This past week
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
This past week
I don't even know how to describe this past week. Efforts were made by both myself and hubby to not drink.
There were some blips on the radar, including him saying on Thursday, I'm having a vodka tonic and I joined him.
We went out last night to dinner and he had a couple of beers and I had a couple of wines.
He came home and poured a vodka, and I opened a bottle of wine that I had prior to our deal to cut way back.
He was angry and went to bed.
He wants me to stop drinking because I am overweight. I want to for my overall health.
He went so far as to criticize me for drinking Gatorade this week because of the calories, which by the way were 45 cal per bottle.
This morning he said he was disappointed and I asked him why. He said he didn't know there was wine in the house. I said, well, there was. It's not my fault he didn't know it was there. I wasn't hiding it.
He emptied the bottle this morning. I asked, are you going to throw out all of the Gatorade too? Oh and how about your vodka and beer?
I was then the recipient of being told he is embarrassed to be seen with me, I look like I am pregnant, I'm an alcoholic, oh, and one of the sweetest...at the top of his lungs..."YOU ARE A FAT F###!!!"
He is in the garage reading. I am in my office. I leave tomorrow for business for two days. For all I know he will be gone when I get back. We have been married for 22 years.
His perception is I am not doing everything I can to lose weight for him.
My perception is I could be a stage 4 alcoholic and that would be fine with him, as long as I was thin.
I feel if he really cared about my struggle with alcohol, I could be eating moon pies all day as long as I wasn't drinking.
For the record...I am 5'5", 51, in menopause and weight 180 lbs.
I'm sorry, I know this is not the marriage counseling page. I am not sure where to go with this.
Do I want to stop drinking? Not really, but I know I can't manage it. Me and my older sisters are on a trajectory for an early death because of how it affects our health. HPB, belly fat, increased cancer risks, and the like. My parents deaths were accelerated by booze.
I want to be strong enough to stop the chain. I did so 13 years ago with quitting smoking, as I felt that was going to be my end.
Now it seems as though drinking has stepped right up the plate.
I'm going to read more on the AVRT page, I guess and look at my list of reasons again. Or re-write them. They can't be anything about a man who calls me a FAT F### on a Sunday morning.
PJane.
There were some blips on the radar, including him saying on Thursday, I'm having a vodka tonic and I joined him.
We went out last night to dinner and he had a couple of beers and I had a couple of wines.
He came home and poured a vodka, and I opened a bottle of wine that I had prior to our deal to cut way back.
He was angry and went to bed.
He wants me to stop drinking because I am overweight. I want to for my overall health.
He went so far as to criticize me for drinking Gatorade this week because of the calories, which by the way were 45 cal per bottle.
This morning he said he was disappointed and I asked him why. He said he didn't know there was wine in the house. I said, well, there was. It's not my fault he didn't know it was there. I wasn't hiding it.
He emptied the bottle this morning. I asked, are you going to throw out all of the Gatorade too? Oh and how about your vodka and beer?
I was then the recipient of being told he is embarrassed to be seen with me, I look like I am pregnant, I'm an alcoholic, oh, and one of the sweetest...at the top of his lungs..."YOU ARE A FAT F###!!!"
He is in the garage reading. I am in my office. I leave tomorrow for business for two days. For all I know he will be gone when I get back. We have been married for 22 years.
His perception is I am not doing everything I can to lose weight for him.
My perception is I could be a stage 4 alcoholic and that would be fine with him, as long as I was thin.
I feel if he really cared about my struggle with alcohol, I could be eating moon pies all day as long as I wasn't drinking.
For the record...I am 5'5", 51, in menopause and weight 180 lbs.
I'm sorry, I know this is not the marriage counseling page. I am not sure where to go with this.
Do I want to stop drinking? Not really, but I know I can't manage it. Me and my older sisters are on a trajectory for an early death because of how it affects our health. HPB, belly fat, increased cancer risks, and the like. My parents deaths were accelerated by booze.
I want to be strong enough to stop the chain. I did so 13 years ago with quitting smoking, as I felt that was going to be my end.
Now it seems as though drinking has stepped right up the plate.
I'm going to read more on the AVRT page, I guess and look at my list of reasons again. Or re-write them. They can't be anything about a man who calls me a FAT F### on a Sunday morning.
PJane.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by PJane 
He wants me to stop drinking because I am overweight. I want to for my overall health
His perception is I am not doing everything I can to lose weight for him.
Jane.
You deserve to be sober for health reasons and whether or not you loose weight he sounds like someone who will find something else to
bitch and moan about.you mentioned quitting smoking, that's great! How did you apply That to your life and is there any way you can apply it to quitting drinking? I like your plan of action to rewrite about your av . maybe if it wasnt, successful last time you can add another tool to use.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 35
PJ I am so sorry you are going through this.
Don't you think it is time you get a little bit selfish.
Think about you. What do you want for your future.
Giving up alcohol has opened up new energy for long peaceful walks that is helping me loose some weight. Slowly and steady. And I have the time to relax and think of how I want to plan my future.
The alcohol only masks the issue until the next morning. And adds the hangover to make it worse so you hit the bottle again that evening.
That is how it was for me anyway.
Good luck and hope you decide yo join us.
I have been so happy on this side of sober.
Don't you think it is time you get a little bit selfish.
Think about you. What do you want for your future.
Giving up alcohol has opened up new energy for long peaceful walks that is helping me loose some weight. Slowly and steady. And I have the time to relax and think of how I want to plan my future.
The alcohol only masks the issue until the next morning. And adds the hangover to make it worse so you hit the bottle again that evening.
That is how it was for me anyway.
Good luck and hope you decide yo join us.
I have been so happy on this side of sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
THANK YOU Greens, you are exactly right. I don't want to validate my drinking.
I have spent 22 years and the majority of what I have done is not good enough. It may be time for "me", which may permanently wedge "us."
I reviewed my list, it is all about me. YAY. Here it is:
Goodbye:
Acid Reflux
Hangovers
Fog Brain
Increased Risk of Cancer
Hello:
Mental Clarity
Healthier Life and Weight
Increased Ability to Attain Fitness Goals
Living Longer and Healthier
There is more I am sure. But it is a start.
I have spent 22 years and the majority of what I have done is not good enough. It may be time for "me", which may permanently wedge "us."
I reviewed my list, it is all about me. YAY. Here it is:
Goodbye:
Acid Reflux
Hangovers
Fog Brain
Increased Risk of Cancer
Hello:
Mental Clarity
Healthier Life and Weight
Increased Ability to Attain Fitness Goals
Living Longer and Healthier
There is more I am sure. But it is a start.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
Thanks, GettingSmarter.
I hope I can get smarter too. What a process this is! Simple but not easy, and exhausting. I appreciate your support and the reminder that AVRT is a workable option.
Greens, I remember when I quit smoking there was a lot about the AV (we called it the NicoDemon). The idea of bringing on that battle is emotionally exhausting to me as so much of my energy is in a bad place right now.
I hope I can get smarter too. What a process this is! Simple but not easy, and exhausting. I appreciate your support and the reminder that AVRT is a workable option.
Greens, I remember when I quit smoking there was a lot about the AV (we called it the NicoDemon). The idea of bringing on that battle is emotionally exhausting to me as so much of my energy is in a bad place right now.
Catch and Release
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Crazy Canuck
Posts: 441
Hi Jane:
I think your husband is acting like an immature child calling you names like that.
I'm very similar in age and height as you. Last year, my worst period of drinking, I gained a lot of weight and was bloated, red faced and had issues with high BP (as well as anxiety) - the entire list of things that go along with too much drinking.
Since quitting, that laundry list has decreased. I'm not at the weight I want to be, but it's going down and I'm not dieting. I don't drink pop or any sugary drinkings. My choice of beverage is club soda with lime. The occasional tea in the evening and coffee in the morning. The only sweet I consume is chocolate (that is something I'm going to work on later). The bloat is gone and I've lost maybe 10 pounds - not sure, but my clothes are looser. I no longer look like a sausage casing in my "fat" clothes.
You say you are not sure if you want to quit drinking? Well, if you are ambivalent about that, then I don't think you will have much success. If you quit - quit for yourself NOT for anyone else. It's not easy, but it does have huge rewards.
I'm starting to get back my pretty face and I like my reflection in the mirror again. I think I look not bad for an old gal. This would never have happened had I kept drinking...NOPE. That ugly hag that was staring back at me last year would have taken over. I did this for me. BTW - I left my marriage (28 years).
You are stronger than you think.
CF
I think your husband is acting like an immature child calling you names like that.
I'm very similar in age and height as you. Last year, my worst period of drinking, I gained a lot of weight and was bloated, red faced and had issues with high BP (as well as anxiety) - the entire list of things that go along with too much drinking.
Since quitting, that laundry list has decreased. I'm not at the weight I want to be, but it's going down and I'm not dieting. I don't drink pop or any sugary drinkings. My choice of beverage is club soda with lime. The occasional tea in the evening and coffee in the morning. The only sweet I consume is chocolate (that is something I'm going to work on later). The bloat is gone and I've lost maybe 10 pounds - not sure, but my clothes are looser. I no longer look like a sausage casing in my "fat" clothes.
You say you are not sure if you want to quit drinking? Well, if you are ambivalent about that, then I don't think you will have much success. If you quit - quit for yourself NOT for anyone else. It's not easy, but it does have huge rewards.
I'm starting to get back my pretty face and I like my reflection in the mirror again. I think I look not bad for an old gal. This would never have happened had I kept drinking...NOPE. That ugly hag that was staring back at me last year would have taken over. I did this for me. BTW - I left my marriage (28 years).
You are stronger than you think.
CF
Catch and Release
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Crazy Canuck
Posts: 441
Originally Posted by PJane
Thanks, CF. It is a lot to consider. Building a new life without someone I have built a life with.
You are right, of course. Ambivalence won't work. I know that. We are all smart here.
Thank you.
You are right, of course. Ambivalence won't work. I know that. We are all smart here.
Thank you.
I'm not suggesting you leave your marriage. I'm just telling you that doing something out of our comfort zone, while difficult, won't kill you.
CF
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Thank you for sharing PJane. 
Within my 25 yr marriage this is
what happened to me.....
I entered recovery about 8 yrs within
the marriage with 2 little ones 4 and 6.
Family intervened on me sending me
into rehab were I decided to stay 28 days
and not just 2 weeks.
I completed my 28 days learning about
my addiction and receiving a program of
recovery to live my life by a day at a time
without drinking.
I worked my program as suggested while
raising my little family all to the best of my
ability even tho I was restless, irritable and
discontent in my marriage.
As a an at home mom and wife, we tried
close to the end to save the marriage, but
I really wanted to be free but wasn't sure
how to return back to my hometown with
a job to support myself.
Sooooo, I did the footwork reaching back
to my teller position in a bank and filled out
applications online all the while I was working
my recovery program. I also put my faith in
my HP- Higher Power of my understanding
for guidance and strength.
Sure enough, after the kids were in college,
I got an invite for an interview back here in
Baton Rouge for a teller position in a bank.
My husband was surprised but was willing
to come home with me for the interview which
I did get the job and had a few weeks to return
to get my stuff, get an apt all before I was to
begin training.
Both my husband and I knew this was
it with our marriage and we could finally
find happiness on both sides with this
divorce.
The marriage ended very peacefully and
we both have remarried where there is
no communication between us any longer.
I married during my drinking career
and all I wanted to do was be married,
be a stay at home mom and have children.
That wish came true for me.
In recovery I learned to put my life
into the hands of my HP and remain
sober by living a recovery program
which I did.
All I know is....My HP could and would
if He was sought. and He did and Im blessed
and 24 yrs sober.
It was suggested to me to learn a recovery
program first to stay sober before tackling
on the next issue in my life. Even if it was a
struggling marriage or eating or work problems.
In doing so I have been taken care in all
areas of my life. You will be too.
Within my 25 yr marriage this is
what happened to me.....
I entered recovery about 8 yrs within
the marriage with 2 little ones 4 and 6.
Family intervened on me sending me
into rehab were I decided to stay 28 days
and not just 2 weeks.
I completed my 28 days learning about
my addiction and receiving a program of
recovery to live my life by a day at a time
without drinking.
I worked my program as suggested while
raising my little family all to the best of my
ability even tho I was restless, irritable and
discontent in my marriage.
As a an at home mom and wife, we tried
close to the end to save the marriage, but
I really wanted to be free but wasn't sure
how to return back to my hometown with
a job to support myself.
Sooooo, I did the footwork reaching back
to my teller position in a bank and filled out
applications online all the while I was working
my recovery program. I also put my faith in
my HP- Higher Power of my understanding
for guidance and strength.
Sure enough, after the kids were in college,
I got an invite for an interview back here in
Baton Rouge for a teller position in a bank.
My husband was surprised but was willing
to come home with me for the interview which
I did get the job and had a few weeks to return
to get my stuff, get an apt all before I was to
begin training.
Both my husband and I knew this was
it with our marriage and we could finally
find happiness on both sides with this
divorce.
The marriage ended very peacefully and
we both have remarried where there is
no communication between us any longer.
I married during my drinking career
and all I wanted to do was be married,
be a stay at home mom and have children.
That wish came true for me.
In recovery I learned to put my life
into the hands of my HP and remain
sober by living a recovery program
which I did.
All I know is....My HP could and would
if He was sought. and He did and Im blessed
and 24 yrs sober.
It was suggested to me to learn a recovery
program first to stay sober before tackling
on the next issue in my life. Even if it was a
struggling marriage or eating or work problems.
In doing so I have been taken care in all
areas of my life. You will be too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Jane,
For me it was all about the actions to make Sobriety work, "efforts were made" but you guys still have alcohol in your house, or went out to buy some, you also went out to dinner where alcohol would be flowing and the temptation very great.
I needed for the first few weeks to dig myself in and simply resist all activities that involved coming into contact with alcohol, there will be plenty of time for nights out once Sobriety has been cracked, but the priority needs to be Sobriety to make it work!!
You can do this!!
For me it was all about the actions to make Sobriety work, "efforts were made" but you guys still have alcohol in your house, or went out to buy some, you also went out to dinner where alcohol would be flowing and the temptation very great.
I needed for the first few weeks to dig myself in and simply resist all activities that involved coming into contact with alcohol, there will be plenty of time for nights out once Sobriety has been cracked, but the priority needs to be Sobriety to make it work!!
You can do this!!
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