The shame theory
Guest
Posts: n/a
The shame theory
Shame: feeling ashamed of yourself has to be depressing.
A critical problem with several previous theories is that the origin of the depression is not clear, i.e. where exactly does the helplessness, the negative views, the irrational ideas, the faulty thinking, the self-criticism, the low self-esteem, etc., come from? The shame theory can not be faulted in this way; it identifies the origin as early childhood experiences. Shame is feeling you are inadequate, inferior, lacking, not good enough, "ashamed of myself." In contrast with fear which involves external threats, shame is when we feel disappointed about something inside us, our basic nature. Shame is an inner torment: feeling cowardice, stupid, unloved, worthless, "a bad person." We hide in shame, i.e. we "hang," turn, or cover our heads, we lower our eyes, we isolate ourselves. (There is a related dimension--shyness or bashfulness--but here we are dealing with self-loathing or feeling ashamed of oneself.)
The great concern with addictions in the last 15-20 years has resulted in a new body of literature about the dysfunctional family, toxic parents, the inner child, codependency, adult children of alcoholics, support groups, etc. There are 100's of relevant books: Kaufman (1989, 1992), Bradshaw (1988, 1989), and Beattie (1989).
The origin of shame is usually assumed to be in our infancy or childhood. Shaming is used for control by parents, by friends, by society. Some of the most hurtful discipline consists of shaming comments: "shame on you," "you embarrass me," "you really disappoint me when...." We say insulting things to children that we would never say to an adult: "stupid," "clumsy," "selfish," "sissy," "fatty," "it's all your fault," "you're terrible," "you're hateful," "stuck up," etc. Many adults vividly remember the sting of these comments. Siblings and peers are cruel: mocking, laughing at, teasing, calling names, etc. Children are slapped and whipped, overpowered and humiliated, their "will" broken. All of this may make a child feel ashamed (depressed) of him/herself.
Even in adolescence we feel watched and judged (mistrusted); we are "shamed into" giving up crying and touching; we are looked down upon if we aren't successful, attractive, independent, and popular. We feel ashamed if we are poor and dress poorly, if we are over or under weight, if we can't express ourselves well or use poor grammar, if our grades are low, if we have few friends, etc. Some shame and anxiety may serve useful purposes, but it can be devastating.
There is some data to support the shame-based theories. Andrews (1995) found that "deep shame," not just dissatisfaction, in women about their bodies (usually breasts, buttocks, stomach or legs) was powerfully related to suffering severe depression. If a female is physically or sexually abused as a child or as an adult, it increases the likelihood of depression four or five times! Only childhood abuse caused shame about the body in women, however. See Lisak (1995) for an impactful discussion of the effects of childhood abuse on males.
The memories of our past--our childhood and adolescence--form our identity or our basic sense of self. Because we have shame-based families and cultures, shame gets connected with many things, such as our basic drives, interpersonal needs, feelings, and life purposes. Examples: much shame is attached to sexual drives (witness the uneasiness we feel about masturbation, not to mention homosexuality) and to hunger drives (witness the feeding problems of infants, the fights over food with children, and the eating disorders of young people). We are deeply hurt and made ashamed of our needs for closeness and security whenever a basic bond is broken by rejection, abuse, neglect, divorce, or smothering overprotection and overcontrol. Sometimes shame is connected with our bodies, our lack of competence, our life goals (witness others' reaction to someone wanting to be a popular singer or a girl wanting to be a mechanic or a boy wanting to be a nurse). Also, emotion-shame connections ("Don't cry!" or "Don't feel that way!" or "Stop sniffling or I'll spank you") are made and we become ashamed of crying, anger, fear, self-centeredness, even joy sometimes. And, in extreme cases, you can become ashamed of everything you are--of your entire self--"I am worthless." Shame is a powerful force but we can understand and overcome some of its sources.
There seem to be several natural defenses used against self-attacking shame:
Striking out at others. Attacking others by being critical, sarcastic, or abusive are ways to repair a wounded ego and to protect our vulnerable weak parts from exposure. Acting superior and having contempt for others are other ways to sooth a hurting self.
Striving for power and being perfect. The wish of a child would be to make up for our weaknesses by becoming powerful and being perfect.
Blaming others. What better way to deny our weaknesses than to blame others for our problems or for the world's problems?
Being an overly nice people-pleaser or rescuer or self-sacrificing martyr. If you feel unworthy, your hope might be to compensate for it by being "real good." Being super nice often means pretending or lying about our feelings and true opinions, presumably because we are ashamed of our real selves.
The self can withdraw so deeply or shut off the outside world so completely (denial) that shameful actions or events just don't upset our self, in this way the self can't be hurt.
Obviously, a person feeling shame but using these defenses would inflict shame on others; that is, wounds of shame are passed from parent to child. This is done by parents in a variety of ways: (a) verbal, sexual and physical abuse, (b) physical and emotional abandonment (the child may even be expected to take care of the parent's emotional needs), (c) thinking of children as insignificant inferiors to be dominated and blamed or as persons to be controlled by threats of rage, disapproval, and withdrawal of love or as persons to be taken care of excessively, and not told the truth because they are needy, fragile, and "can't understand" or as persons to stay emotionally enmeshed with because they are perfect, wonderful, can meet your needs, and may be the only ones that care for us. So, shame begets shame.
What are the consequences of a shame-oriented family? Self-blame and criticism (like Sooty Sarah). Constantly comparing yourself with others and coming up short. Depression--we may dislike and disown parts of our self and even feel disdain for our self as a whole. The shamed person may engage in compulsive disorders--physical and sexual abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, anorexia-bulimia and obesity, workaholism, sex addictions, addictions to certain feelings (rage, being shamed and rejected), intellectualization, anti-social acting out, and other personality problems, including multiple personality. The list is long. Some of these "sick" behaviors, like addictions, help us hide our shame; some, like workaholism, try to make up for our weaknesses; some, like abuse, adopt the harmful behavior that was imposed on us; some, like criminal acts, reflect fear and hatred of the shaming techniques used against us. Shame operates inside all of us...it is a voice inside our head. The voice usually sounds like our parent. Sometimes the voice of shame is healthy and helpful; sometimes it is unhealthy and self-defeating. Nathanson (1995) should help you understand this complex emotion.
Shame-based families often have unspoken but well understood "rules," such as: Don't have feelings or, at least, don't talk about them. Don't try to make things better--leave the family problems alone. Don't be who you really are; don't be frank and explicit; always manipulate others and pretend to be something different, such as something good, unselfish, and in control. Always take care of others, don't be selfish and upset others, and don't have fun. Don't get close to people, they won't like you if they know the truth. Rules such as this keep you weak, hopeless, immature, hurting, and unhealthy--depressed and maybe addicted as well.
A critical problem with several previous theories is that the origin of the depression is not clear, i.e. where exactly does the helplessness, the negative views, the irrational ideas, the faulty thinking, the self-criticism, the low self-esteem, etc., come from? The shame theory can not be faulted in this way; it identifies the origin as early childhood experiences. Shame is feeling you are inadequate, inferior, lacking, not good enough, "ashamed of myself." In contrast with fear which involves external threats, shame is when we feel disappointed about something inside us, our basic nature. Shame is an inner torment: feeling cowardice, stupid, unloved, worthless, "a bad person." We hide in shame, i.e. we "hang," turn, or cover our heads, we lower our eyes, we isolate ourselves. (There is a related dimension--shyness or bashfulness--but here we are dealing with self-loathing or feeling ashamed of oneself.)
The great concern with addictions in the last 15-20 years has resulted in a new body of literature about the dysfunctional family, toxic parents, the inner child, codependency, adult children of alcoholics, support groups, etc. There are 100's of relevant books: Kaufman (1989, 1992), Bradshaw (1988, 1989), and Beattie (1989).
The origin of shame is usually assumed to be in our infancy or childhood. Shaming is used for control by parents, by friends, by society. Some of the most hurtful discipline consists of shaming comments: "shame on you," "you embarrass me," "you really disappoint me when...." We say insulting things to children that we would never say to an adult: "stupid," "clumsy," "selfish," "sissy," "fatty," "it's all your fault," "you're terrible," "you're hateful," "stuck up," etc. Many adults vividly remember the sting of these comments. Siblings and peers are cruel: mocking, laughing at, teasing, calling names, etc. Children are slapped and whipped, overpowered and humiliated, their "will" broken. All of this may make a child feel ashamed (depressed) of him/herself.
Even in adolescence we feel watched and judged (mistrusted); we are "shamed into" giving up crying and touching; we are looked down upon if we aren't successful, attractive, independent, and popular. We feel ashamed if we are poor and dress poorly, if we are over or under weight, if we can't express ourselves well or use poor grammar, if our grades are low, if we have few friends, etc. Some shame and anxiety may serve useful purposes, but it can be devastating.
There is some data to support the shame-based theories. Andrews (1995) found that "deep shame," not just dissatisfaction, in women about their bodies (usually breasts, buttocks, stomach or legs) was powerfully related to suffering severe depression. If a female is physically or sexually abused as a child or as an adult, it increases the likelihood of depression four or five times! Only childhood abuse caused shame about the body in women, however. See Lisak (1995) for an impactful discussion of the effects of childhood abuse on males.
The memories of our past--our childhood and adolescence--form our identity or our basic sense of self. Because we have shame-based families and cultures, shame gets connected with many things, such as our basic drives, interpersonal needs, feelings, and life purposes. Examples: much shame is attached to sexual drives (witness the uneasiness we feel about masturbation, not to mention homosexuality) and to hunger drives (witness the feeding problems of infants, the fights over food with children, and the eating disorders of young people). We are deeply hurt and made ashamed of our needs for closeness and security whenever a basic bond is broken by rejection, abuse, neglect, divorce, or smothering overprotection and overcontrol. Sometimes shame is connected with our bodies, our lack of competence, our life goals (witness others' reaction to someone wanting to be a popular singer or a girl wanting to be a mechanic or a boy wanting to be a nurse). Also, emotion-shame connections ("Don't cry!" or "Don't feel that way!" or "Stop sniffling or I'll spank you") are made and we become ashamed of crying, anger, fear, self-centeredness, even joy sometimes. And, in extreme cases, you can become ashamed of everything you are--of your entire self--"I am worthless." Shame is a powerful force but we can understand and overcome some of its sources.
There seem to be several natural defenses used against self-attacking shame:
Striking out at others. Attacking others by being critical, sarcastic, or abusive are ways to repair a wounded ego and to protect our vulnerable weak parts from exposure. Acting superior and having contempt for others are other ways to sooth a hurting self.
Striving for power and being perfect. The wish of a child would be to make up for our weaknesses by becoming powerful and being perfect.
Blaming others. What better way to deny our weaknesses than to blame others for our problems or for the world's problems?
Being an overly nice people-pleaser or rescuer or self-sacrificing martyr. If you feel unworthy, your hope might be to compensate for it by being "real good." Being super nice often means pretending or lying about our feelings and true opinions, presumably because we are ashamed of our real selves.
The self can withdraw so deeply or shut off the outside world so completely (denial) that shameful actions or events just don't upset our self, in this way the self can't be hurt.
Obviously, a person feeling shame but using these defenses would inflict shame on others; that is, wounds of shame are passed from parent to child. This is done by parents in a variety of ways: (a) verbal, sexual and physical abuse, (b) physical and emotional abandonment (the child may even be expected to take care of the parent's emotional needs), (c) thinking of children as insignificant inferiors to be dominated and blamed or as persons to be controlled by threats of rage, disapproval, and withdrawal of love or as persons to be taken care of excessively, and not told the truth because they are needy, fragile, and "can't understand" or as persons to stay emotionally enmeshed with because they are perfect, wonderful, can meet your needs, and may be the only ones that care for us. So, shame begets shame.
What are the consequences of a shame-oriented family? Self-blame and criticism (like Sooty Sarah). Constantly comparing yourself with others and coming up short. Depression--we may dislike and disown parts of our self and even feel disdain for our self as a whole. The shamed person may engage in compulsive disorders--physical and sexual abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, anorexia-bulimia and obesity, workaholism, sex addictions, addictions to certain feelings (rage, being shamed and rejected), intellectualization, anti-social acting out, and other personality problems, including multiple personality. The list is long. Some of these "sick" behaviors, like addictions, help us hide our shame; some, like workaholism, try to make up for our weaknesses; some, like abuse, adopt the harmful behavior that was imposed on us; some, like criminal acts, reflect fear and hatred of the shaming techniques used against us. Shame operates inside all of us...it is a voice inside our head. The voice usually sounds like our parent. Sometimes the voice of shame is healthy and helpful; sometimes it is unhealthy and self-defeating. Nathanson (1995) should help you understand this complex emotion.
Shame-based families often have unspoken but well understood "rules," such as: Don't have feelings or, at least, don't talk about them. Don't try to make things better--leave the family problems alone. Don't be who you really are; don't be frank and explicit; always manipulate others and pretend to be something different, such as something good, unselfish, and in control. Always take care of others, don't be selfish and upset others, and don't have fun. Don't get close to people, they won't like you if they know the truth. Rules such as this keep you weak, hopeless, immature, hurting, and unhealthy--depressed and maybe addicted as well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Dallas,TX
Posts: 39
did I happen on this thread my chance...or not?..I happened to be working on dealing with this VERY issue(SHAME) earlier today..THANK-YOU MG!!!!..I'm new at "healing those childhood wounds"...my relationship that I have with my OWN self.is damaged..my relationship with my own self..is toxic...I repeated the "cycle" of shame with my own self..."shaming myself" became my own TRUTH...I understood...how I was "shamed" in my childhood..I understood....how I got those "negative" messages...I just never understood...that I internalized them so deeply..that that is I what I was using as a foundation...for my own relationship with myself...
today I allowed myself to feel..what I was feeling...today is the FIRST time..that I treated myself compassionately(instead of shaming)...today is the first time..that I told my OWN self..what I always wanted to hear from my parents and GOD..
today I told myself...
I"m sorry that you have been hurt...I'm sorry for hurting you...I know how much you are hurting
It is not your fault...you didn't do anything wrong....it was never your fault then..and it isn't your fault now
You are perfect...you always have been...and you always will be...
You are beautiful..and you deserve to be loved..and you are loved..just the way you are
You are worthy..you always have been..and you always will be...
There is nothing wrong with you..there never has been..and there never will be
You are lovable..you always have been...and you always will be...
It is not your fault..that the people around you...did not know how to show you their love....
It is time to stop being angry at myself...it is time to stop being angry at that "child"..it is time to start releasing the blame that was put on "her"..it is time to start loving "talia"...it is time to start loving the "child" that she was...it is time to allow herself to be loved by GOD...it is time to allow to allow myself to be loved by people that know how to love me...
IT IS TIME TO STOP THE CYCLE OF SHAME.....
I am 47 years old..it is the first time...I didn't let the "cycle" to continue..I have spent most of my life unhappy...and I can't live that way...I want to do more than just survive..I've been doing that..but I don't want the pain...of "just" surviving...I want to feel JOY..HAPPINESS...LOVE...AND ALL GOOD THINGS...that are a part of life....not just sadness,depression,isolation,fear,shame,guilt,desp eration,anger,frustration,loneliness...
thank-you for letting me share..I would like to hear from others..and how they have stopped the "shame" in their own lifes..I have just begun to really address this issue...and any and all help..of sharing..would be appreciated...because I know...I will have to keep on healing this wound that came from "shame"...I'm sure that what I did today..will have to be done many times over...
again...thanks MG... hope many will read your post...because knowledge is where it first starts..
today I allowed myself to feel..what I was feeling...today is the FIRST time..that I treated myself compassionately(instead of shaming)...today is the first time..that I told my OWN self..what I always wanted to hear from my parents and GOD..
today I told myself...
I"m sorry that you have been hurt...I'm sorry for hurting you...I know how much you are hurting
It is not your fault...you didn't do anything wrong....it was never your fault then..and it isn't your fault now
You are perfect...you always have been...and you always will be...
You are beautiful..and you deserve to be loved..and you are loved..just the way you are
You are worthy..you always have been..and you always will be...
There is nothing wrong with you..there never has been..and there never will be
You are lovable..you always have been...and you always will be...
It is not your fault..that the people around you...did not know how to show you their love....
It is time to stop being angry at myself...it is time to stop being angry at that "child"..it is time to start releasing the blame that was put on "her"..it is time to start loving "talia"...it is time to start loving the "child" that she was...it is time to allow herself to be loved by GOD...it is time to allow to allow myself to be loved by people that know how to love me...
IT IS TIME TO STOP THE CYCLE OF SHAME.....
I am 47 years old..it is the first time...I didn't let the "cycle" to continue..I have spent most of my life unhappy...and I can't live that way...I want to do more than just survive..I've been doing that..but I don't want the pain...of "just" surviving...I want to feel JOY..HAPPINESS...LOVE...AND ALL GOOD THINGS...that are a part of life....not just sadness,depression,isolation,fear,shame,guilt,desp eration,anger,frustration,loneliness...
thank-you for letting me share..I would like to hear from others..and how they have stopped the "shame" in their own lifes..I have just begun to really address this issue...and any and all help..of sharing..would be appreciated...because I know...I will have to keep on healing this wound that came from "shame"...I'm sure that what I did today..will have to be done many times over...
again...thanks MG... hope many will read your post...because knowledge is where it first starts..
Guest
Posts: n/a
talia,
I'm so glad this helped. I can still remember the very first time I showed myself any self acceptance. Now it hits me with light bulb moments in the huge areas I still don't accept.
Our thoughts about ourselves are so ingrained that we can't even put what we're doing into words. That's what makes it so hard to fix. It's hard to see what we're doing.
We just have to keep on walking until we see it.
Hugs,
MG
I'm so glad this helped. I can still remember the very first time I showed myself any self acceptance. Now it hits me with light bulb moments in the huge areas I still don't accept.
Our thoughts about ourselves are so ingrained that we can't even put what we're doing into words. That's what makes it so hard to fix. It's hard to see what we're doing.
We just have to keep on walking until we see it.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 2
Thanks for enlightening me on wat Shame is all about
MG, I am thankful for ur informative post. At 36, I am going to start life anew. Your post has opened up my eyes to how I hv been treating those ard me. I am now a parent of three v good children, but all these while, I only see their faults. I wanted them to b perfect but I did not consider their feelings in many instances. My middle child has the sweetest disposition, but easily my best target for shame on the most trivial issues. For that, I m truly sorry. I want to give myself the chance to heal from my bitter past so that I can b a worthy parent. God, help me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
