klhofbauer

I live in Phoenix, AZ.

Hello,

This is going to be long, I do sincerely apologize. I hope to give some background and with it, maybe some insight to all of this.

BACKGROUND

I'm 42 yr.s old. I have 3 boys, ages 24, 21 & 16. Only the 16 yr. old lives with me. I was pregnant at age 17, married to my first husband in 1980. I divorced and then moved from PA to Florida in 1987 leaving the two oldest boys with my then stable, hard-working NON alcoholic father. I had a LOT - A LOT of issues with self-esteem, depression, cheating, running around on my first husband - hating being a mother and married. No excuses, just reasons. A counsellor I was seeing for about 18 months/2 years and I both thought that I may have a personality disorder. However, it was never really diagnosed.

NOTE: I have *serious* issues with people who "use" depression. It's MY opinion, I do not deal with it at all.. and to me, it's "get over yourself and it, and stop using 'depression' as a frickin' EXCUSE - DEAL WITH IT!". One of the reasons I do not get along with my sister (below) and do not like using that "term" for some of the episodes in my life.

I'm also the sister of a bi-polar, manic depressive sister; a mother who suffered in silence from depression; a father who had a gambling addiction to *scratchcards* only - hard to believe but true, I watched dad in Vegas 2 years ago, mom had his cards and gave him a certain amount of coins.

I remarried again in 1988, again because I was pregnant with the youngest son. My second husband was a gambling addict. We divorced in 1989. My 2nd husband and I shared joint physical custody. During this time, I was "in and out" of my two oldest son's lives.

Up until 1990, I was up and down moods, experimented with acid only one time.. LOL.. hated it - drugs I didn't do. I also would drink, but NOT in excess.. in fact, 3 drinks were a limit, and know for a fact, I never would drink more than 3 (I'd be sicker than all hell). Today, well, there's been an unopened bottle of wine in our fridge since October 2002 when my folks were here! I have a bottle of Kahlua in the cupboard since hmmm... I think 1999? Don't drink, do drugs, just have this pathetic addiction to cigarettes. GRRRRR! NEED Willpower here!

In 1990, I literally died on the operating table due to tumors that burst. After having a hysterectomy due to cancer my mood swings lessened more and more until they stopped. Now, I am content, happy with my life, still have some esteem issues, but not in any way like years ago. Life is good.

The only regrets I have are the fact that I feel guilty because I left and of how my oldest two boys have lived. However, when I look at how *I* was - it was no way to raise two kids. I USE to say "the best thing I ever did was leave the boys with their father in PA".

Which brings me to the forum.....

My middle son is working fulltime, going to school fulltime, and just moved out of his dads place in North Carolina; he has always been the quiet one, doing what he can to make the best of things. He and I are fostering a great relationship, we talk weekly on the phone - even if there is nothing to talk about since the previous week.. LOL. When he told me last year that he was coming out for Xmas this year - needless to say, I am ballistic! You ain't seen anyone do a 'happy dance' like this old gal!!

My youngest son has had the advantage of being in a 2-parent family since 1990 when I met my now husband, Mike. My son's dad and I have always remained friends, I still chat & write with my second mom-in-law. We've all been worried terribly about my 2nd ex husband since Charley hit them.

The problem now.. is my oldest son... *sigh*...

Regardless of what he says, he is like me in sooo many ways. He will deny it of course.

Both of the oldest boys looked up to their dad so much, and it has only been in the past couple of years.. since October 2001 actually, that I have been finding out how things REALLY were/are with their dad. (hubby #1) Even though Mike (Hubby #3) and I LIVED in NC with my first husband and boys in 97/98, even though I saw that he could still put away the beer, smoke dope, I just never really SAW what was happening.

In Oct. 2001, my oldest son moved out here to AZ - however, things just didn't go right... from both of our sides. Maybe he & I were trying too hard - or not hard enough, but we couldn't get along. I'm stubborn, he is too. I'm hard-headed, argumentative, bossy - and so is he. Mike & I were dealing with his layoff/unemployment, a smaller apartment, not enough room.. you name it - and so I stressed - and stressed too much. In June 2002, my oldest son moved back to his dad's in NC.

In the interim, his father (#ex-1) got remarried - to an alcoholic. Why? Deduction is that it is simply because someone paid attention to him, and he has been extremely lonely. (that's partly true). The boys dad has also dealt with self-esteem issues.

Over the past 2 years, I've heard more and more about the alcoholism. That's why my middle son moved out. Their father expects them to pay all of the bills "so he doesn't lose the trailer & land". There are drunken bouts of violence weekly (if not more) between Ex & his wife. Police are called, excuses are made... and this is KILLING my oldest son.

Our home is open.. we have already told him that. We now live in a house, and the 3rd bedroom is his. We sent him the "rules" - no rent while he is in school, no drugs, basic stuff.. so that there would be a "written" contract. I know I cannot "make" a 24 yr. old move out here.. I do so wish that he would.. I understand that even in some ways I may be subconsciously trying to "makeup" all of the wrongs that I feel I may have done... But, most of all.. I want my oldest son OUT of his dad's house before someone ends up dead or in jail.

This is the email I received from him earlier today snipped where necessary:

I am so heartbroken for this child of mine. Adult he may be in age.. but he is still my son.

If he was underage, I would be there begging, borrowing the $$ to fly out and bring him back.

I don't know where to turn.. I know he doesn't either.... He cannot even let on to his father that he is talking to me or "it is liable to start some more bad stuff"... and his father and I use to be friends....

I just don't know what to do... how to sort all of this out.. how to get him help....

Please... is there anything I can do.. so far away, yet hurting for him so much?

Again.. I apologize for the length of this....

KH

sweeks

Hey KH don't apologize for it being too long (my first post was the same way most people's are lol) I'm glad you found us! You might suggest an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting for your oldest son. There will be a ton of people there that have had or are having the same problems that are trying to deal with them. I'm the daughter of an alcholic instead of a mother so I don't have a lot of advice for you but it can't hurt to send him a meeting schedule. *best wishes*

sweeks

sweeks

Here's a link to a site you can use to search for meetings. http://allone.com/12/aca/ Otherwise you can check with your local AA.