MsGrace

My fiance' has a 9 year old boy. The boy's mother is a very active debilitated alcoholic. She won the fight in court to move this boy 2000 miles away from his dad...and away from his friends, grandparents, cub scouts and everything he's known.

His dad calls him every single day, and gets him once per month for a 3 day weekend. We will have him for 2 months in the summer.

This poor boy has been living with drunk, who doesn't have him in any activities (it interferes with her drinking) so he sits and home and plays video games all day. In school...he's in trouble every single day. The school has no idea what to do with him.

Two nights ago he was at a therapist his mother takes him to to "fix him" and he spent the hour telling her in great detail all the ways he could kill himself. Or maybe someone else. He was admitted right away to an in-patient mental health hospital and his dad has not been allowed to talk to him yet. He was able to get through to the therapist on duty this weekend to tell her the backstory: the alcoholism, moving him away, preventing the dad from being involved in decisions ect.

Why am I posting this? My heart aches for this little boy. I don't know what the outcome may be...but suicide is serious. It may start another narrative for another lengthy and expensive court battle.

I'm in al-anon myself and private therapy...not knowing what this means for our future or if I'm equipped to take on all of this. We live together...the child will be with us this summer if he doesn't get admitted to a longer term facility to we'll just see how things go.

One day at a time, right???

Refiner

This really pisses me off!!!! I have a friend in a similar situation with her nephews who just unwillingly were stripped from their friends, family, and support to the middle of nowhere SD so the drunk Dad could live with the drunk girlfriend (their mother passed away when they were young). At WHAT AGE can the adolescent make their own decision as to who to live with????

MsGrace

It will vary State by State. The alcoholic had a better attorney...they were successful keeping her disease out of the custody case as there was no "proof"'

Duckygirl1

There are just way too many morons in government. This is disgusting! You'd think that courts, therapist, counselors et al would be clued in to the manipulation of addicts by now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. This little one is in my prayers. Please document everything that you can and when you have him love him to pieces!

maybear

If I were you I would make a report to child protective services. Particularly emphasising the suicidal ideation and neglect that his mother is displaying while drinking.

Poor little guy. Must be so worrying for you both.

FireSprite

OMG, my heart shattered reading that. He's 9? Like. .. nine? NINE!?!

I would challenge custody immediately if this were my child, no doubt. I have no clue what that entails either. . not speaking as an expert here, just emotions.

What more could they possibly want to prove how unhealthy this situation is for him? I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how frustrating & infuriating & heartbreaking this is for all of you. Many, many prayers!!!

chicory

Dear God, this is so sad. 9 years old!
you must be besides yourselves. bless his heart..... I do hope that his dad can talk to who ever they can get to listen , to help to change this boys life. I am so sorry... he desperately needs help and I am glad that they did put him into hospital... I cannot believe this , at 9 years old.
Yes, ditto on the loving him up.. he needs away from her! He has great anger and does not deserve this .
praying for him.

Impurrfect

I am so sorry you, he, and all who love him are going through this. Keeping you all in my prayers, and I do hope he gets the help he needs and deserves.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

searching peace

I agree about reporting to child protective services. I would also ask your fiancé to request a guardian as litem. This person would be responsible for the boy's interest and not be persuaded by either of the parents. And the attorney about a PI to get proof of the drinking etc. it depends on the state where the legal battle is. Didn't she have to get the dad's permission to move the child? The court case should still be in the state where it was initially heard even though she moved. I would investigate which state would be best to serve the little boys needs. Unless the state retains jurisdiction. But there are still ways around that. I know Florida holds the dad in high regard concerning children's needs, while Alabama holds the mother in higher regard for court cases concerning children. My heart breaks for this little boy. He will be in my prayers. I hope he is able to be removed from the moms custody and the mental facility. I do not think either of those places is the best place for him. He needs love and consistency and stability. All of this is only my opinion. And I have also learned that one person's version may not be the actual version. Just make sure what your fiancé is telling you is the absolute truth. My stbxah told me horrible things about his ex wife and her parenting skills and now I know that it was all lies. I was so upset about my step children and their well being. Thankfully I learned the truth before I contributed to taking actions against the mother.
Sending you hugs! You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. I'm sure if the little boy is to live with yall, you will be a wonderful influence and support for him.

LexieCat

Most states have enacted the Uniform Child Custody and Jurisdiction Enforcement Act, or have a similar law that determines jurisdiction where more than one state is involved. Application of the act will determine which state has jurisdiction to review custody/visitation issues. Here's a link to an article summarizing the provisions: UCCJEA.

I'm so sorry this little boy has been so badly harmed, and hope that he gets the help that he needs.

MsGrace

thank you all dear souls for your kind words and the resources you've shared...very much appreciated.

So looks like here is what is happening: the beginning of another court battle. The boy's school and current therapist know "something is wrong with the mother" but until the dad started talking to the therapist...of course they had no way of knowing what. The tricky thing with alcohol abuse is without a DUI...and arrest, or something like that...it's very hard to prove. She drinks at home alone now....we searched texas records for traffic and arrest records, and there is none. SO: the therapist is willing to recommend the boy be placed with the father and her notes and records are being sent to his atty. Then once the mental hospital diagnoses and recommends a course of treatment...we will have that. The mother has been successful keeping any narrative out of any conversation that has to do with her....her drinking, behavior, parenting skill or the disastrous results. She's very skilled at not letting anyone suggest that she drinks. So we are thinking this intervention may be a blessing. We have no way of knowing at this point what the medical professionals in the hospital are seeing, or what conclusions they will make.

At the end of the day, we'll still have a little boy who has been told since he was 4 that his dad abandoned him...didn't want him...doesn't want to see him ...and that of course is such a lie. And wholly inconsistent with the boy's experience. He's a great dad...and very involved...but we cannot control the quacking of the mother. Such a vicious, selfish, narcissistic disease. She's let the little boy burn up in order to protect her right to destroy her own life with alcohol. Inconceivable...how this disease actually works....