I'm Back...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
I'm Back...
...I'd say for good (as I hope), but I KNOW for today.
I read a post about Insanity, and I sure am the guy who does the same thing over and over, knowing the results.
Last night was devastating for me, mentally and physically. I drank my normal 12 pack of Bud Light, but after the 5th one, I started my usual planning.... OK, it's only 6 pm, wife probably won't go out and get more beer, I won't drive drunk -- I KNOW! I'll make a super sized margarita! Ugh... I must have dumped 5 or 6 shots of tequila, some other crap and drank it! Tasted like crap. Then proceeded to finish my 12 pack. Needless to say, I found oblivion. Crying to my wife, talking about AA (yes, it does f
up your drinking), and emailing a friend from AA asking for help...
Thank God, we spoke earlier today and I will be going to the 5:30 meeting, and working with him as my sponsor. This is something I am needing for my life, my kids and my wife. They need me back, sober and alive.
Oddly enough, my drinking had escalated to a point where I was trying to hurt myself, to feel really crappy the next day, so I could prove to myself that I had a problem -- how sick is that? My body must be a pretty amazing machine, because I have been dumping a LOT of crap into it lately...
I don't care about doing a triathlon, 1/2 marathon, anything -- just staying sober, no matter what.
Thanks for reading, and I know you guys and AA will welcome me back, I'm very happy to be here.
Ken
I read a post about Insanity, and I sure am the guy who does the same thing over and over, knowing the results.
Last night was devastating for me, mentally and physically. I drank my normal 12 pack of Bud Light, but after the 5th one, I started my usual planning.... OK, it's only 6 pm, wife probably won't go out and get more beer, I won't drive drunk -- I KNOW! I'll make a super sized margarita! Ugh... I must have dumped 5 or 6 shots of tequila, some other crap and drank it! Tasted like crap. Then proceeded to finish my 12 pack. Needless to say, I found oblivion. Crying to my wife, talking about AA (yes, it does f
up your drinking), and emailing a friend from AA asking for help...Thank God, we spoke earlier today and I will be going to the 5:30 meeting, and working with him as my sponsor. This is something I am needing for my life, my kids and my wife. They need me back, sober and alive.
Oddly enough, my drinking had escalated to a point where I was trying to hurt myself, to feel really crappy the next day, so I could prove to myself that I had a problem -- how sick is that? My body must be a pretty amazing machine, because I have been dumping a LOT of crap into it lately...
I don't care about doing a triathlon, 1/2 marathon, anything -- just staying sober, no matter what.
Thanks for reading, and I know you guys and AA will welcome me back, I'm very happy to be here.
Ken
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
WB Ken.
Yyeeeeeeeep.
You know what you have to do. You know how to do it. You have support to do it.
So....
DO IT!!!
.........a friendly reminder from your old friend Ann
Crying to my wife, talking about AA (yes, it does f up your drinking),
up your drinking),
You know what you have to do. You know how to do it. You have support to do it.
So....
DO IT!!!
.........a friendly reminder from your old friend Ann
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 689
Ken, go to the meeting, listen your sponsor, take his advice. Your way isn't working, is it? Time to give youself FULLY. Even if it does not feel comfortable to do. Work the program, and you will be rewarded with a better life, and also achieve sobriety.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
((( Ken)))
You have my full support and understanding. Isn't it amazing how much suffering...physical, mental and emotional we put ourselves, and families through, before we're willing to put down the bottle? Willing to risk everything we deem important. For what, the unavoidable horrendous hangover? It's never the intent, but the same outcome repeatedly. I'm glad you made the decision to seek recovery. Sometimes it's just easier to throw in the towel and except the inevitable, then try to prove it wrong. For me to continue the daily ritual of drinking myself to oblivion, where I was unable to think, (period) walk, function or yell "fire" if I was in the middle of one, was insanity. Insanity, something addicts are all to familiar with. I was long past finding any enjoyment out of drinking. How fun can it be to fall and be unable to get up off the floor? When I continued because it was all I knew and because I needed it physically, well why fight it any longer? I surrendered. Time to learn some new tricks. (I refuse to use the old dog adage) LOL. Good luck Ken, keep fighting the fight don't ever give up. Thank you, your thread reminded me of certain memories. Memories of why I must never drink again.
Take care and keep us posted,
Talia
You have my full support and understanding. Isn't it amazing how much suffering...physical, mental and emotional we put ourselves, and families through, before we're willing to put down the bottle? Willing to risk everything we deem important. For what, the unavoidable horrendous hangover? It's never the intent, but the same outcome repeatedly. I'm glad you made the decision to seek recovery. Sometimes it's just easier to throw in the towel and except the inevitable, then try to prove it wrong. For me to continue the daily ritual of drinking myself to oblivion, where I was unable to think, (period) walk, function or yell "fire" if I was in the middle of one, was insanity. Insanity, something addicts are all to familiar with. I was long past finding any enjoyment out of drinking. How fun can it be to fall and be unable to get up off the floor? When I continued because it was all I knew and because I needed it physically, well why fight it any longer? I surrendered. Time to learn some new tricks. (I refuse to use the old dog adage) LOL. Good luck Ken, keep fighting the fight don't ever give up. Thank you, your thread reminded me of certain memories. Memories of why I must never drink again.
Take care and keep us posted,
Talia
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Hon,
hate to let you know...
the next step could be death...
Been there, done that...
It does not even matter if you believe in a higher power or are completely atheist, this friggin sh*t is going to kill us.
please look deep in to the human history...
The results are always the same...
hate to let you know...
the next step could be death...
Been there, done that...
It does not even matter if you believe in a higher power or are completely atheist, this friggin sh*t is going to kill us.
please look deep in to the human history...
The results are always the same...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
update
Day 2 -- still sober and going to a 12:15 meeting with my sponsor. We had a great talk after the meeting last night and basically we are jumping into the book and the steps. Glad to take action and actually "work" a program this time.
A little anxiety and some mild shakiness going on, with some sharp chest pains, guessing I am withdrawing. Very tired, slept probably 6 hours last night, but like a log. Guess it takes time for all that poison to come out of my system....
My goal: 90 meetings in 90 days. Period. No matter what. Work, family, training, all have to come 2nd to my sobriety. If I miss a day, I need to double up another.
Trying to stay busy, going to the book store tonight with my wife (they don't serve beer there last time I checked!).
I'll keep checking in and fighting the good fight!
Ken
A little anxiety and some mild shakiness going on, with some sharp chest pains, guessing I am withdrawing. Very tired, slept probably 6 hours last night, but like a log. Guess it takes time for all that poison to come out of my system....
My goal: 90 meetings in 90 days. Period. No matter what. Work, family, training, all have to come 2nd to my sobriety. If I miss a day, I need to double up another.
Trying to stay busy, going to the book store tonight with my wife (they don't serve beer there last time I checked!).
I'll keep checking in and fighting the good fight!
Ken
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
: 2 days Ken!My Internet connection is a bit dodgy..... started going out then coming back on for a few mins. Has been on for about 10 mins now. I mention this because I don't want you to think I'm not rooting for you if I don't respond.
You can do 90 in 90! I did, and it was a relief
Trying to stay busy, going to the book store tonight with my wife (they don't serve beer there last time I checked!).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by NoMoBeer
My goal: 90 meetings in 90 days. Period. No matter what. Work, family, training, all have to come 2nd to my sobriety. If I miss a day, I need to double up another.
I learned to trust that what I was doing for me was, by extension, also a good thing for my family. And so far, I'm happy to say it has.
I wish you all the best in this Ken. I see courage written all over your post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Olympia, WA
Posts: 180
Hi Ken,
Yes, making lots of meetings in your first 3 months of sobriety is of major importance. You meet a lot of people you like. You meet a lot of people who are glad to meet you. And you hear a lot of things that make your sobriety journey easier. You also, by going to a variety of meetings find several of them that you really feel good going back to. So . . . yes, making lots of meetings in your first 90 days is important.
But about making a goal out of it, and promising to double up when you have to miss a day, that can backfire on you. If I set a goal and let myself down by being too "lazy" to meet that goal, I feel guilt, shame, and self loathing. These feelings form within me what I would call, "mental anguish."
When I'm full of mental anguish, Ken, and it's my own fault that I'm full of it, how do I get out of it? I think it takes about 3 good belts of beefeaters gin or 5 draft Michelobs. Then everything's okay again, for a while.
Talk to your sponsor about this if you think I'm wrong. That's why you asked him to be your sponsor, to find out what you should listen to and what you shouldn't. If he says, "screw him, you stick to your goal," well . . . he knows you better than I do, do as he says.
But my way of staying sober, and I made 156 meetings in my first 90 days, was to trust that the Loving God they talk about in AA loved me perfectly and didn't want me to wallow around in mental anguish, and thus, whenever I found myself with any guilt, shame, self loathing, resentment, fear/anxiety, boredom, frustration, anger, or sense of personal loss, floating around in my psyche, the pain associated with those feelings was a message from my Loving God that I was thinking wrong and needed to change my thinking in order to get rid of those feelings. That is what AA will give you, Ken, if you are willing to let go of your old ways of looking at life (including the importance of setting goals and making your way to success in them). A.A. through the twelve steps and discussion meetings will point out ways to view life which let you feel serene in spirit, with peace of mind, often-times bliss in the belly, and a daily sense of being at home in the universe.
That's how I've stayed sober for the past 29 plus years, Ken, I let AA show me how to feel really good inside even if at the expense of my ego. Granted if I don't set any goals, I'll have nothing to be proud about, will I? And yet, if I learn how to feel calm, serene, with peace of mind and a true sense of being at home in the universe on a daily basis why the heck would I need anything to feel proud about???????
If you will let me take the risk of saying something that well might p+++ you off, (since you have a sponsor that you can take it to), what I point out to you might well stay with you for a long long time and help you very much across that time, okay?
If you don't want to hear anything that might get to you right now. STOP READING My input NOW.
In your first message, you said, "This is something I am needing for my life, my kids and my wife. They need me back, sober and alive."
I'm here to tell you that that is not the thinking that will keep you sober. The truth is if you die tomorrow, your wife and kids lives will go on. Their lives will only be different than they are now. Their lot will not become bad or good, worse or better, even if there are some emotional scars as a result of your passing and there has to be some tightening of belts for awhile as well.
I learned right up front, Ken, that my relationship with God in AA was reversed from what it was for all those times I tried to 'get religion' in order to get my life squared away. No longer is it a matter of 'God needs me so that God can get God's will done.' That thinking of course made me more important than God. The new attitude was easy to see. God didn't need me, but if I wanted to stay sober I needed God! More appropriately I needed to trust in God's Perfect Love, Understand, Wisdom, and Truth so that I could get freed from looking into other people's eyes, including my wife's and kids', to see if it was okay for me to be me.
Quite simply Ken, the program worked for me not because I could become good, or measure up to what a father and husband ought to be, the program worked for me because the love of the AA members (generally) was unconditional, and the existence of a God of Perfect Love and Understanding made it okay for me to be me even if I couldn't untie all those knots inside of me right away in order to become 'good.'
I took on the promises literally, Ken. And so I surrendered to the steps without any reservations at all, so long as my Higher Power could be One of Perfect Love and Perfect Understanding. No more having to measure up to what I was never able to become. No more right to be miserable because I couldn't have what someone else had, either materially or spiritually. In no time at all, Ken, God taught me that I don't have to become anything because I already am. . . and that if I learned how to feel really good sober (as a result of working the steps honestly, open-mindedly, and willingly), and daily operated out of that good feeling, that everyone around me would get the positive benefit of how I was feeling in the same way that they used to get the negative benefit of how I was feeling.
Thus, Ken, my job becomes learning how to feel really good sober, and how to take full responsibility for maintaining that feeling. AA will teach that to you, Ken, in the same way it taught it to me and several million others.
There is a cost, however, and that's why you have had to go through all the pain and misery that a life of boozing sets up for you. The cost is stated very clearly in the first sentence of step 5 (12&12). Read it! Accept the truth of it. Be willing to let it happen. Then, and only then, are you really on your way to a fantastic miraculous transformation.
Blessings to you and for you, one of
Yes, making lots of meetings in your first 3 months of sobriety is of major importance. You meet a lot of people you like. You meet a lot of people who are glad to meet you. And you hear a lot of things that make your sobriety journey easier. You also, by going to a variety of meetings find several of them that you really feel good going back to. So . . . yes, making lots of meetings in your first 90 days is important.
But about making a goal out of it, and promising to double up when you have to miss a day, that can backfire on you. If I set a goal and let myself down by being too "lazy" to meet that goal, I feel guilt, shame, and self loathing. These feelings form within me what I would call, "mental anguish."
When I'm full of mental anguish, Ken, and it's my own fault that I'm full of it, how do I get out of it? I think it takes about 3 good belts of beefeaters gin or 5 draft Michelobs. Then everything's okay again, for a while.
Talk to your sponsor about this if you think I'm wrong. That's why you asked him to be your sponsor, to find out what you should listen to and what you shouldn't. If he says, "screw him, you stick to your goal," well . . . he knows you better than I do, do as he says.
But my way of staying sober, and I made 156 meetings in my first 90 days, was to trust that the Loving God they talk about in AA loved me perfectly and didn't want me to wallow around in mental anguish, and thus, whenever I found myself with any guilt, shame, self loathing, resentment, fear/anxiety, boredom, frustration, anger, or sense of personal loss, floating around in my psyche, the pain associated with those feelings was a message from my Loving God that I was thinking wrong and needed to change my thinking in order to get rid of those feelings. That is what AA will give you, Ken, if you are willing to let go of your old ways of looking at life (including the importance of setting goals and making your way to success in them). A.A. through the twelve steps and discussion meetings will point out ways to view life which let you feel serene in spirit, with peace of mind, often-times bliss in the belly, and a daily sense of being at home in the universe.
That's how I've stayed sober for the past 29 plus years, Ken, I let AA show me how to feel really good inside even if at the expense of my ego. Granted if I don't set any goals, I'll have nothing to be proud about, will I? And yet, if I learn how to feel calm, serene, with peace of mind and a true sense of being at home in the universe on a daily basis why the heck would I need anything to feel proud about???????
If you will let me take the risk of saying something that well might p+++ you off, (since you have a sponsor that you can take it to), what I point out to you might well stay with you for a long long time and help you very much across that time, okay?
If you don't want to hear anything that might get to you right now. STOP READING My input NOW.
In your first message, you said, "This is something I am needing for my life, my kids and my wife. They need me back, sober and alive."
I'm here to tell you that that is not the thinking that will keep you sober. The truth is if you die tomorrow, your wife and kids lives will go on. Their lives will only be different than they are now. Their lot will not become bad or good, worse or better, even if there are some emotional scars as a result of your passing and there has to be some tightening of belts for awhile as well.
I learned right up front, Ken, that my relationship with God in AA was reversed from what it was for all those times I tried to 'get religion' in order to get my life squared away. No longer is it a matter of 'God needs me so that God can get God's will done.' That thinking of course made me more important than God. The new attitude was easy to see. God didn't need me, but if I wanted to stay sober I needed God! More appropriately I needed to trust in God's Perfect Love, Understand, Wisdom, and Truth so that I could get freed from looking into other people's eyes, including my wife's and kids', to see if it was okay for me to be me.
Quite simply Ken, the program worked for me not because I could become good, or measure up to what a father and husband ought to be, the program worked for me because the love of the AA members (generally) was unconditional, and the existence of a God of Perfect Love and Understanding made it okay for me to be me even if I couldn't untie all those knots inside of me right away in order to become 'good.'
I took on the promises literally, Ken. And so I surrendered to the steps without any reservations at all, so long as my Higher Power could be One of Perfect Love and Perfect Understanding. No more having to measure up to what I was never able to become. No more right to be miserable because I couldn't have what someone else had, either materially or spiritually. In no time at all, Ken, God taught me that I don't have to become anything because I already am. . . and that if I learned how to feel really good sober (as a result of working the steps honestly, open-mindedly, and willingly), and daily operated out of that good feeling, that everyone around me would get the positive benefit of how I was feeling in the same way that they used to get the negative benefit of how I was feeling.
Thus, Ken, my job becomes learning how to feel really good sober, and how to take full responsibility for maintaining that feeling. AA will teach that to you, Ken, in the same way it taught it to me and several million others.
There is a cost, however, and that's why you have had to go through all the pain and misery that a life of boozing sets up for you. The cost is stated very clearly in the first sentence of step 5 (12&12). Read it! Accept the truth of it. Be willing to let it happen. Then, and only then, are you really on your way to a fantastic miraculous transformation.
Blessings to you and for you, one of
progress, not perfection
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 3
Yay. I am so happy to hear you are on the path.
Drinking made me do stupid stuff. I thought it was a party and I could stop anytime. When the stupid stuff made me feel bad, I drank more to feel better, and then did more stupid stuff.
I couldn't stop. Thank God there is a solution.
Drinking made me do stupid stuff. I thought it was a party and I could stop anytime. When the stupid stuff made me feel bad, I drank more to feel better, and then did more stupid stuff.
I couldn't stop. Thank God there is a solution.
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