Nowsthetime

I'm going to sound like a broken record... I went back and read my post and the majority are about not having any support in my real life. I have had conversations with husband and friends and it's like talking to a wall. Friends... I really don't care about their opinion, but husband, that's another story.

He wants me to drink and it's making me resent him. Every time we have an argument I revert to the "I can't believe you don't support my sobriety". I have had lots of responses and good ideas on what to do. I know this is about me and what he says and does shouldn't matter but this is my hubby, my roommate and best friend.

I just want to vent. I have been allowing myself to have conversations with my AV, and now it has been fed and it's strong because my husband wants me to drink. Like i said, im starting to resent him and i feel like he is a moron and it makes me lose respect for him. I dont want that.

I'm so sorry for being monotonous, but I needed to vent. You would think everyone would support this wonderful decision... Nope, not in my case.

I'm starting to harbor really nasty feeling towards him and I see him as a moron...

Goodstart

Hi nowisthetime .... Few days back I also vented on similar topic... That my husband does not see my alcholism... My friends don't know abt it at all. Now that I think back I feel he does not see it as an issue because he never saw the amount I drink and he does not drink much....

I got tremendous advice from all and indeed we have to be selfish in this venture and not let anyone get us down even our AV.

Wishing you the very best.

Nonsensical

How is that working out for you?

It is not your husband's fault that he doesn't understand. Punishing him for not understanding is unlikely to produce any useful results. Try something else.

Congrats on keeping sober. You can do this!

ArtFriend

With all due respect, I disagree with this NS. It is his fault for not understanding and supporting her in her choice not to drink.

I am sorry you are going through this... is it possible to maybe get some counseling together??

Nowsthetime

Yes, I understand he doesn't get it, but then he should stay out of it and just support my decision. And yes, I am furious at him for it so I just keep bringing it up because I think that he should be happy about my decision. What's better than having a sober person around to drive? A wife that's present...

The main problem is that I'm starting to think he is a dumba$$ for "not getting it". As I have said before. He has seen some of my worst!

doggonecarl

Can you describe what perfect support from your husband would be?

Nonsensical

I agree with this part. I left support out of my previous remarks.

The OP (like everyone else) has every right to set boundaries. In this case to say to her husband, "Do not ever ask me to drink again". Perfectly reasonable.

Getting angry at a normie for not understanding is like getting angry at a Martian for not speaking English. I sense this frustration in the OP. I've been wrong before, but I thought it worth bringing up.

You keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I think I've heard of this before...

What does he say when you ask him why he isn't happy about your decision to be sober?

Nonsensical

Double Post

ArtFriend

You don't have to be an alcoholic to understand one. Many people do interventions on family members who are alcoholics because they KNOW it is dangerous and unhealthy. They themselves do not have to be addicts in order to support and care. So I don't think the normie argument holds here.

Nowsthetime

Perfect support would be not trying to convince me to drink, or that I wasn't that bad, or that we won't be at the same level. Perfect support would be not trying to get me to moderate. Perfect support would just be support. Do you think rolling his eyes at me when I say I'm an alcoholic is acceptable? I get to make that determination. Not him.

I don't even tell him not to drink. There's booze in our house and that doesn't bother me. I just want him to let me do my thing.

SparkleKitty

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect any of this from a life partner. But it may be too much to expect from him, now. What would happen if you accepted that he cannot give you the support you want?

Fly N Buy

I understand venting, do it myself on occasion but we learn to move past it and focus on the solution. That's of course is the rub.

No one can tell you how to interact with your husband - I stated before in one of your similar posts that it sounds like he doesn't want to lose his drinking buddy. Perhaps if your drinking he won't have to look at himself!??

Regardless - seek the help you need.
If you were a diabetic, would he push cupcakes on you all day??? Moron, selfish or fear driven his motivations are unknown to us.

What's your solution going to be??

Nonsensical

Well, that's pretty dang horrible. I can see why you're upset. That's not 'lack of support' that's outright undermining.

Still, if it's going to be fixed it needs to be talked out. His actions are incompatible with your goals. Someone's gotta budge, and it can't be you. Find a good time and place and get the conversation going.

Best of Luck on This!

kk1k5x

The normie argument for me, holds to an extent. For it was my family, my mother to be exact. She has seen me at my very worst time and time again, but after longer periods of sobriety or when I simply avoided drinking at home or coming home drunk (meaning I slept it off at a friend's house etc), her rhetoric went back to 'Well, one beer in a hot day is perfectly fine, I think'. This upset me a bit, because I couldn't believe it myself after what she had witnessed over the years.
It all changed when I actually took the time and explained to her that me (an alcoholic) and her (a normie) see alcohol in totally different ways. I count the sips, watch the clock so I'd have enough time to get more etc. She doesn't really care about alcohol. After I explained it, nowadays she asks whether it would be uncomfortable for me if she had a near-beer.
Same as we don't understand and sometimes found it difficult to accept how some people can moderate, vice versa the normie cares but might not understand the extent or true nature of the problem of the alcoholic. My mom can take it or leave it, nothing happens due to it, but for me it is an all or nothing type thing.

So maybe an explanation like this might help? It just helped me with a close family member, my 2 cents.

Nowsthetime

I don't know what I am going to try to do different. I will definitely try to stop bringing it up when we are arguing. At times he says it's good that I quit drinking but then when it comes time to drink, he always says something about it or before an event he always tells "just have one". I have had the conversation with him 1 million times already. How many conversations do I need to have?

Now the big question : what's going to happen when I except that he's not going to give me any support? I am going to be very unhappy And I will keep seeing him like an a hole, and that is going to deteriorate my marriage. I don't want to be married to a person I believe is an a hole ... That is why I need to do something now . Or maybe just stop caring about it? But caring is a feeling so It is hard to control . But, why do I have to hear it? Why doesn't everybody mind their own business and do their own thing. I feel like a light surrounded by moths!!!

SparkleKitty

I haven't ever been able to figure out how to change another person into what I would prefer they would be, and believe me I have tried everything, said everything. The only one I can control and change is me.

You both want each other to be different for your sake. It sounds like what you want from your husband is exactly the same thing he wants from you, which you don't like. Why would you expect him to change when you don't want to yourself?

My most successful relationships are ones where we both accept each other as-is, warts and all. That doesn't mean you can't or will never change. It means you respect each other's individual right to be the person they choose to be. And it usually means developing and enforcing good boundaries to protect ourselves from the behaviors and choices of others. If he starts harping on you to drink, you might have to learn to ignore him or walk away until he learns that doing so isn't going to get him anywhere and will lose him your company in the process. And if he never learns that, well...you might have some decisions to make.

But try boundaries before you do anything drastic. Not engaging in behavior that makes you nuts and gets you nowhere is a good first step.

Sasha4

I think you need his support.
However you also need to support him too.

I think that when you are in a relationship where you both drink (one to excess, the other normal) and one decides they are stopping it brings changes to your relationship.

I know in my relationships, a lot revolved around drinking.
Drinking was a way of spending time together and relaxing or having fun or even just socialising.
Meals out and sharing a bottle of wine.
Watching a film together with some beers.

Maybe he is scared the relationship will change in that you can't do what you have done for years and years.
I know for me, stopping drinking was a relief.
I completely changed my life. Good diet, early nights, spending time here.

My partner felt a bit bored at times as I didn't want to go out for a drink.
I'm sure he must have felt lonely at times as I often went to bed earlier if I wanted to get through another day drink free.
He would be on his own then, in front of the TV.
We didn't relax over a glass of wine anymore.
All the things 'normal couples' do.

I had to show him life could still be fun if I was not drinking?
I had to still participate in couple stuff.
Sometimes I feel had to put a brave face on and take part.
Most of the time, I didn't 't want to. But he wanted to and life together as a couple should not just be all about me.

Perhaps a chat about what he fears about you not drinking would help.
Then maybe some agreement that yes, life will, be different to the drinking days, but that won't mean it's going to be bad or unbearable. Just different.

Finding new things to do that are not heavily drink focused could alleviate his fears.
That's of course he has those fears?
But talking is the only way you can find out.

I wish you the best xx

ccam1973

Nowsthetime, you are doing great. That's a tough situation you are in.

My wife still drinks also, that part doesn't bother me; that's her choice just like not drinking anymore is my choice. In the beginning of my sobriety, she used to want me to drink again too. She had lost her drinking buddy and that's how we had been since we met some 18 years ago. I couldn't fault her for not understanding my need for change.

I had to keep on telling her I was making a change for me. After a while, she finally stopped wondering if I would drink again. Now she is accepting and probably wants to quit herself; although we don't have that conversation. She has to make that one for herself.

You can only control you. Personally, I would keep your guard up and keep telling your husband that this is your decision, end of story, you are not drinking anymore.

Stay strong, you can only control you... but your husband should respect your decision. He might not understand it, but he should respect it.

buk1000

Is there something he does that you continually try to get him to change? Like taking out the trash more? Or putting his dishes in the dishwasher? Maybe you can negotiate to stop asking him about something in return for him stopping to try to get you to drink.

Nowsthetime

Thank you all for responding. It makes me feel better to know that there are other people going through the same thing. I will live with it and I will use it to fuel my sobriety. I will take all the tips given and try to apply them. I don't want him to change. We still do everything we used to do... He is the one that has to accept that I am changing... And for the better...

I am not thinking about divorcing him, not at all. I don't know if that is how I made it sound earlier. He is wonderful in other ways but I believe this is an important part of my life...