want your daughter to see you in that condition (again perfectly understandable and human).

You may apologize, but she could also just for a moment put herself into your shoes that night (just like you are considering things from her perspective right now) and show some understanding and acceptance. You ladies should not really be turning against each other, you all know who the real abuser was.

amy55

I need to do this first. I need to give the olive branch, (whatever that means). I need to let her yell, scream, rage, whatever.

I think I need to do this for both of our healings. I need her to trust me again.

amy