Summerpeach

that if I didn't cut off my family, I would never heal. It took me years and a lot of therapy and 4 years of Al Anon to see how sick my family is.
Of course, I had mostly every trait they did but I wanted to heal and change and be healthier. They preferred being sick and crazy....I started the journey to self healing.

The OVERWHELMING fear of cutting off my family stopped me from doing it, but 2 yrs ago, I finally cut my sisters off. It was a DARK time. But my Mom would always ask me to "please attend" this or that family event for her and my Dad. I would and again, my two sick sisters would go off with their mental and emotional abuse towards me.

Then last xmas I finally had it...I mean HAD IT. I've not seen or spoke to them since and don't even want to see them again.
Now for my parents..they are 82 yrs old....hard to cut them off. But my Mom has such mental issues, I want to just run away.

On the outside, we look "normal"...my parents worked hard, we grew up with some wealth and you would never know we are a f'in mess.
My Mom is a victim, a martyr and loves to punish people as a manipulation if she doesn't get her way.....I WAS ALL THOSE SAME THINGS, until I got help 10 yrs ago.

I hover between indifference and sadness. I feel like an orphan. They always treated me different and are just truly sick and abusive people.

Thanks for listening....I am in a lot of pain today over this.

happybeingme

I am sorry you are going through this. My own mother is much the victim/martyr as well. So was I. I understand the feeling of being an orphan. My dad is an alcoholic and my mother a narcissist. I don't talk to either of them anymore. While tough it was the best choice for me. My sisters are still in my life with big boundaries in place.

Do you ever post in the Adult children sub forum?

Spacegoat

X2. I can relate, my mother is the same.

Refiner

Well, you're a bigger person than me. It took the dyiing off of my two parents before I could rid myself of my vile sister. If fact, "be the bigger person" is what I had to endure over and over again from my Mom to put up with the sister for my lifetime. It even took me about 4 years after my Mom's death to go no contact. I'm such a happier person not having to "fake it" with her anymore. I see her stuff on FB and literally feel like throwing up to just look at her. Yeah... we're still FB "friends" but don't post anything to each other. It's the only way to watch my nephew grow up, but I have to pay the price to have to see her smirky, vile, toxic face in the meantime.

lizatola

I can relate. I had to cut my in laws( including brother and sister in law) out of my life because of their toxicity. Sometimes it's the kindest thing we can do for ourselves. It's often painful but necessary.

The family had a running joke about my mother in law. They would say that she would sit in a room in the dark and that she would tell everyone, "Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark. I don't need the light on." She was the queen martyr of the family and even though everyone made fun of her when she wasn't around, they all had parts of her inside of them that came out often. My XAH included.

I'm so glad that I have moved on. Hugs to you, I know how hard a step like this can be.

knowthetriggers

Tight (((hugs))) Summerpeach. I am sorry you are in so much pain

atalose

Sorry you are in pain today.

I think being the “different one” is a good thing. And when we can stand here and look over there and see all the craziness and chaos turning like a tornado it’s a thankful feeling to not be part of it anymore.

It may feel lonely and we get sad and morn the “family” we wished we had and some days the morning is harder than others and keep moving forward.

((hugs))

theuncertainty

(((((hugs)))) Summerpeach

suncatcher

Summerpeach, I am sorry you are hurting today. Some people including family can be toxic and we have no choice but to distance ourselves. I read a book once called Toxic People. It was a good and informative book about how to break free from toxic people in our lives. I hope the coming days will bring you peace just know you are not alone.

Duckygirl1

(((Hugs)))

Summerpeach

Thanks so much everyone.....your shares and input really did brighten my outlook and makes me feel less alone.

I will have plans with my Mom and she will call me, ask how I am, I tell her I am great. Then she will go on and on about how sh!tty her life is and then I will say something and she will say "Oh I see you're in a bad mood". Then she will say "Now I don't feel like going out"
She is the QUEEN of punishment.

When I was a kid (in fact my entire 49 yrs), she has always punished me. If I went against what she thought was right, she would spend 3 days in bed and my Dad would say "you did this"

I made so many connections to my own issues and had major epiphanies to why I was the way I was and why I was in relationships with men who also would "punish" me.

I've done YEARS Of therapy and Al Anon and and I was never able to connect the dots, but then BANG, all your learning hits and you see facts.

I see my patterns of always being with men or having friends who will abandon me like my parents always did. I don't blame them and never will because they came from the same chaos, but the only way to heal is to acknowledge it all.

suncatcher

Surround yourself with positive people that enhance your life and start taking care of you! Recognize your worth and all your amazing qualities! Don't let conversations with your mom drag you down. She is used to playing that role and never got therapy. You did and are a survivor! Hugs!!

suncatcher

There is a great book called How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern that addresses abandonment issues. It was helpful to me and thought I would suggest it