Kick in the pants
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
Kick in the pants
I've gotten complacent. Over 80 days now, and with 3 months approaching I've been entertaining thoughts of drinking after hitting that mark. Then, of course, I think "when you hit 90, might as well stick it out and make triple digits." Okay, so I'll hit 100. Then what? Celebrate with a big ol' vodka binge? Maybe it could just be a quick 3 day affair, then pick up where I left off. You know, just a short stint in a blissful, mind-numbing oasis in what seems to be a vast desert of "blah" and "whatever" days.
My mind has been wandering back to the drink more the last few weeks than it ever did the first couple of months. Every day, pretty much.
I wake up not hungover (or still drunk, as was often the case in the past), and that's nice. I've lost a bunch of weight, so that's good too. Reading a lot, learning new things, getting back in to hobbies. Check, check, and check.
Anyway, point is, I've let that sonofabitch AV back in and it's been needling away at me about "future drinking". I know it's a bad idea. I understand that there is no way of knowing if I would make it back from another binge at all.
I need a swift hard kick in the pants, so...let the pants-kicking begin!
My mind has been wandering back to the drink more the last few weeks than it ever did the first couple of months. Every day, pretty much.
I wake up not hungover (or still drunk, as was often the case in the past), and that's nice. I've lost a bunch of weight, so that's good too. Reading a lot, learning new things, getting back in to hobbies. Check, check, and check.
Anyway, point is, I've let that sonofabitch AV back in and it's been needling away at me about "future drinking". I know it's a bad idea. I understand that there is no way of knowing if I would make it back from another binge at all.
I need a swift hard kick in the pants, so...let the pants-kicking begin!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I've got no pants kickin' for ya, but I will tell you something that I've learned.
I have "left sobriety" many times in my adulthood. It always starts with planning, and some arbitrary fixation on a "meaningful milestone." I will stay sober until...100 days, two years, I finish Grad School, vacation, my wedding...insert anything you want here...
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out where this comes from. I'm someone who has lots of interests and hobbies, loves my life, is involved with recovery communities, etc.
Don't know. I just know that this is my AV's style. He suggests a DATE to drink, and then slowly builds justifications toward that moment. I'm not someone who succumbs to an unexpected craving, or finds myself mysteriously in the liquor store looking at bottles longingly, or takes a drink while sobbing through heartbreak. Nope, not me. What you are describing is EXACTLY how MY AV communicates.
And all I can tell you is that whatever the date or event is that I build up this "decision to drink for" - it is never SO special that it is worthy of losing the continuity of my sobriety.
I can't use the fear of reality technique (jails, institutions, and death), because - frankly - none of that has ever happened to me. I'm a quiet drinker who doesn't typically get into trouble.
What DOES happen is that after the magical drinking date, I just keep going. I have pride issues. It can take a year or two for me to work myself up to approach recovery again. I lose the relationships in AA. I justify the whole drinking thing to myself and to others brilliantly (because I DECIDED, see...and I'm not an alcoholic, see...).
I lose the enthusiasm for recovery, the energy to even bother. I switch my crowd and it doesn't matter any more. I lose all that hope and excitement, and the whole thing is kind of sad. Most importantly, in all these years, that "big day" has never ever lived up to the fantasy of what I think it is going to feel like. Afterward, I always think - "wow, I could have enjoyed my birthday dinner in the fancy restaurant just as much sober, and now I have to start my whole scene over again..." It is just a giant anti-climax.
Like breaking up with a fabulous guy who is decent in bed, but that's maybe not his strong suit. But he is charming and loving and kind and successful and thoughtful. And you meet some clown who you're attracted to and because you're trying to be honorable, you actually break up with your boyfriend before you hang out with the super-seductive guy. But then when you finally get together with Mr. Seductive, it turns out that he's not actually riveting in bed either. And he's an ass. And he doesn't call you back. And the prospect of going back to your wonderful boyfriend is daunting and embarrassing, because you were so wrong. And even if you do get up the courage to go back, how many times can you leave him and come back before it is just too much and you stop even asking his forgiveness? In the end, you lost all the love and good stuff, and got absolutely nothing in return.
That's how I think of it. Fantasy, just fantasy. Smoke which you cannot grab with your hand. Illusions that you are willing to throw away solid things for...
I have "left sobriety" many times in my adulthood. It always starts with planning, and some arbitrary fixation on a "meaningful milestone." I will stay sober until...100 days, two years, I finish Grad School, vacation, my wedding...insert anything you want here...
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out where this comes from. I'm someone who has lots of interests and hobbies, loves my life, is involved with recovery communities, etc.
Don't know. I just know that this is my AV's style. He suggests a DATE to drink, and then slowly builds justifications toward that moment. I'm not someone who succumbs to an unexpected craving, or finds myself mysteriously in the liquor store looking at bottles longingly, or takes a drink while sobbing through heartbreak. Nope, not me. What you are describing is EXACTLY how MY AV communicates.
And all I can tell you is that whatever the date or event is that I build up this "decision to drink for" - it is never SO special that it is worthy of losing the continuity of my sobriety.
I can't use the fear of reality technique (jails, institutions, and death), because - frankly - none of that has ever happened to me. I'm a quiet drinker who doesn't typically get into trouble.
What DOES happen is that after the magical drinking date, I just keep going. I have pride issues. It can take a year or two for me to work myself up to approach recovery again. I lose the relationships in AA. I justify the whole drinking thing to myself and to others brilliantly (because I DECIDED, see...and I'm not an alcoholic, see...).
I lose the enthusiasm for recovery, the energy to even bother. I switch my crowd and it doesn't matter any more. I lose all that hope and excitement, and the whole thing is kind of sad. Most importantly, in all these years, that "big day" has never ever lived up to the fantasy of what I think it is going to feel like. Afterward, I always think - "wow, I could have enjoyed my birthday dinner in the fancy restaurant just as much sober, and now I have to start my whole scene over again..." It is just a giant anti-climax.
Like breaking up with a fabulous guy who is decent in bed, but that's maybe not his strong suit. But he is charming and loving and kind and successful and thoughtful. And you meet some clown who you're attracted to and because you're trying to be honorable, you actually break up with your boyfriend before you hang out with the super-seductive guy. But then when you finally get together with Mr. Seductive, it turns out that he's not actually riveting in bed either. And he's an ass. And he doesn't call you back. And the prospect of going back to your wonderful boyfriend is daunting and embarrassing, because you were so wrong. And even if you do get up the courage to go back, how many times can you leave him and come back before it is just too much and you stop even asking his forgiveness? In the end, you lost all the love and good stuff, and got absolutely nothing in return.
That's how I think of it. Fantasy, just fantasy. Smoke which you cannot grab with your hand. Illusions that you are willing to throw away solid things for...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I am trying to pull myself back onto the wagon after thinking I could have a few drinks and then easily just quit again.... it's harder to get that resolve back the second time around. I think you should just keep pushing through, I know I wish I had. I was also feeling vast desert of blah but a lot of people on here said they did too and that it eventually improved. I think you should give it more time 
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
From my experience at least, there is no such a thing as a "blissful, mind numbing oasis" left for me with alcohol. Rather, it's an anxiety ridden, panic-stricken time of drinking to simply avoid withdrawals. Some can hang on for a bit but for me, it's all or nothing....sobriety or constant drunken sorrow. It doesn't even feel good from the first drink, because I know exactly what will follow.
I'm at around 2 years plus and still find solace and help in visiting SR daily. I need to remind myself too because those thoughts do creep up. Just the other week I ran into the brewmaster from my old favorite brewpub at the grocery store. He knows why I don't come around anymore and is very polite and gracious about it, but damn if I didn't ask him what he was brewing lately just out of habit. But I know for a fact that if I had just one of those "good brews" to taste....I'd be picking up a 30 pack of cheap stuff on the way home to keep my BAC at that certain level all evening and night long.
It's simply not an option for me...hope you can come to that conclusion too.
I'm at around 2 years plus and still find solace and help in visiting SR daily. I need to remind myself too because those thoughts do creep up. Just the other week I ran into the brewmaster from my old favorite brewpub at the grocery store. He knows why I don't come around anymore and is very polite and gracious about it, but damn if I didn't ask him what he was brewing lately just out of habit. But I know for a fact that if I had just one of those "good brews" to taste....I'd be picking up a 30 pack of cheap stuff on the way home to keep my BAC at that certain level all evening and night long.
It's simply not an option for me...hope you can come to that conclusion too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
I'm sure that if I were to open that floodgate, I would then put off getting sober again for...however long, maybe forever. What's another couple of days before really getting things straightened out?
Really need to get this in check. Can't keep entertaining these thoughts.
Really need to get this in check. Can't keep entertaining these thoughts.
A.K.A Bri
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 159
*insert swift kick in the pants*
This is a mirror image of me a few months ago.
I had passed my 100 day mark and developed a feeling of invincibility. I was in a very happy place and was totally proud of my sobriety, but also dealing with thoughts here and there of drinking ["responsibly," of course...] Then I went out for dinner with a few friends - one of who was totally aware of my sobriety journey. Everyone at dinner ordered drinks and when they came, I started feeling like maybe I should too. Not to "fit in" but because I felt I had a handle on things. I texted my friend who knew what I was going through [so that I didn't have to share it with everyone else] and told her that I wanted one too. Her and I agreed that I had accomplished a lot and "deserved" to celebrate with just one. So I did it. And I was able to stop there. That, however, led to a few more over the next few weeks which led to even more... To the point where over the past few months, things have spiraled back out of control and here I am on day two. Trust me when I say IT ISN'T WORTH IT! Stay strong, do not listen to that alcoholic voice, and remember all that you have to lose as well as all the bad that will come as a result of you going back down that road. One drink or one "fun" week/end will lead to more and you don't want or need that. Remember there's a reason you quit in the first place.
Bri
This is a mirror image of me a few months ago.
I had passed my 100 day mark and developed a feeling of invincibility. I was in a very happy place and was totally proud of my sobriety, but also dealing with thoughts here and there of drinking ["responsibly," of course...] Then I went out for dinner with a few friends - one of who was totally aware of my sobriety journey. Everyone at dinner ordered drinks and when they came, I started feeling like maybe I should too. Not to "fit in" but because I felt I had a handle on things. I texted my friend who knew what I was going through [so that I didn't have to share it with everyone else] and told her that I wanted one too. Her and I agreed that I had accomplished a lot and "deserved" to celebrate with just one. So I did it. And I was able to stop there. That, however, led to a few more over the next few weeks which led to even more... To the point where over the past few months, things have spiraled back out of control and here I am on day two. Trust me when I say IT ISN'T WORTH IT! Stay strong, do not listen to that alcoholic voice, and remember all that you have to lose as well as all the bad that will come as a result of you going back down that road. One drink or one "fun" week/end will lead to more and you don't want or need that. Remember there's a reason you quit in the first place.
Bri
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
When the AV gets strong, it's time to stay close to support, because for me my mind could convince me of anything in the first few months of Sobriety, in isolation things would never end well, instead having something around like SR for a second opinion on things was vital!!
Hang in there and keep pushing through!!
Hang in there and keep pushing through!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
Don't even know what else to say. I'm fighting this. Obsessing about the future is probably not the best thing for me. I won't be drinking today. Just wanted to put this out there, as it's been weighing heavily on me lately.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I've learned to never take anything for granted regarding this disease of alcoholism. If you were to begin a 3-day binge, there is no guarantee that your body would allow you to recover this time. We are not invincible. And, yes, allowing a crack to let the AV start planning the future is troublesome. I have found that "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle showed me a way of (trying) to stay in the moment, or at least in the day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 351
My self slap in the face is to replay the key bad times that I've stored in a very special part of my brain, feelings, thoughts, panic and all…
And then I think of the loss of momentum and despair that having to start all over would trigger.
Anna, your reading recommendations are always spot on!!! Thanks
And then I think of the loss of momentum and despair that having to start all over would trigger.
Originally Posted by Anna 
I
I have found that "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle showed me a way of (trying) to stay in the moment, or at least in the day.
I have found that "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle showed me a way of (trying) to stay in the moment, or at least in the day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Originally Posted by heartcore
That's how I think of it. Fantasy, just fantasy. Smoke which you cannot grab with your hand. Illusions that you are willing to throw away solid things for...
Be prepared to deal with these thoughts for a while SDH73. Im six months in and they still come and go but aren't a constant annoyance.
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