guava

Quick back story - XAH always drank but it got way out of control in early 2013. I asked him to leave and he moved in with his parents (a mile away) in early 2014. He stopped drinking (for the nth time) in January 2015. Proceedings were already underway and I had had enough - our divorce was final this February. Court awarded me sole custody of our seven year old son but "reserved its right" on visitation. (My attorney advised that means visitation is "at my discretion.") XAH relapsed in March. At times he's been remorseful and other times he's been downright nasty. Then two days after Easter his father died.

Lately things don't seem to run smoothly around here for more than a week at a time - XAH texted this afternoon that he hurt his back badly last night and can barely move. Turns out he was at a bar in the wee hours of the morning and someone (supposedly unprovoked) threw him against the ground and broke some ribs.

I'm so over all of this crap! Where is this guys bottom? Being kicked out of his house? Ruining his credit/finances? Losing his wife? Losing custody of his son? Missing the last beautiful holiday with his Dad because he was drunk and angry? (I posted a separate thread on that a couple weeks ago.) Being attacked and injured at a bar at 2am? Nope...his response is that he can't seem to catch a break. Yeah...right...it has nothing to do with the fact that you are an alcoholic! Ugh.

Alright...on to my question...my son wants to see XAH, XAH wants to see my son. I've been allowing him to come over in the evening for an hour or two for dinner/to read with our son. This is XAH's best, most normal time of the day. He's pleasant and my son is happy to spend time with his Dad. My son is my absolute #1 priority. While I think living with an active alcoholic 24/7 was, and would have continued to be very detrimental, he's happy seeing his Dad for an hour or so. Do I mess with that just because of MY feelings? Or is this whole arrangement totally messed up? I see a therapist every other week and I'm in Alanon (chat, phone bridge and/or face to face meetings) but I'm still confused. My son would be very upset if he didn't see his Dad. Plus he just lost his Grandpa. Any thoughts?

maia1234

G- You would think after you divorced that you would be done with it. I am sorry. In my opinion I think least contact is better. Is there anyone that can meet him somewhere and stay for the visit with your son, outside of your home. I understand that they both need each other, but you will never move forward if you stay in his misery.

guava

Thanks for the reply Maia. That is actually a really good suggestion! I could drop my son off at XMIL's house - where XAH lives now - instead of supervising visits in my home. I wouldn't have to worry about XAH driving as I'd be providing the transportation and XMIL would be there both to keep things in check and get some extra Grandma/Grandson time which would be good for both her and my son. As an added bonus I would also be able to attend my favorite Alanon meeting on a more regular basis.

redatlanta

Some people don't have a bottom.

He still has a place to live and all the things he needs he is living with his mother correct?

Just changing geography. Might even be a better environment for him where he has zero responsibility and can do whatever he wants without pissing off his spouse.

FeelingGreat

The MIL idea sounds ideal and I'm sure she would love it too, but is she capable of controlling XAH if he's drinking after you leave? Is she responsible enough to tell you not to come if he's drinking? If you're happy on these points, it would be a break for you too.
I suppose a park visit would be ok if you meet XAH at the playground, check he's ok then go off for a coffee for a while. It would also work for a movie.

LexieCat

Actually, if his coming over for an hour or so for dinner and bedtime with your son isn't upsetting you, why mess with it? It doesn't matter whether it seems "weird" to be doing that--if it works for you and everyone else, I'd just let it continue for right now.

At some point it may become uncomfortable for one or all of you, in which case you can change it.

Just my two cents.

happybeingme

In this case I am of the opinion if it ain't broke don't fix it. You might find running to your xmil house everyday a pain

FireSprite

I'm of the same mindset as Happy & Lexie - if the hour each day isn't irritating you & keeps DS in a safe, comfortable environment I think I would just let it go. (I personally wouldn't want to go running out after dinner every night - but maybe you didn't mean this is an every day thing the way I interpreted it?)

Of course, there's nothing wrong with letting grandma run interference & getting your meeting time while he gets extra grandma time too. If you need that for YOUR sanity, I completely get it. It's really great that you can rely on MIL for extra help like that, that's awesome!!

guava

Thanks for the comments!

To be honest - it is really hard for me to see him every day. Admittedly, I feel a little used - he stops by, has a good (free) dinner, plays with our son for an hour and then leaves - no responsibilities. It's also hard watching him self destruct as he seems to continue his downward spiral. This is a guy I used to love very much. Not sure where I'm at with that now. However, I can certainly work through those emotions to maintain an arrangement if it makes my son happy.

I wasn't thinking every night at Grandma's - sorry if I implied that! Was envisioning it for my face to face Alanon meeting on Thursdays. I know XMIL would jump at the opportunity to spend one evening a week with her grandson. She's got some health issues since her stroke but for 2 hours a week I think she'd be fine. That would give them time together, allow XAH to maintain his daily visits and give me an extremely welcome break.

Ursula745

If he's living at his mothers, she's enabling him, which could also mean she may not be strong enough to monitor and report or do anything about if he is drinking around your son. I'd leave it as is and you control the environment.