firebolt

I made a mistake - I allowed drunken ABF to sleep in our room last night. When he's drunk, I always ask him to sleep on the couch or in the spare room, and after a grumble here and there, he does - other times, he happily does.

I set this boundary because ABF is a kicker, a yeller, a freight train snorer, a spitter, and evidently now, a farmers blower when he's passed out. I should have just put his full faced motorcycle helmet on him while he was asleep last night. I didn't, and after the second episode of spitting and snot shooting at 3 am, I lost my $h!t. His response was - "I don't freak out when you snore." Umm...no words.

I failed at my boundary last night because I went to bed before him, and was groggy and too lazy to start the 'get the hell out of here" talk when he stumbled to bed an hour later. Regrets!

I know we have a lot of fridge, closet, plants, and boots pee-ers for partners, but the spitting thing seems semi rare. Clearly, and much like with my dog, I need to be consistent. (yes, I'm tired and angry.) Any other advice would be great - duct taping a solo cup to his mouth seems extreme, but at this point I am willing.

SparkleKitty

Ugh. How unpleasant. Next time, instead of trying to wake the dead and starting an argument, could you go to the spare room? I know there's a principle involved, but still: sleep is too important, especially leading into a Monday!

Duckygirl1

It's crazy what they do. The best one my ex came up with, and I have to admit after it happened I actually laughed. He was a midnight /2am/3am muncher. We had keys to each other's place seeing as we lived across the hall from each other.

Him walking into my bedroom while I'm half asleep: hey babe, u up? Anyway, I came ova (heavy ny accent) an u were knocked out. Anyways, I ate all da cheese. Come ova when you get up.

Me, just laying there looking at him like he's nuts. I get up, open the fridge and I'll be hanged if he didn't eat evey bit of cheese I had. I like cheese so I had quite a bit of diffrent types. I filled his fridge the next day with snackies to save myself the trouble. Why lord did I stay so long?

AnvilheadII

maybe its time to look at the bigger picture here........what's the upside to a drunken bf again?

firebolt

There are plenty of upsides, and they are in a losing battle to the downsides.... and I know I deserve more upsides that what I have.

hopeful4

Next time you go to bed first, lock the door behind you. That's my suggestion.

XXX

Kboys

OMG Firebolt! That is disgusting.

Mine mostly would just throw up all over the place, and we had a few peeing incidents.

Yeah, I'm with Sparkle. You need your sleep. I know you don't want to be the one to have to make the sacrifice of not sleeping in your own bed, and you shouldn't have to be, but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Or can you lock your bedroom door? So he will be forced to go sleep somewhere else and you don't have to be woken up if you're already asleep?

firebolt

Yeah, I can lock the door, but I have a feeling he'd fumble in anyway and not take it as the reminder it is meant to be while in said stupor - lol.

I can go in the other room for sure, I just need to squash the host of lame excuses in my stubborn mind - MY COMFY BED, the greenhouse starts in the way of the bed in the spare room, uncomfy bed, moving all my water, chapstick phone crap, principal - blah blah.

I'm angry I would have to do anything to spare myself this - at him for being so sick, and at myself for not taking long term action to get away from the sickness much sooner. I just feel so stuck, and it is all in my head and I can't act - even though i know I need to.

uGG... these issues are much deeper than being pissed off about the spitter.

Kboys

"I'm angry I would have to do anything to spare myself this - at him for being so sick, and at myself for not taking long term action to get away from the sickness much sooner. I just feel so stuck, and it is all in my head and I can't act - even though i know I need to.

uGG... these issues are much deeper than being pissed off about the spitter."

Yes, I so get this. I'm right there with you.

You will take the actions you need to when you are ready... and it sounds like you are getting closer to being ready.

HUGS

Refiner

Firebolt, that's absolutely disgusting. Btw, here's an excerpt of a post of yours from 2012: "We're together 2 years now. I knew he was an alcoholic when we got together. I swear I won't let it get as bad as the stories I hear....then again I swore I wouldn't let it get like this. I know it only gets worse....and so far, thats proving painfully true."

Are you getting there?

AliWProk

I have had to tape a note to the underside of the toilet lid; his own shirt; even the bottle itself. I let him know where to go (haha).

firebolt

I hope I'm getting there, Refiner - slowly but surely.

Kimmieh

My ex was a spitter, too. So gross....*hugs*

Stung

Well, not sleeping next to a drunk is a solid boundary and one that I also have (RAH isn't allowed in the house when he's been drinking, my biggest qualm is the drunk alcoholic smell. Barf.)

My suggestion for keeping him out of your bed after he's been drinking would be passive aggressive, rather than direct (taking his pillow off the bed and leaving it on the couch, putting something uncomfortable on his side of the bed like shoes - pointy shoes, etc.) but in my experience these practices were guarantees at starting fights with a drunk. No thank you.

Honestly, I would communicate that if he's been drinking you would appreciate it if he sleeps on the couch because he's a very active drunk sleeper. If you communicate that and he persists on sleeping in your bed anyway then I'd say it's time for YOU to do something different (boundaries are for us, not rules for them). In my case, we separated. No more drunkies in my bed. And no more drunk alcoholic smell in my house.