Closure Letter?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Closure Letter?
Hi all,
I've been doing really well, going to A-lanon, talking with my sponser and doing some good accepting regarding the break up of my xabf of 11 yrs.
While he was breaking our our relationship and told me he was drinking again , I said some pretty mean stuff.
1. I told him I was happy he was drinking again because he had been acting like it for the past 3 years anyway.
2. I told him I was dating , and that our relationship was casual at best.
Of course I am not glad he drank and I was not dating. I wrote the following letter to him about two weeks ago and have not sent it. I feel really bad for saying these things, and I want to be able to move on with out guilt.
" Hi, The last time we spoke I said some things that were not true, I appologize. I wish for peace, happiness and forgiveness for the both of us."
Thoughts?
I've been doing really well, going to A-lanon, talking with my sponser and doing some good accepting regarding the break up of my xabf of 11 yrs.
While he was breaking our our relationship and told me he was drinking again , I said some pretty mean stuff.
1. I told him I was happy he was drinking again because he had been acting like it for the past 3 years anyway.
2. I told him I was dating , and that our relationship was casual at best.
Of course I am not glad he drank and I was not dating. I wrote the following letter to him about two weeks ago and have not sent it. I feel really bad for saying these things, and I want to be able to move on with out guilt.
" Hi, The last time we spoke I said some things that were not true, I appologize. I wish for peace, happiness and forgiveness for the both of us."
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Personally I wouldn't even include him in the mix. Make peace with yourself.
You are not a liar , nor a bad person. The past is irrelevant right now.
You were dealing with an alcoholic whom I'm sure made your life miserable way more then two little white lies did his.
Forgive yourself and move on with no contact. If he is anything like my X, he never comprehended anything you said to him anyway.
You are not a liar , nor a bad person. The past is irrelevant right now.
You were dealing with an alcoholic whom I'm sure made your life miserable way more then two little white lies did his.
Forgive yourself and move on with no contact. If he is anything like my X, he never comprehended anything you said to him anyway.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I made specific and sincere amends to my AX via letter. Having a coherent conversation with him is impossible, so written amends were my best option.
I was ready to make my 9th step, had done my step 4 inventory and had no expectations attached to him accepting or acknowledging my amends. It was freeing and I'm glad that I did it.
I was ready to make my 9th step, had done my step 4 inventory and had no expectations attached to him accepting or acknowledging my amends. It was freeing and I'm glad that I did it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
What kind of contact do you have with him at the present? Are you no contact?
Sending a letter could open up the communication door. I don't know what to tell you to do here. We all say things in anger its clear from what you said that you were being sarcastic about being happy he was drinking, and did not really mean that. Whether you are or are not dating really is none of his business. I question your motives for wanting to clarify that you aren't dating anyone.
If you feel you will continue to feel guilty then maybe you should send it.
Sending a letter could open up the communication door. I don't know what to tell you to do here. We all say things in anger its clear from what you said that you were being sarcastic about being happy he was drinking, and did not really mean that. Whether you are or are not dating really is none of his business. I question your motives for wanting to clarify that you aren't dating anyone.
If you feel you will continue to feel guilty then maybe you should send it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
HI,
Thank you for the honesty, something I need right now. We have no contact right now , not sure why , but neither of us has tried to contact each other. I have no real need or want to contact him . It has been a long hurtful breakup and I am ready to move on. I am not worried about opening the communication door , as I do not have any expectations. I too questioned the reason why I want him to know I was not dating, maybe because we never discussed dating other people. His actions certainly did not indicate a comitted relationship, not that he was dating, but he kept me out of his life for the most part in the last year. I sent the letter this morning, revised to just appologize for any hurtful things I said during the last conversation . It feels like closure , I am relieved. Its not about who gets the last word, who broke up with who , its about a disease, a very sad life / relationship ending disease. We were together for 11 years, I have alway been afraid of rocking the boat , saying how I feel , afraid of getting rejected. Well no more , I am owning up to my part , whether he owns up to his part is up to him , I am letting that go.
Thank you for the honesty, something I need right now. We have no contact right now , not sure why , but neither of us has tried to contact each other. I have no real need or want to contact him . It has been a long hurtful breakup and I am ready to move on. I am not worried about opening the communication door , as I do not have any expectations. I too questioned the reason why I want him to know I was not dating, maybe because we never discussed dating other people. His actions certainly did not indicate a comitted relationship, not that he was dating, but he kept me out of his life for the most part in the last year. I sent the letter this morning, revised to just appologize for any hurtful things I said during the last conversation . It feels like closure , I am relieved. Its not about who gets the last word, who broke up with who , its about a disease, a very sad life / relationship ending disease. We were together for 11 years, I have alway been afraid of rocking the boat , saying how I feel , afraid of getting rejected. Well no more , I am owning up to my part , whether he owns up to his part is up to him , I am letting that go.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I wrote a lot of letters to AXH about our relationship. I burned them. Both the writing and the burning was completely cathartic. If you're not wanting to re-open the communication, maybe something similar would be all that you need?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Up to you, dear.
Do you think he is stressing about, affected by, or even remembers you saying these things to him?
In my experience with my ABF, I am the only one that retains most of the hurtful OR meaningful things said in our relationship.
What will sending the letter do for him? For you? (it seems that simply in writing it down may be where the healing lies for you?)
I'm so glad you are working on yourself! You're doing great!
Do you think he is stressing about, affected by, or even remembers you saying these things to him?
In my experience with my ABF, I am the only one that retains most of the hurtful OR meaningful things said in our relationship.
What will sending the letter do for him? For you? (it seems that simply in writing it down may be where the healing lies for you?)
I'm so glad you are working on yourself! You're doing great!
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