Dealing with Visitations
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Dealing with Visitations
It`s been a very long time since I have been active here but my stress level has gone nuclear so it`s time for some SR support. My A ex partner, father of my seven year old, has been out of my life for a good four years now, except for visiting our son. Over the past 4 years he has been in and out of rehab and periodically homeless. I have done my best to allow our son to have a relationship with his dad, barring obvious intoxication. It was supervised on and off by me, as his ability to stay straight for the afternoon varied considerable. For several years I was making the judgement call once a week.
You know how it`s both painfully obvious when the A is messed up, but that there is the gray area where it`s harder to tell and harder to trust yourself especially when dealing with someone who is family and prepared to outright lie and emotionally manipulate you in service of the addiction.
For much of last year ex`s father was around and he supervised the visits. It was great. There were times when the ex was def drunk, but grandpa was there to supervise. I just needed the break.
But now grandpa is gone. Ex still abuses. Worse, he had surgery for a splenic aneurysm (alcohol related I am sure) last winter and ever since he has been physically weakened, suffers memory loss a lot, and best of all appears to be cognitively impaired. I know this sounds like drunk, but it`s more, maybe the longterm affects of abuse? It's very confusing. The dead giveaways I used to rely on, like the glazed eyes, signs like that all look different now. I can't tell if he's been drinking, or if it's the overall deterioration.
And of course, there is still all the quacking.
Basically even though I know I am the sober rational one who is in charge of our son's security and well-being, I am just plain worn out and down from having to confront his A dad every week.
Last week I allowed our son to go to his father's apartment for a few hours, only to be told by the boy that his dad went to sleep and he couldn't wake him up no matter what he did. Add to that, apparently he told our son that mommy doesn't love daddy. (I have never spoken ill of his father to my son, ever.)
I feel like I need to jack up the limited access again. I need some support! I am so worn out!
I was trying to avoid seeking a court order for supervised access. Maybe I need to just put it in the hands of the court. I feel so low about fighting this battle with the ex.
Thanks for the space to write this out. Thanks for being a space where people know what I am talking about.
You know how it`s both painfully obvious when the A is messed up, but that there is the gray area where it`s harder to tell and harder to trust yourself especially when dealing with someone who is family and prepared to outright lie and emotionally manipulate you in service of the addiction.
For much of last year ex`s father was around and he supervised the visits. It was great. There were times when the ex was def drunk, but grandpa was there to supervise. I just needed the break.
But now grandpa is gone. Ex still abuses. Worse, he had surgery for a splenic aneurysm (alcohol related I am sure) last winter and ever since he has been physically weakened, suffers memory loss a lot, and best of all appears to be cognitively impaired. I know this sounds like drunk, but it`s more, maybe the longterm affects of abuse? It's very confusing. The dead giveaways I used to rely on, like the glazed eyes, signs like that all look different now. I can't tell if he's been drinking, or if it's the overall deterioration.
And of course, there is still all the quacking.
Basically even though I know I am the sober rational one who is in charge of our son's security and well-being, I am just plain worn out and down from having to confront his A dad every week.
Last week I allowed our son to go to his father's apartment for a few hours, only to be told by the boy that his dad went to sleep and he couldn't wake him up no matter what he did. Add to that, apparently he told our son that mommy doesn't love daddy. (I have never spoken ill of his father to my son, ever.)
I feel like I need to jack up the limited access again. I need some support! I am so worn out!
I was trying to avoid seeking a court order for supervised access. Maybe I need to just put it in the hands of the court. I feel so low about fighting this battle with the ex.
Thanks for the space to write this out. Thanks for being a space where people know what I am talking about.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
I'm so sorry about this! It's going to be hard, but maybe the court is your only hope now. I can't imagine how terrifying it would be for a child not to be able to rouse dad out of a deep sleep! If he's passed out he's not spending time with him anyway. You have to have someway of protecting your son. Your not limiting his visit with his father nor punishing your ex, youre saving your son from having to play care taker.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
I can only speak from my experience with my child and interactions with my A, I too have been suprised by the ability to appear sober and as if nothing ever happened. I felt like I was the 'crazy' one...so on my way to Al-anon I went. Fortunately I decided to back off, drop the rope, stay in my lane etc. I have child whose need to see this relative (grandparent) doesn't mean I jeopardize their safety, their own sense to trust their gut, and I decided no alone time. Your decision could be supported by the court if you have documentation of addiction or you could end up with mandatory alone time with a dangerous guy. Can you have someone else supervise in a public setting. Like afternoon at a park or something like that?
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