maybear

I was wondering, if your alcoholic spouse (separated or divorced from) wants to see your child or children, how do you go about it?
We have our 11 month old, I know at some point he is going to want to see her but I am certainly not leaving her with him and don't really want him coming to the house. I also don't think it's fair that he can be a part time father, taking no responsibility yet having some say in seeing her...
I know she is not my possession and she is half his too but I also don't want him in and out of her life and obviously, don't want him around her when he has been drinking (which I guess is all the time).
It's really hard, her face lights up when she sees him and I know he has rights too but I don't know how much I can keep her from him and whether that's even fair. I guess we could meet somewhere and he could spend an hour or so with me there.
Anyone have any thoughts or tips? I don't want to be controlling, and I don't want my feelings to get in the way of her relationship with him. But I also want to protect her. He is not violent or volatile, just an unreliable drunk really.

LexieCat

You go to court and get a custody/visitation order. Preferably one that gives you sole physical custody and him supervised visitation if that's the only way she's safe.

Without an order, he has as much right as you do to take her and not bring her back. A court order will spell out rights and obligations, as well as requiring him to make regular child support payments.

Do it. If you can afford a lawyer, hire one. If you can't afford a lawyer, go to your local family court and ask for a "pro se package" of forms for custody/visitation. (Pro se means you are representing yourself.) The package will have instructions on how to fill it out, file it, and serve him.

NYCDoglvr

Yes, sounds like a lawyer should get involved at this point.

maybear

Thanks Lexie Cat. I will contact my local family court.

There hasn't been any drama yet and may not be but I'm just thinking ahead a bit. I haven't even heard from my husband, he's been gone for two weeks, so he may not even bother trying to see her. Always good to be prepared though I guess.

FeelingGreat

Hi Maybear, a lot depends on his attitude. If he wants to see her, and is capable of being sober for those times, I would encourage you to do what you can to facilitate it. It's natural that you would feel resentment and anger towards him, and it's not fair that he can go off and leave you 100% responsibility, but once he's come through this episode he may want to re-establish contact. The fact that he loves her may bring out the best in him, and that will be to her benefit.

You're smart, self-aware and switched on, and I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

maybear

Thank you, Feeling Great!

I think, yes, he will definitely want to see her when he comes out of this episode.

I really hope at some point he does get well for her sake, it's awful to think of having to explain to her when she is older why he is not around. But we'll see.

LittleBirds3

Get a family member or friend to supervise if you don't have a custody order in place.

AliWProk

Personally, we opted out of the court mandating visitation/support when we divorced. For a time, we handled things ourselves well. XAH has 2 kids: our son, 7, and his daughter with another woman, 12. He had court-ordered visitation with the daughter every other weekend. We divorced when the kids were 3 and 8, respectively. I went with his order for his daughter so the kids could see each other, and then he would have his son with him a couple of days during the week. I did not see the daughter much after the divorce, until XAH started drinking heavily and the daughter reported it to her mother. I stopped letting our son go over except on weekends his sister was there, or if was going to be at the grandparents'. We (the mothers) kept our eye on the situation for a time, then insisted on supervised visits at his parents' house. That was the status quo for about a year.

Then it got so bad he was in ICU to detox, thought he might die - 3 times. Relapsed every time he got home. So the mother of the daughter has been to court several times over the past 18 months getting visitation further restricted and trying to get him to pay his support. I have submitted statements to go into the FOC file, and I have volunteered to testify for her if it ever comes to that.

The kids have reported their father passing out (sometimes with a lit cigarette); not knowing if it was day or night and waking them up in the middle of the night; promising to take them places or do things then not; leaving them home alone to go get more booze; refusing to allow daughter to call her mother when **** hit the fan and she wanted to go home - then throwing the phone at her and calling her and her mother HORRIBLE names in front of our son...it goes on and on. They've seen enough.

I will not go to court to get an order. I don't have to. I have already gone to school and daycare to tell them what's up - they will not let son go with his father. His entire family, all of his friends, and everyone he's ever worked for know the deal (it's a smallish city and he's a native from a prominent family - everyone knows him and what's up).

Hell, he doesn't even try to see the kids unless he's so confident he thinks he can fool everyone. Then, when we decline or propose supervised, he gets all angry "Why not?" I go on for an hour telling him about all the inappropriate and downright dangerous behavior he has exposed the kids to, and he comes back with "I have rights, too." So take me to court. I dare you.

He has no money, no job, and not a leg to stand on. Everything is well-documented through his daughter's caseworker. I would never deny any other member of his family the right to see the kids. But they never call, either.

At this point, since we tested his sobriety with the kids in January (he was supposed to do an overnight after 3 months sober. He was NEVER sober, passed out by 7 p.m.), he hasn't been seen or called after the kids. He sent me a quack TEXT last week telling me he is blind. So clearly I have nothing to worry about from him for awhile.

I have given you insight into what your precious baby could experience - alone, no older sister to protect her - in the future. I hope you will take measures to ensure she NEVER has to....

maybear

Thanks, and sorry you have been through so much with your ex AliWProk. I kinda feel the same in that I don't think my husband would be capable and really bothered to go and get a lawyer etc. But I don't know about in the future.

Definitely won't allow my daughter to ever be alone with him when he is drinking.

ladyscribbler

I felt the same way about my ex, and it probably would have been true (he's also end stage, really bad), except he went and got married to an ultimate enabler (his uncle's widow, he now calls his first cousins his stepdaughters). She has instigated a custody fight between me and him- that's apparently a hobby of hers, harassing and intimidating people via the legal system, and I am now in the process of fighting against her supervising our son's visits with his dad. His parents were doing it, but my ex had a falling out with them, plus they don't allow alcohol in their home. We had an informal arrangement, nothing legal or on paper, which is now biting me in the butt.

maybear

Thanks ladyscribbler. That is actually a really good point you make. Who knows who he might find and how that person might influence him.

killerinstinct

My sons face lit up too when he saw his father, my sons was also physically abused by his father whilst drunk , he hit his head on the wooden floor... My son is 2 now. The father may have a legal right but what about 'moral rights here'? He with ruin the kids life if you don't protect her from his crap. Get a mediator, a lawyer do something so he learns to respect you and your child otherwise your child will hate you for this when their older. Protecting her helps him to be a better dad and teaches him how to do the right thing by everyone.

AliWProk

My son is extraordinarily angry with his father. So much so, he wore a hole through a METAL crown he had on a molar. The dentist said he'd never seen that happen.

Florence

My XAH was pretending to be sober, and I had nothing other than a hunch to go by, so I got a lawyer and asked that we have a guardian ad litem look us over, which is really unusual. Usually they're appointed by the court. So the GAL stepped in and I was able to lay out my concerns in a very detailed manner and ask him to look into them. He concluded that my XAH should have 100% supervised visitation and if he met certain treatment benchmarks over six weeks the court would look into giving him unsupervised visitation. I was pissed because six weeks is nothing, but it didn't even take him that long. The court mandated counseling, and XAH was let go of by the counselor when XAH refused to be drug tested. The counselor let him come back, but he was inexplicably let go by the counselor again. The end. 100% supervision in perpetuity.

After that, the only open ends were financial and we were able to settle it quickly.

If you have hard proof of his drinking, like DUIs, rehab visits, arrest records, and a written timeline of your experience with him drinking, I personally recommend this route. If you're not keeping a log of his bad behavior and missed visits, etc., you should be.

Our daughter was 1 year old when we split up for good, and he'd already been caught trying to care for her while he was loaded numerous times. Children need reliable, dependable, consistent, kind and loving parents 100% of the time, and that's a hard enough job sober. It's near impossible to be a good parent when you're using.