johnno1

He knows I know he has a problem, he pretty much telling me to get over it etc I'm sensitive, I'm not intimate, I'm negative which is all quite true.
But he's getting more and more defensive and so so angry, he totally hates me and I'm being pleasant and not blaming, gentle and not arguing. But I hate hearing all the insults he says about me in the marriage like my, intimacy, procrastination anything really he can find a fault with me.
I beleive it and start doubting if it really is the drinking maybe it is me being hard work. Then I get strong and think it's bs. But at the end of the day he really thinks it's mostly me, yes he he says he drinks a bit but not that much.

It's making me so so emotional I'm going al alon now had to have a break and stay away tonight.

How can I NOT take on what he says, i take it so personally but deep down I know he's right?

searching peace

Please read the book 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. Someone on here recommended it to me. I just started reading it. But I think you would get a lot out of it as I have begun to.
Don't take anything he says to heart or as the truth. In my humble opinion, he is trying to take the focus off of him and his issues and blame shift them on to you. I know it is like daggers in your heart to hear those negative words. But read the posts on this forum and you will quickly learn he is saying the exact things most of our A's have and do say to us. It is what they do. It truly has nothing to do with you or anything you have done or not done. I am only learning at this point. So I'm not he best person to answer your questions. But I do think you might gain some insight from reading the book I suggested. Another book that I found helpful was 'codependent no more.' By melody Beattie. Sending you hugs! And I wish I could send you earplugs to not have to listen to his spewing garbage.

Fathom

Hugs, Johnno. It's just crazy making.

Honestly, I had gone through a phase (multiple phases) of believing everything he said. I couldn't do anything right, and I was a lazy, demanding, prudish b****. My self-esteem was really torn down. Eventually, it became more obvious that he wasn't really capable of logical reasoning anymore. He would not remember entire conversations we had had not ten minutes prior. His arguments were ludicrous, and I completely lost my respect for him. That is the moment I began to detach and dismiss everything he said. It wasn't compassionate detachment. I was in survival mode. I had to choose who's truth to believe, and I chose my own.

After reading a bit more around here, I realized that my AH's perspective on me was not at all unbiased or objective. And so, I should take all insults with about a gallon of salt. Those insults were not really about me at all, actually. They were a twisted form of self-hate on his part. Nearly all of the complaints he had about me were actually his own issues projected on to me. When they do that, it's doubly confusing.

Over time, I have discovered compassion for him and I respect his right to his own choices. But I have only reached that point after three years of no contact.

I think the goal (whether you still live with the A or not) is compassion and self-confidence. It's much more challenging to achieve those things when you are stuck in the thick of the drama. That is why going no contact for a bit is often suggested here. It is the quickest way to minimize the drama and give yourself some perspective. Al Anon and other recovery programs can teach you some other techniques for detaching and minimizing drama with the A.

Peace,
Fathom

johnno1

Thank you both I'll look those books up. I really like the saying you've written I have to believe my words or his. Well that's obvious to me. I'm a mum of 3 not easy re no contact. I'll get there I know I will....I have to or ill go crazy no ****!
Thank you both very much
Goodluck with your own journeys thanks for sharing xxxxx

maybear

Hi johnno
My husband would do this too. He would twist things around so quickly and just come up with the wildest accusations. It would totally take the focus off him and his issues as well as give him a (false) justification for continuing to do what he wanted to do.
Having a discussion or argument with him, I always felt my brain was going to explode. I just couldn't get my head around where and why all this stuff coming out of his mouth was coming from. I felt completely bewildered and pushed to my limits.
If you can, for your own sanity, try not to engage. Know that he is just trying to find reasons to justify his drinking.
Of course you are not going to want to be intimate etc. you start to lose respect for someone when they lose respect for themselves and treat their body and soul as they do.

LeeJane

Hi Johnno

I hear you. It drive can drive you nuts if you let it. Thing is, us alkies will say or do anything to make it not OUR fault when we drink!! In our head that is. In reality it is our choice and decision every time we pick up a drink. When I was active, I was sure it was my hubs fault!!! Not at all! Rolls eyes.

I quit about 4 years ago. My first step was admitting it was my responsibility and that I could not blame other people, places or things.

My hub is a still an active A.

I went to Al-anon and learn the technique of 'detaching with love' as well as so much more. I also, more recently can across the 'medium chill' technique which I love and use it all the time now.

Not sure if we are allowed to attach links so I wont. But if you were interested you can just google them

I particularly like 'Medium Chill' as it can be used in pretty much every situation with all sorts of people. Engage but protect yourself from taking on other people stuff!

LexieCat

It can also help when you recognize it's the EXACT SAME litany of complaints over and over.

Think of it as a script he has in his head: "OK, here's the part about how I don't do anything around the house--check! And the part where I'm just like my mom--check! And now we'll feature the excuse-of-the day. Which one will it be? Oooh, it was his SOB of a boss--haven't heard that one in a while, guess it has been out of rotation." I mean, really, if you make a little game of it you can see how predictable it all is. Takes some of the sting out of it.

FireSprite

My personal experience was a like this as well. RAH threw a lot of self-hate at me, disguised as legit complaints. I *was* negative, I had gotten to a point where I was always reactive/defensive to his behavior. I refused to drop the rope because the tug of war made no sense to me, so I actively participated in the madness. I wasn't this person in other parts of my life though, and eventually I started to see a real separation between myself as his spouse & myself as an individual. 2 totally different people.

Eventually I started to see this separation - in other parts of my life (work, kid) people praised me for positivity, etc. How could that be if RAH was constantly accusing me of the exact opposite? I started to see the dichotomy that existed in my life. On the same day I had a client call & tell me she liked calling JUST to hear my positivity & that evening AH declared me the most negative person to ever live. They couldn't both be right.

So I started changing what he said in my mind - every time he used the word *You*, I changed it to *I*. And then his words made a lot of sense. It was almost creepy how it aligned perfectly with his own self-hate, guilt & poor behaviors. (And like Lexi said, it eventually starts to sound scripted & the tone of the barrage changes when you no longer accept it personally.) It was hard to stand my ground while he was actively drinking & I didn't get clarity on this until he was sober & could admit that yes, he often had zero basis for his words. He often threw everything at me he could just to see what would stick & keep me off-kilter. At the time, it wasn't a conscious decision for him, just another expression of how far one's addictive voice can push them behaviorally.

FireSprite

Never heard this phrase before, very interesting. Thank you!

dandylion

Johnno....I know that this has been going on for quite some time. How much of this are your children hearing? Do they see you getting upset?

I don't know your children's ages...but, I remember so clearly that my children were very upset when their father said derogatory things about me.

dandylion

searching peace

[QUOTE="LeeJane;5301576"I also, more recently can across the 'medium chill' technique which I love and use it all the time.

I just googled this. It is a wonderful tool. Thank you! I even copied the link and sent it to my son to help him in dealing with his dad. My first husband, who is a narcissist. Thank you for sharing that.

fluffyflea

Here,this is my experience, strength and hope with this.

At one time during a situation for quite a few months I was made out to be the bad guy even though the other party was behaving totally irrationally and like a colossal jerk.
I was told I was everything under sun and it was my problem to the point I started to believe it. So really thinking it was me I did a fourth step inventory found some stuff I could change and worked on it.

Only thing was when all the hens came home to roost so to speak, I found out a bunch of stuff that had been going on during that time and I realized that it wasn't me all along that he had been saying that stuff to deflect from his very inappropriate behaviour ie lying outrightly or by omission,totally disrespecting me about something I asked him not to do etc etc.

So my point is it's most likely deflection and he'll focus on all the negative to make you look and feel bad so he doesn't have to focus on himself.

Bullfrog

Do they all have the same script somewhere?

fluffyflea

Yes and it's not just Alcoholics it's any person who doesn't want to be accountable and accept reonsibility.

healthyagain

They have to minimize your accomplishment to feel better about themselves.

NYCDoglvr

Good idea, Alanon. I learned about setting boundaries and halting the verbal abuse. At the same time, I had to stop criticizing him (much easier than dealing with my own issues).

johnno1

Thanks fab advice once again thank you all so much :-)
Dandy lion no kids don't see me upset hense why I had a break last night I just went away and cried and cried let it all out.
No they havnt heard him say these things to me apart from my daughter hearing him say I never make him happy ;-( but 10 mins later she said look dad mums smiling. Oh god terrible

I guess bringing up drinking and I'm not wanting to live with a heavy drinker has all his defence emotions up and he's pissed off. In our normal days he never speaks to me like this its just when I speak up of the drink. My focus will be to detach god knows how hell be stomping around grumpy outside and I just got be happy and play with kids xxx

Mango blast

johnno,

Does it seem like emotional and verbal abuse? Your local Domestic Violence Center is a valuable resource of support. Calling them is completely confidential.

ErinGoBragh

Of course his drinking bothers you. My husband's drinking got progressively worse to the point I was going crazy. And if I brought it up to him as to why our marriage was falling apart, he was on the brink of losing his job, and his health was failing, I got met with tremendous rage.

That's when I RAN to Al-Anon. My attempts to make him see the light made me crazy. Him? He was already crazy, just getting crazier.

My own strength came in truly realizing his disease was speaking to me, not the man I married. That hurt. I missed the nice guy I married.

I eventually left after five years of abuse and craziness. I was finally able to understand my problems were mine, but the stuff he accused me of was meant to diffuse his own problems. After all, he was in deep denial about everything - his drinking, his issues, his problems ... Sad, but true.

torquemax777

On the other side of the coin, it can be just as perplexing when they "own it." My AH completely admits he's a drunk and wants to drink. Says he's getting to the point where he hates all people, doesn't want to be married, just wants to be alone with no responsibilities besides himself.

All well and good except I still have to save A LOT of money before I can "leave" and since he's a binge drinker a few times a month, the "in between" times he says all of that is BS and he only says that stuff to "protect" me because if he's a sinking ship he doesn't want me to be collateral damage. But when he says it drunk, he sure makes me seem/feel like a lot of heavy baggage and that his life would be a lot more simple if he didn't have to "take care" of me!