beachygirl

Found this site by mistake, but am so thankful, just for the support that I have been reading that was offered. I have a story, so similar, it is scary. I was married for 20 years to a wonderful man and father. The last 2 years he decided to treat his depression with meth and to leave his daughters and me for life on the streets. I had no choice but to ultimately divorce him. It is only in the last year that he has completed rehab and attempted to rebuild his life. Never mind that it has taken me all of that time to attempt to get over him and the damage. Enter a new man...someone I met from my ex's destructive days. We have been friends for 5 years, I helped him through his addictions and incarcerations and he helped me learn about addiction and what it does to a person. Last Fall we decided to cross the line to a relationship as we had such a strong friendship. He had clear goals for himself, seemed extremely happy and committed to a long life together. March he went to his home state to handle a business matter, with intent to return promptly. Two weeks into home visit the textx become odd, the calls become shorter and I find out he and his brother are running around chasing drugs again. Week 3 I receive a text that he "needs space to work on himself as he is mentally unfit to be in a relationship". Next day I see where he is involved with a chick from his old playground. I know I have dodged a bullet and am , at some level thankful, but I have lost my best friend and this has made me feel like crap about me. opinions, please?

zoso77

beachygirl...

Welcome to the Board. Where it's a Saturday night, and it's the day before a holiday, the traffic here is bound to be slow. So if our members don't get to your post right away, don't panic...they will...

In the meantime, here's what I think.

The longer you hang around here, the more stories you will see about people who seemingly get a grip on their addictions, do well for a while, and then suddenly go off the rails again. It's a pretty sad thing to watch, but it happens all the time. For whatever reason, the guy you were dating has gone off the rails. All the "chick from his old playground" does is confirm that his thinking has become very self indulgent, he's making poor choices, and he's indifferent to the consequences of his actions and how they affect others.

Based on this, you shouldn't take what he did personally. He's sick, and sick people do sick things. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.

A word of caution, however. Do not be surprised if, at some point down the road, he contacts you to atone for his misdeeds. Do not fall for that act. He has shown you, by his behavior, what he's all about. Pay attention to it.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down about this, and I get it. I really do. But once you take a step back from it all and look at his behavior for what it is, I'm confident that you'll be able to move past this and start to heal.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

beachygirl

Thank you, Zoso...sometimes it helps to read over and over, what we think we know. The saddest part is the promise I made to try to help him stay clean. We felt that together, he could. When he came to my home last fall, he started smoking pot or drinking to "calm his mind", which I told him was just subbing one problem for another.

I agree with you thoughts on the "other chick" as proof of his choices and irresponsible ways. Just hurts so deeply to believe that he loved me and was committed and very quickly forgot that to be so "desperately" in love with her now. Is that even possible? neither work, have cars, custody of their kids or good records. A match made in heaven!! Was I 'too clean" for him?

He has already contacted me and emphatically denied the other woman exists. WTF!

ladybug152

I agree with,Zoso. I'm sorry your hurt though beachygirl. Its your call though.

beachygirl

Thank you ladybug. I just wish the pain and questioning would stop. As i said in post I know this is the best thing, but losing the friend and being "cast off" is killing me. I miss him terribly! Our only means of communication is through Facebook. What that also does is allows me to be tortured seeing the things he posts, but I hate to sever the tie. Am I the crazy one here? How can she be so important to him so quickly, when the have such crappy lives?

biminiblue

I would definitely block them on FB.

No good comes from torturing yourself with your own thoughts. It's a habit that is best left behind.

You dodged a bullet. She got the same guy you had. It's not going to be peaches and cream for them. Let go.

beachygirl

I agree with everything you said, BB, but putting the plan into action is difficult. Cutting away a friend/lover of 5 years is hard to let go of. I meditate and am trying, but those thoughts....

What if he suddenly has become this wonderful guyfor this new messed up chick? I guess my biggest issue is was I dumped because I was a boring non-user, in his perception? God, this could make a person insane. How do they ever get through the day with altered minds!!!

ladybug152

I know what thats like but you been threw this one time and if it is torturing you then block him off of your fb. Keep yourself busy and it may suck badly but through time it will get easier. I hope you are having a good Easter.

ladyscribbler

What if he suddenly has become this wonderful guy for this new messed up chick? I guess my biggest issue is was I dumped because I was a boring non-user, in his perception? God, this could make a person insane. How do they ever get through the day with altered minds!!!

Crazy + Crazy= Extra Double Super Crazy, not happy, healthy, wonderful relationship.
I'm not a math whiz or anything, but I've seen this dynamic at work with my ex.

I was married for 20 years to a wonderful man and father. The last 2 years he decided to treat his depression with meth and to leave his daughters and me for life on the streets. I had no choice but to ultimately divorce him.

You did the right thing. Sounds like you haven't dealt with this betrayal quite yet.

Losing the friend and being "cast off" is killing me. I miss him terribly!

I don't know that it's him you miss so much as the companionship of being in a relationship, the presence of another person in your life. After the end of a 20 year marriage those are normal feelings. So you tried to fill that emptiness with another relationship, which ended badly.
I used to chase relationships, what I thought was "love", companionship, anything to chase away that lonely, empty feeling that was inside me.
I chased after anything I thought would fix that feeling.
What I used to call love is actually need. The solution to that loneliness was never another person, another relationship. It was working on myself, finding that within me.
I found it through individual therapy and Alanon meetings. Spent some time working on me, looking at what I want and need, getting to know myself, taking care of me.
Glad you're here. Take care and keep posting.

beachygirl

Ladyscribbler, lots that you said is correct. The pain my ex caused left many unanswered questions and even with lots of therapy and tremendous insight I still struggle. The new guy was there for me every day for 5 years. he is the one that was so insistent on his love for me and that we try.

I knew he was a recovering addict, but he seemed so resolute in beating it and staying clean. It seems, in retrospect, that his falling back in was almost too easy. He is also not a sleazy man-***** type, but he does not like to be alone. Was it just convenient that he ran across this chick that had alll the same problems and was willing to hang out and be his "soulmate"?

I was very contented after my divorce 4 yrs ago being single. I stay busy with my career, friends, family and daughters. Ive never needed a man to complete any part of me. However, when you find one you give yourself to and you get ditched, not once but twice for the same problem, you begin to question karma...