Could you help me get my head on straight please?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Could you help me get my head on straight please?
I keep thinking that if I hadn't left to go and stay with my mum for a few weeks he wouldn't have started using.
AKA - it's my fault he started using.
Logically I KNOW this isn't true.
However it is what his family said, and somehow I seem to have taken it on board in my psyche.
I keep thinking 'if I had been a better wife' or 'if I had stuck closer by his side... ' etc etc 'then this wouldn't have happened'.
Please can anyone say anything to help remind me of the truth.
It's all feeling quite painful to me right now.
AKA - it's my fault he started using.
Logically I KNOW this isn't true.
However it is what his family said, and somehow I seem to have taken it on board in my psyche.
I keep thinking 'if I had been a better wife' or 'if I had stuck closer by his side... ' etc etc 'then this wouldn't have happened'.
Please can anyone say anything to help remind me of the truth.
It's all feeling quite painful to me right now.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Oh, for anyone who doesn't know, we are now separated.
I left because I believe he started using again (although he denies).
Above I am speaking about the first time he relapsed... I feel like it was somehow my fault (although logically I know it wasn't, it FEELS like it... and his family said it was because of me).
I left because I believe he started using again (although he denies).
Above I am speaking about the first time he relapsed... I feel like it was somehow my fault (although logically I know it wasn't, it FEELS like it... and his family said it was because of me).
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Carmen, you couldn't be there in attendance forever. You're giving yourself a power over his addiction that you don't have (or you would have 'fixed' this long ago). Who knows what the trigger was, but I suspect he used your absence to start using so you wouldn't find out, not for complicated psychological reasons.
Maybe if he'd been a better husband he would have thought of you before he made his choice. I'm sorry you're getting this pressure from his family.
Maybe if he'd been a better husband he would have thought of you before he made his choice. I'm sorry you're getting this pressure from his family.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 65
Carmen - this is HIS disease, he is sick, please remember that. My Alanon meeting this week was about the 3 Cs...we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. It was such a good reminder that we are powerless...yes.....powerless over the addict and really anyone else other than ourselves. Please don't doubt yourself. Please don't feel guilty. We all do it and feel the way you do, at times, but I think that is because of everything we've gone through while being with an addict. All of the lies, the manipulating, gaslighting....it's like we always tend to give someone we love the benefit of the doubt because we don't want the bad truth (they are using) to be true. And his family probably is still in denial so they want to blame SOMEONE...and you just happen to be the target. Please don't let them second guess what you know to be true.
Hugs to you!! Please stay strong and know what you know...what your gut tells you.
Hugs to you!! Please stay strong and know what you know...what your gut tells you.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Houston, tx
Posts: 32
So everyone knows I'm a dumb nurse. My ex'es parents blamed his addiction #1 on my occupation. Saying it's because of nurses like me (ie-if your break something decently enough, I will ask the doc for pain meds for you) that people get addicted in the first place. #2 that if me and him were fighting so much (gee if I had known it was just a silly drug addiction and not him cheating on me like I thought) he wouldn't have gotten so bad. Now we were together for almost a year when I found out. He's been addicted to pills for 12 years... Of course it was all my fault!!!
It is not your fault at all. I sometimes think, if I would have accepted his addiction, and practiced detachment and all the al-anon steps- he would still be in my life and not addicted to another substance. He also blamed every relapse he had on me. Oh well, you moved out and I didn't know how to deal, or you stressed me out. But I think, I was also stressed and didn't decide to start doing drugs.
One of the most famous quotes "he is an addict, and this is what addicts do"
Keep reading this forum, you will hear the same doubts from most people on this sight, but with enough education, you just come to know you didn't cause it and you can't control it. Hope my rambling helps
It is not your fault at all. I sometimes think, if I would have accepted his addiction, and practiced detachment and all the al-anon steps- he would still be in my life and not addicted to another substance. He also blamed every relapse he had on me. Oh well, you moved out and I didn't know how to deal, or you stressed me out. But I think, I was also stressed and didn't decide to start doing drugs.
One of the most famous quotes "he is an addict, and this is what addicts do"
Keep reading this forum, you will hear the same doubts from most people on this sight, but with enough education, you just come to know you didn't cause it and you can't control it. Hope my rambling helps
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he USED your leaving as an EXCUSE to use...and sadly, his enabler posse is buying his BS.
you retain the right to leave a relationship at any time. for reasons that make sense to YOU. it was never you job to be the Drug Police, to keep him from using, to stand guard. THAT IS HIS JOB. he just refused to put on his big boy panties.
you retain the right to leave a relationship at any time. for reasons that make sense to YOU. it was never you job to be the Drug Police, to keep him from using, to stand guard. THAT IS HIS JOB. he just refused to put on his big boy panties.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Stay strong, lady.
I've dealt with all manner of that kind of guilt-tripping denial from AH's family & friends, up to & including "Kicking him out isn't going to help him get a job & stay on his feet" and "He NEVER drank before he met you."
At first, it bothered me to no end. I wanted to confront these enablers about their completely skewed versions of things. I wanted to rail on them endlessly about how things really were.
But, what good could it possibly do? As much as it is NOT my fault that AH refused to stop drinking, or lying, or acting like a douchecanoe, it IS his fault. And his responsibility. And his burden to carry until he chooses to change his own life.
His actions were and are and will be his alone, with or without you.
I know that you know this. I also know how hard it is to want things to be different, so much that you'll take the blame for all the bad if you think it will make an iota of difference in your AH.
It won't.
Just know that you deserve a life in which you do not have to defend yourself against this kind of crap.
Believe you are worth conversations that are about YOU, and your life, and your desires and needs. Believe that this is not your fault, it is beyond your control, and that you deserve better than to think that you should be doing anything but what you're doing.
I've dealt with all manner of that kind of guilt-tripping denial from AH's family & friends, up to & including "Kicking him out isn't going to help him get a job & stay on his feet" and "He NEVER drank before he met you."
At first, it bothered me to no end. I wanted to confront these enablers about their completely skewed versions of things. I wanted to rail on them endlessly about how things really were.
But, what good could it possibly do? As much as it is NOT my fault that AH refused to stop drinking, or lying, or acting like a douchecanoe, it IS his fault. And his responsibility. And his burden to carry until he chooses to change his own life.
His actions were and are and will be his alone, with or without you.
I know that you know this. I also know how hard it is to want things to be different, so much that you'll take the blame for all the bad if you think it will make an iota of difference in your AH.
It won't.
Just know that you deserve a life in which you do not have to defend yourself against this kind of crap.
Believe you are worth conversations that are about YOU, and your life, and your desires and needs. Believe that this is not your fault, it is beyond your control, and that you deserve better than to think that you should be doing anything but what you're doing.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Thank you everybody.
Although I don't always reply right away, I read your replies and it helps keep me strong.
I blocked him on Facebook last night. I was not looking to be mean, he hasn't tried to contact me, it's for my benefit, as I found I kept looking at his profile, which was not healthy and was also ridiculous as nothing ever seemed to change.
He still has all the pics of us up, including our wedding day, as do I come to think of it, however I also have new, recent pics from my travels.
Anyway, I thought about it for a long time, as it felt like a last remaining sentimental connection to him. It felt sad to me to do that, however I have actually felt better ever since, knowing that I won't keep looking at it.
However today is his 40th birthday. That makes me really sad. I really did think we were going to grow old together.
Oh well, best laid plans huh!
Although I don't always reply right away, I read your replies and it helps keep me strong.
I blocked him on Facebook last night. I was not looking to be mean, he hasn't tried to contact me, it's for my benefit, as I found I kept looking at his profile, which was not healthy and was also ridiculous as nothing ever seemed to change.
He still has all the pics of us up, including our wedding day, as do I come to think of it, however I also have new, recent pics from my travels.
Anyway, I thought about it for a long time, as it felt like a last remaining sentimental connection to him. It felt sad to me to do that, however I have actually felt better ever since, knowing that I won't keep looking at it.
However today is his 40th birthday. That makes me really sad. I really did think we were going to grow old together.
Oh well, best laid plans huh!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
It feels weird not to be contacting him on such a milestone birthday.
However on my birthday last year he didn't contact me! Wait for it.... because he was using (I was staying at my mum's at that time).
Not that it's tit for tat, it just helps me to remember that part.
However on my birthday last year he didn't contact me! Wait for it.... because he was using (I was staying at my mum's at that time).
Not that it's tit for tat, it just helps me to remember that part.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by totfit 
Being "too good" is more likely to make him use than being a "bad wife". Really unless you are dosing him in his sleep you have absolutely nothing to do with it. It is ALL on him.
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