The diffrenece between alcohilism and abuse is?
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Join Date: May 2014
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The diffrenece between alcohilism and abuse is?
There seems to be a big difference between an abusive person and an alcoholic... I seem to have gotten involved with someone who is both as my posts seem to have confused a lot of people. I just assumed all alcoholics were abusive???
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Not at all. A lot of alcoholics can be inattentive partners, or defensive and angry when their drinking is threatened, but not abusive in the sense of being controlling and coercive.
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What Lexie said...some people are just abusive, alcoholics or not. Some alcoholics would never hurt a fly in the sense of physical abuse. Still, they are abusing themselves by being alcoholics because it is their own health and well-being that is being assaulted.
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As I have said before
Cheaters are cheaters
Abusers are abusers
Jerks are jerks
The alcoholism is just another thing they are. But, take away the alcohol and you still have a cheater, abuser, or jerk.
Cheaters are cheaters
Abusers are abusers
Jerks are jerks
The alcoholism is just another thing they are. But, take away the alcohol and you still have a cheater, abuser, or jerk.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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If someone is abusive by nature, alcoholism may lower inhibition. And if cognitive functions are declining and there is a lack of emphaty, abuse may get worse. And do not forget that abuse is about controlling.
Abusive people do not have to be addicts at all.
Abusive people do not have to be addicts at all.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
I have a question that ties in with this.
My husband was wonderful for most of our marriage. We'll be married 20 years this summer. First nine years there were no problems. He developed a drinking problem in year ten. The past four or five years he escalated ro verbal abuse.
He's been "sober" for 4 months now, two small one-day relapses. But there is still a lot of verbal abuse.
I know this isn't who I married, and it was only after years of alcoholism and various traumas in his life that he started this. So why is it continuing? Is it because he's finally having to deal with things and can't handle it and reverts back to his alcoholic behaviours while being sober? I am beyond frustrated but i can't talk to him about it, his guilt and shame and hatred of himself is overwhelming.
My husband was wonderful for most of our marriage. We'll be married 20 years this summer. First nine years there were no problems. He developed a drinking problem in year ten. The past four or five years he escalated ro verbal abuse.
He's been "sober" for 4 months now, two small one-day relapses. But there is still a lot of verbal abuse.
I know this isn't who I married, and it was only after years of alcoholism and various traumas in his life that he started this. So why is it continuing? Is it because he's finally having to deal with things and can't handle it and reverts back to his alcoholic behaviours while being sober? I am beyond frustrated but i can't talk to him about it, his guilt and shame and hatred of himself is overwhelming.
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I was married for 27 years, with him for 25 1/2 years, so excuse me if I don't make sense. I am also an RA.
I will always agree with alcoholism as being just a symptom of something bigger. Mostly no coping skills. I had none.
Now there are people that handle anger differently. I was someone who internalized it. It was always what did I do wrong now, and how can I fix it?
My ex was not. It always had to be someone else's fault, and not his.
Did drinking have anything to do with this. The answer is no. It was the personalities.
Whether we were drinking or not, there was that difference in personalities. I wanted to make things better, and he didn't want to be wrong. Being wrong for him, meant he would go into a rage. Drinking for him made it easier, because he could blame the alcohol. But he did it also without drinking.
Always had to have someone to blame. Didn't do this much outside of the house because there would have been consequences, so he took it home with him, and who was home? Me.
Sometimes we want to blame the alcohol, why? because that is when they are at their worst. But that's not true either. It's the lack of empathy, the feelings that you get at times that you don't even exist. The emptiness that you feel. And of course, I know about the "hoovers", where they try to suck you back in again, it's only because they didn't find another yet to "lift their ego".
It's the walking on eggshells. What you did wrong yesterday, you try to do right today, but it's still wrong. It's the name calling. It's the no resolution to anything, it's the round and round and round we go again fights.
It's when you feel safer sleeping in your car in the garage rather then going back in the house. It's when you fear for your life, and then you no longer fear for your life, because you would rather be dead, then you will know what an abusive relationship is.
I know many times we talk about how alcoholics are abusive. They are mostly abusive because of neglect of their family, and they abuse themselves by drinking. An abusive relationship is totally different.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I will always agree with alcoholism as being just a symptom of something bigger. Mostly no coping skills. I had none.
Now there are people that handle anger differently. I was someone who internalized it. It was always what did I do wrong now, and how can I fix it?
My ex was not. It always had to be someone else's fault, and not his.
Did drinking have anything to do with this. The answer is no. It was the personalities.
Whether we were drinking or not, there was that difference in personalities. I wanted to make things better, and he didn't want to be wrong. Being wrong for him, meant he would go into a rage. Drinking for him made it easier, because he could blame the alcohol. But he did it also without drinking.
Always had to have someone to blame. Didn't do this much outside of the house because there would have been consequences, so he took it home with him, and who was home? Me.
Sometimes we want to blame the alcohol, why? because that is when they are at their worst. But that's not true either. It's the lack of empathy, the feelings that you get at times that you don't even exist. The emptiness that you feel. And of course, I know about the "hoovers", where they try to suck you back in again, it's only because they didn't find another yet to "lift their ego".
It's the walking on eggshells. What you did wrong yesterday, you try to do right today, but it's still wrong. It's the name calling. It's the no resolution to anything, it's the round and round and round we go again fights.
It's when you feel safer sleeping in your car in the garage rather then going back in the house. It's when you fear for your life, and then you no longer fear for your life, because you would rather be dead, then you will know what an abusive relationship is.
I know many times we talk about how alcoholics are abusive. They are mostly abusive because of neglect of their family, and they abuse themselves by drinking. An abusive relationship is totally different.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Ditto to what everyone else has said. I have sanity checked with numerous people in my sobriety and I was never verbally or physically abusive during my addiction. I did see more than one other woman when I went through outpatient rehab where it was their non alcoholic spouse that was abusive, even saw the verbal abuse happening during family nights. That said abuse and addiction are two separate issues.This is why you see so many people on this forum that are in abusive relationships, blame the alcohol, only to find that their s/o is STILL abusive in sobriety. If one truly goes into recovery we look into our shortcomings and failures and learn new ways of coping. That said personality changes for the better that ensue in sobriety are due to the psychological process of self discovery etc. IMHO anybody that is still an abusive jerk after a year of sobriety has a lot more going on than just the addiction, the addiction was just the low hanging fruit so to speak.
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I still have a hard time separating the two issues. I *know* the alcohol didn't cause him the be abusive, but sometimes I still find myself blaming his drinking, and wondering 'maybe if he stops drinking, he might stop his other behavior?' But I also know he won't. The months after he went to rehab, he was even more controlling and verbally abusive. And still that 1/2-hope shows up once in a while.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
IMHO if I were to hazard a guess your issue with separating the two is that there is a large school of thought that believes that addiction is a disease. I have not seen any similar thoughts on abuse. Never once have I found articles calling abusive behavior a disease. That said it is easier to deal with disease concept than a personality disorder which abuse could be . considered. Disease-treat, it gets under control. Abuse is another story. That is just a wild guess on my part however.This is why even as an "A" in recovery I see sooo many women that have sober spouses that are the ones that are abusive and as a result everytime I read something here about an abusive spouse I want to shout "run run" 'cause sobriety is NOT going to stop the abuse unless they also get into serious recovery and OWN their abusive traits and get treatment for THAT behavior.
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Originally Posted by happybeingme 
As I have said before Cheaters are cheaters Abusers are abusers Jerks are jerks The alcoholism is just another thing they are. But, take away the alcohol and you still have a cheater, abuser, or jerk.
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I don't like sharing this because it shines a bright light on my shortcomings. But here goes. I suffer from depression. Have my whole life. At times when the depression overwhelmed me I could lash out at my husband and be verbally abusive. Sometimes though I could keep it in check.
When I became a full blown alcoholic though? Forget it. I was a raving lunatic. I am still ashamed of my behavior. However, when I hit my bottom I knew the only chance I had was if I changed everything. And I sought help just about everywhere I could. No formal program but I found excellent online support, had wonderful mentors who taught me how to live really live life on life's terms. To take responsibility for myself, my illness, and change my whole life.
I am much better now. I am on medication for the depression. I live a mindful life. I think a lot about myself and my emotional wellbeing. It is an illness I will always have to take care of.
Does this make me special? Not at all. But, I think it is rare. My greatest fear after whether or not I would survive detox was that my life would be no different just the alcohol would be removed. I couldn't live with that thought. So I pursued recovery from all my mental ailments with my whole heart and soul. For me it really was a matter of life or death. I don't think most people could do it.
When I became a full blown alcoholic though? Forget it. I was a raving lunatic. I am still ashamed of my behavior. However, when I hit my bottom I knew the only chance I had was if I changed everything. And I sought help just about everywhere I could. No formal program but I found excellent online support, had wonderful mentors who taught me how to live really live life on life's terms. To take responsibility for myself, my illness, and change my whole life.
I am much better now. I am on medication for the depression. I live a mindful life. I think a lot about myself and my emotional wellbeing. It is an illness I will always have to take care of.
Does this make me special? Not at all. But, I think it is rare. My greatest fear after whether or not I would survive detox was that my life would be no different just the alcohol would be removed. I couldn't live with that thought. So I pursued recovery from all my mental ailments with my whole heart and soul. For me it really was a matter of life or death. I don't think most people could do it.
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