CarmenLove

Hey All,

I haven't posted in a while. These last few days have been really hard for me.

I am missing him.

I'm not sure how long it has been since I left, a couple of months I think. And probably about 3 weeks or a little more since last contact.

I have not been contacting him and it's as though he has disappeared, almost as though he never existed. IT'S REALLY WEIRD TO ME!

I don't like to admit this and sometimes I feel jealous when I read the posts about everyone else's XAH's reaching out to them, and mine never does (although in reality what would be the point unless he was really in recovery? And even then it would take so much time for me to every trust - if I could ever again... ) I just miss him.

My brain keeps remembering the times when things were good, and forgetting the last 8 months when things were very, very bad.

I got out early, I didn't stay for years like some do. I know I will be glad and right now I just don't seem to really 'feel' it yet...

Urgh, I don't know.

Sorry for being negative. I am still working on my life every day though, and feeling quietly positive about things I am lining up for my future. I am also still away in Europe, so that part feels good.

Nowiamawas1026

I am 100% with you. I have no advice, as I am in the same boat...but hopefully it will be comforting to know you've got someone else feeling the exact same way as you do.

I keep reminding myself of the things I do not miss. Him disappearing, me being OBSESSED, with his every move. I mean seriously. How in the hell did that happen, and why did it take over my entire life like it did. Things should be easy-this person is an addict, and I should have washed my hands of it all. The ever changing mood swings, I never knew what version I was gonna get, and for a while I blamed myself. I even told him, "if you could just let me know, I can suit my behaviors to your moods" I didn't say it like that, but basically. I don't miss getting angry everyday that he was sleeping or "not feeling well" and me sitting here, not going out, because he was over at my place, and instead having to cater my life around him.

Things got very very very bad. I knew there was marijuana on board as well as his suboxone, but his behavior was so unpredictable, that I suspect there was more going on than I knew.

I keep repeating to myself "not my circus- not my monkeys"

Just know that at this exact moment, you got solidarity in the fact that I feel that exact same way. But it's not enough for me to go back.

mnh1982

I have found that it's when things are actually going WELL for me that I miss my AH the most, because I married him believing that the good times were all that lay ahead for us. Who DOESN'T want to share all the best parts of life with their "person"?

That being said, ENJOY YOURSELF. You are just as much allowed to be happy, carefree & joyful as you are sad, a little lonely, or upset. These two things are not always separate, so you must deal with them each as they come.

You are still in the early stages. I would say to you to move through each moment fully. Don't cut anything short or try to force yourself from a sad moment into a false happiness.

Whatever you're feeling, allow yourself to sit back & take full time to feel it. Then go about your day. Treat your emotional state as a museum, of sorts: you are having feelings and thoughts about your husband, who such as he was, is now a part of your past, but in order to move past something first we must look at it for what it is, allow it to say what it has to say, and accept it for what it WAS.

Treat the sad moments like a museum display, read their little notecards about your PAST, and treat your happy moments like a farmer's market: full of little free samples of delicious things, cool crafts & beautiful art that, if you allow yourself to indulge, you are more than free to buy & have for yourself.

CarmenLove

Hey,

So something happened tonight that made me feel a ton better.

Nowaima and Mnh, this one is for you!!

The friends of the family who I am staying with run a small B&B in France and sometimes offer evening meals. This evening they had a last minute booking for an evening meal and I offered to help them serve it.

So when the people turned up for the meal they just happened to be a bunch of really lovely young French guys. They are racing bike drivers - there is a race track near here and they are racing tomorrow.

Not only were they really polite, but they were SERIOUSLY HOT too! And none of them were drinking alcohol as they were driving in the race tomorrow - bonus!

The icing on the cake was that a couple of them were certainly paying me a lot of attention, smiling my way a lot, etc. One in particular.

Nothing more than that happened, and I don't feel in any way ready for any kind of anything with a man right now. However it still made me feel good.

I think I had forgotten that there are actual real men, decent, handsome ones, who are not addicts and who would be interested in me.

It felt nice to be reminded :-)

It certainly lifted my evening.

Hope it might inspire you too.

And thanks for the supportive comments also ladies. x

CarmenLove

Wow! I love this mnh.

How poetic! :-) I will try that.