The overwhelming loneliness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
The overwhelming loneliness
So I've not posted in what seems like such a long time, thought about it but havent.
I think I've been in a place of denial if I am honest, still having loose contact from axbf and hoping that it will all end in happiness. At the same time I met a guy, a bit younger than myself, we became friends and it developed to what I thought was a little more than this- I'm not sure he thinks the same, in fact I'm not sure what he thinks and that's the problem. We spent a lot of time together , he seemed to heavily pursue me, always want to be around me and then it just fizzles to nothing- one minute he's hot the next cold, and I feel as if this is just bringing out real deep feelings of loneliness and abandonment in me.
While I have spent time with him I have felt happy, I have felt like yes this is what I need to try and get over the terrible experience I had and put it behind me, but maybe I'm kidding myself? I feel so deeply emotionally scarred by the past experience with axbf that I am open to be badly hurt by this person which is what I think is happening and maybe I am coming across as needy and he's pulled away.
I sit and overanalyse it all, do I like him for him or because I am lonely and needed the comfort of someone else's arms after what I had been through? Does he like me for me or because he is lonely too and has his own things going on?
I get completely mixed signals from him, one minute telling me things and making future plans that involve me, the next nothing.
My head is always in a constant spin and then inevitably I get back to thinking about my axbf. I miss him so much I feel it physically hurts. We haven't had any contact at all now for maybe over a week and every ounce of my being tells me to call him- for what I don't know, I would just like to hear his voice.
I am so lonely, no real friends where I live, my family I think are thinking that because I am no longer hiding in a bedroom sleeping all day and crying that I am ok, I'm not but I can't communicate this. Maybe they think because I met someone that I have been at least socialising with that I am ok, but I'm not.
And all the time I think what have I done with my life, no job, no money, still in love with a man incapable of loving me back and now emotionally invested in someone who can seem to take or leave me when at one point he was so keen.
What is wrong with me?
Why can I not feel happy, fulfilled, why do I get so attached and emotionally involved, why do I bottle my feelings so much that it physically hurts, why do I allow the reactions and feelings of others to have such a profound affect on me? Why do I want for people who can't show me the same back?
I just feel so lonely and lost and like I am never going to be happy again.
I think I've been in a place of denial if I am honest, still having loose contact from axbf and hoping that it will all end in happiness. At the same time I met a guy, a bit younger than myself, we became friends and it developed to what I thought was a little more than this- I'm not sure he thinks the same, in fact I'm not sure what he thinks and that's the problem. We spent a lot of time together , he seemed to heavily pursue me, always want to be around me and then it just fizzles to nothing- one minute he's hot the next cold, and I feel as if this is just bringing out real deep feelings of loneliness and abandonment in me.
While I have spent time with him I have felt happy, I have felt like yes this is what I need to try and get over the terrible experience I had and put it behind me, but maybe I'm kidding myself? I feel so deeply emotionally scarred by the past experience with axbf that I am open to be badly hurt by this person which is what I think is happening and maybe I am coming across as needy and he's pulled away.
I sit and overanalyse it all, do I like him for him or because I am lonely and needed the comfort of someone else's arms after what I had been through? Does he like me for me or because he is lonely too and has his own things going on?
I get completely mixed signals from him, one minute telling me things and making future plans that involve me, the next nothing.
My head is always in a constant spin and then inevitably I get back to thinking about my axbf. I miss him so much I feel it physically hurts. We haven't had any contact at all now for maybe over a week and every ounce of my being tells me to call him- for what I don't know, I would just like to hear his voice.
I am so lonely, no real friends where I live, my family I think are thinking that because I am no longer hiding in a bedroom sleeping all day and crying that I am ok, I'm not but I can't communicate this. Maybe they think because I met someone that I have been at least socialising with that I am ok, but I'm not.
And all the time I think what have I done with my life, no job, no money, still in love with a man incapable of loving me back and now emotionally invested in someone who can seem to take or leave me when at one point he was so keen.
What is wrong with me?
Why can I not feel happy, fulfilled, why do I get so attached and emotionally involved, why do I bottle my feelings so much that it physically hurts, why do I allow the reactions and feelings of others to have such a profound affect on me? Why do I want for people who can't show me the same back?
I just feel so lonely and lost and like I am never going to be happy again.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Big hugs, Jane. I know exactly how this feels and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I had to give up the idea that a relationship could save me.
I had to accept that until I was comfortable alone, I could not find happiness with another person.
The "You complete me" thing from Jerry Maguire? It's a crock, my friend. You complete yourself.
Therapy + time + space from other relationships was what I needed to build a foundation of independence and self-reliance so I could grow into a healthy person who was actually ready to share my life with someone else. By the time I grew into that person, a relationship with someone else was no longer a priority for me. I ended up meeting someone and marrying them, but if I hadn't, I know that I would have been okay on my own. I was not finally good enough for someone else. I was good enough for me.
I had to give up the idea that a relationship could save me.
I had to accept that until I was comfortable alone, I could not find happiness with another person.
The "You complete me" thing from Jerry Maguire? It's a crock, my friend. You complete yourself.
Therapy + time + space from other relationships was what I needed to build a foundation of independence and self-reliance so I could grow into a healthy person who was actually ready to share my life with someone else. By the time I grew into that person, a relationship with someone else was no longer a priority for me. I ended up meeting someone and marrying them, but if I hadn't, I know that I would have been okay on my own. I was not finally good enough for someone else. I was good enough for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry you are hurting. I am going to tell you what I told someone else today. Until you are in a place that you are happy being YOU, it just won't work. You are just emotionally investing in someone else instead of doing the work to get to a good place with yourself.
Why don't you have friends where you live? It sounds like you need to put yourself out there. What do you like to do, or what have you always wanted to try? A class of some sort, etc. Go!! Do it!! Do things you like to do and you will meet people you have things in common with. Join a group, etc.
It also sounds like you could use some counseling. That is nothing to be ashamed of, I am a poster child for counseling. I think everyone could use some! Seriously, it would help.
I think you need to be open and honest with your family. When you go around hiding secrets it breeds unhappiness and anxiety. Let them know you could really use their support during this hard time for you.
Hugs to you. Keep posting, you are not alone! We are here and care about you!
Why don't you have friends where you live? It sounds like you need to put yourself out there. What do you like to do, or what have you always wanted to try? A class of some sort, etc. Go!! Do it!! Do things you like to do and you will meet people you have things in common with. Join a group, etc.
It also sounds like you could use some counseling. That is nothing to be ashamed of, I am a poster child for counseling. I think everyone could use some! Seriously, it would help.
I think you need to be open and honest with your family. When you go around hiding secrets it breeds unhappiness and anxiety. Let them know you could really use their support during this hard time for you.
Hugs to you. Keep posting, you are not alone! We are here and care about you!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
(((Hugs)))
It's like going from the frying pan into the fire. Here's what I've learned. When I guy wants to be with you, there are no mixed signals. This one sounds like he likes the chase not the capture. I don't know how much younger he is, but this is a very young mans game. If you want to be friends, keep it there and no further. Don't put all your eggs into one basket. Make friends, go out and have fun just for you! Then one day you'll meet a guy that won't keep you guessing and will be as emotionally invested as you are
It's like going from the frying pan into the fire. Here's what I've learned. When I guy wants to be with you, there are no mixed signals. This one sounds like he likes the chase not the capture. I don't know how much younger he is, but this is a very young mans game. If you want to be friends, keep it there and no further. Don't put all your eggs into one basket. Make friends, go out and have fun just for you! Then one day you'll meet a guy that won't keep you guessing and will be as emotionally invested as you are
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
If this is the sort of person you fall for, you might have a type.
This article is really dense, but it addresses push-pull and family of origin stuff in great depth.
DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
Secondly, here is a link to push-pull behaviors which are also addressed in the above article but it is buried.
Out of the FOG - Push-Pull Behavior
I'm a total sucker for this type. One reason I have not left my relationship is I can pick these guys out and attract them and not even fully be aware that this is what I am DOING! ACK!
This article is really dense, but it addresses push-pull and family of origin stuff in great depth.
DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
Secondly, here is a link to push-pull behaviors which are also addressed in the above article but it is buried.
Out of the FOG - Push-Pull Behavior
I'm a total sucker for this type. One reason I have not left my relationship is I can pick these guys out and attract them and not even fully be aware that this is what I am DOING! ACK!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Jane11, I agree with what everyone is saying here. I think you have to look inward for your happiness. What kind of job would you enjoy? What are your hobbies and interests? Maybe put in one application a week until you find the right job. I used to look to others for approval and happiness then like sparklekitty said I took a break from relationships and learned how to be comfortable and happy just being alone. I am glad you are here and working through these feelings you are having. That is the first step! Keep reading and posting and you will find a lot of support here!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
If you have no belief in your achievements, no job, no money and no real friends around - it is very difficult to have much to bring to a relationship. Ironically, any relationship you have while you're in this situation will assume a great importance to you - because it's such a huge part of your life - which it may not have for the other person. And also, if we're very needy then we're likely to attract partners who tend to take rather than give. It's one of those paradoxes that the fewer needs we have going into a relationship, the more likely we are to get them met.
The good news is that the way out of it lies in your hands.
You may be suffering from depression; it might be worth checking this out because sometimes meds can be very helpful in the short term - digging ourselves out of ruts and just getting out there - even if we don't want to take them in the long term. Counselling may help, too. However, if you don't start doing things differently then no real changes will happen.
You know your situation better than any of us, of course. With your acquaintances, are any of them worth getting to know better? Do you attend Alanon meetings? They can be an enormous source of support, especially if you don't have any friends right now. It's a spiritual program, and it certainly sounds as though your spirits are low.
Nobody, no relationship, can fill that inner void other than ourselves. But there are plenty of resources to help us reconnect with our own energy - real loneliness arises from being out of touch with ourselves.
The good news is that the way out of it lies in your hands.
You may be suffering from depression; it might be worth checking this out because sometimes meds can be very helpful in the short term - digging ourselves out of ruts and just getting out there - even if we don't want to take them in the long term. Counselling may help, too. However, if you don't start doing things differently then no real changes will happen.
You know your situation better than any of us, of course. With your acquaintances, are any of them worth getting to know better? Do you attend Alanon meetings? They can be an enormous source of support, especially if you don't have any friends right now. It's a spiritual program, and it certainly sounds as though your spirits are low.
Nobody, no relationship, can fill that inner void other than ourselves. But there are plenty of resources to help us reconnect with our own energy - real loneliness arises from being out of touch with ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
If this is the sort of person you fall for, you might have a type.
This article is really dense, but it addresses push-pull and family of origin stuff in great depth.
DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
Secondly, here is a link to push-pull behaviors which are also addressed in the above article but it is buried.
Out of the FOG - Push-Pull Behavior
I'm a total sucker for this type. One reason I have not left my relationship is I can pick these guys out and attract them and not even fully be aware that this is what I am DOING! ACK!
This article is really dense, but it addresses push-pull and family of origin stuff in great depth.
DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?
Secondly, here is a link to push-pull behaviors which are also addressed in the above article but it is buried.
Out of the FOG - Push-Pull Behavior
I'm a total sucker for this type. One reason I have not left my relationship is I can pick these guys out and attract them and not even fully be aware that this is what I am DOING! ACK!
Thanks for posting this link. Apparently I am much more screwed up than I thought I was.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
I withheld my number and called axbf earlier today just so I could hear his voice, he was 100% sober
I hung up
Why could he not be sober for me, why has he cut me right out now if he is sober, it was all alie his love for me
I have cried on and off all day, I feel so low
I have a job interview tomorrow that I am absolutely dreading I keep getting palpitations thinking about it, whether I will just have an emotional breakdown in it, whether if I even do get a job I am in the right headspace right now
Heard nothing from the other guy all day, clearly he's just blanking me too because I am such a horrible mess of a person, although all I tried to do was build a friendship with him or so I thought and he was keener than me when it began
I just feel horrible, an emotional wreck, unsure of how I even move on with my life
Just a few days ago I was out having fun with a new male friend, today I am broken by everything all over again wanting to run back to the arms of my axbf
I am so f#*ked up
I can't even try and rearrange my job interview as I know my family would go crazy at me, wish I hadn't even said I had one now.
I'm in a catch 22 I need to move on and I need the money but mentally I feel more messed up than before and not ready for anything
Thanks for your responses as always, I read and I try to take in. May not seem like that right now in my response, I just feel so emotionally vulnerable and I've allowed myself to get caught up by a person all over again so now instead of one burden on my heart and mind I have two
I don't undestand people, I don't understand any of it
I hung up
Why could he not be sober for me, why has he cut me right out now if he is sober, it was all alie his love for me
I have cried on and off all day, I feel so low
I have a job interview tomorrow that I am absolutely dreading I keep getting palpitations thinking about it, whether I will just have an emotional breakdown in it, whether if I even do get a job I am in the right headspace right now
Heard nothing from the other guy all day, clearly he's just blanking me too because I am such a horrible mess of a person, although all I tried to do was build a friendship with him or so I thought and he was keener than me when it began
I just feel horrible, an emotional wreck, unsure of how I even move on with my life
Just a few days ago I was out having fun with a new male friend, today I am broken by everything all over again wanting to run back to the arms of my axbf
I am so f#*ked up
I can't even try and rearrange my job interview as I know my family would go crazy at me, wish I hadn't even said I had one now.
I'm in a catch 22 I need to move on and I need the money but mentally I feel more messed up than before and not ready for anything
Thanks for your responses as always, I read and I try to take in. May not seem like that right now in my response, I just feel so emotionally vulnerable and I've allowed myself to get caught up by a person all over again so now instead of one burden on my heart and mind I have two
I don't undestand people, I don't understand any of it
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