HopefulElle

I'm trying to be friends with my exabf and it hurts. It just occured to me that quite simply, I care about him more than he cares about me. He's more important in my life than I am in his. He is very capable of taking me or leaving me, which sadly, was part of his appeal in the first place. I often feel dismissed and controlled by him, like everything about the friendship is on his terms. He decides when we talk, when we hang out, and what we do. I guess I never really realized until now how much this relationship has to revolve around him to remain drama-free. If I were to contact him after being dismissed for the day, or ask him for anything, there would be hell to pay. I'm not sure why I stay in contact with a person who has emotionally abused me, and never once apologized. I feel controlled by him, and scared of him. The sick thing is I think this might be what draws me to him. Things are better than they used to be now that we are only friends, but he still causes me pain. Can anyone relate to this? Should I just cut him out of my life?

HopefulElle

I guess my question is: what would a healthy person do? I think growing up in a dysfunctional home with an ACOA as a mother has affected me in the sense that I don't have healthy rolemodels.

BellaBlue

Your story sounds like mine except I didn't have a clue what was really going on, why things were the way they were. And I married it. For 14 long years. His alcoholism continued to escalate. He was never a good husband or father to our children. I finally got the strength to end it after being emotionally and physically abandoned and beaten down for all those years.

So should you just cut him out of your life? You are asking for opinions, so I say, yes. Do it now before you are in too deep. Go to Al Anon and therapy and work through why you are drawn to this type of behavior.

dandylion

Hopeful.....simply put..."healthy" people move away from relationships with people who have abused them...and, they do it without guilt. to them it is an act of self preservaton which they feel entitled to (and, rightfully so).

dandylion

Duckygirl1

Never make a priority of someone who sees you as an option.

HopefulElle

Thank you, everyone. I guess I just needed to hear it. My friends think as long as I am evading the abuse, it's okay, but it really isn't. I go to Al Anon, and I have spent a fortune on therapy. My next plan is to get a sponsor and work the steps which I have not done. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being so attracted to the dark side.

SparkleKitty

I'm an ACoA too. I spent a lot of time chasing after people who were like my A mother. This was me trying to recreate a relationship and see if I could fix it this time. Prove it wasn't my fault. Mend an old wound.

Healthy people don't try to remain friends with someone who treated them so badly, is the short answer.

People who aren't healthy and know it but want to be healthy? Therapy worked for me. I had to be the best me I could be before I could attract healthy people into my life and have healthy relationships with them. I had to let go of the idea that my broken relationship with my mother was my fault. I had to let go of the idea that I wasn't good enough for anyone because I wasn't good enough for her. I had to let go of the idea that another person could complete me.

NYCDoglvr

Basically you get what you settle for. He's made it clear you're unimportant in his life, that he's not in love with you. He isn't asking you to stay. If this is all you want in life it's a no brainer.

fluffyflea

Yes cut him out.

searching peace

Perfectly said! Thank you!

HopefulElle

SparkleKitty, if it doesn't take too long for you to explain, can you tell me HOW you let go of all those ideas that were holding you back? What kind of therapy did you do? I have been to SO much therapy. At one point, I was so depressed, I was going three times a week--that was a long time ago. It helped me in certain ways, but I've still got a long way to go in my recovery. I tried three different therapists over a seven year period and was never diagnosed as a codependent. I figured that out by reading a self help book (Women Who Love Too Much). I'm reluctant to search for another therapist unless I have some specific type of therapy in mind. I am not in the same financial situation I was before. I can't afford to pay someone to just listen and comfort me anymore.

SparkleKitty

Hopeful, I went into therapy when my first marriage imploded. He was not an A, the problem was me. I self-sabotaged to the point of blowing up my whole life. So I was in a real crisis mode -- I had moved out, and I had gotten involved in another red flag riddled relationship, and I was a complete mess.

I started with marriage counseling but that only lasted a few sessions before that therapist suggested we couldn't get anywhere until we each sorted some things out on our own. I leapt at the chance, my ex did not. (He wasn't an A or anything, just a nice guy who didn't know what the heck was happening to his life, though he was pretty sure it was my fault. He wasn't wrong, and I'm grateful everyday that he and I managed to emerge from our divorce as friends)

So I took the first recommendation for a therapist I got. I wasn't in a position or emotional state to window-shop, and I didn't understand that my issues had anything to do with growing up an ACoA. I was lucky that my therapist and I clicked. I'd say I was in crisis mode for about seven months. It was intense.

When I finally eased out of that crisis mode was when the real work began. It started as all Family of Origin stuff -- admitting that I didn't have the childhood or the parents that I deserved, figuring it out that it wasn't my fault, and learning to see how the behaviors I learned in childhood to adapt to my dysfunctional environment were not serving me in my adult relationships. I treated everyone as if they were a time bomb, and it was my job to make sure they didn't explode.

I was in therapy that time for about five years. I consider it five years spent building my self-esteem from scratch. I am back in therapy now to look at my compulsive eating behaviors. I went back to the same therapist, because I didn't want to get to know someone new, and as it turns out she has a minor specialty in this area.

So I can't really recommend a "type" of therapist, but I do recommend shopping around. I have a great, trusting relationship with mine, and I would never characterize her as someone who just "listens and comforts me." She challenges me when I try to tell a story that isn't true. She knows what my denial looks like. She is gentle, but she pushes. She keeps me apace (I tend to want to rush). She taught me that understanding something and accepting it are not the same thing (I am good at understanding...I am not so great at accepting). She helps me keep perspective when my childhood-learned behaviors want to rush to judgment.

So it wasn't an instantaneous letting go. First I had to get my head around What Happened (the facts of the case, if you will). Then I had to get out from behind my 5-year-old's instinct to make everything my fault -- that took time and practice and mindfulness. Accepting that I didn't have the mother I thought I had, or the mother I deserved...that took longer. I wish I could be more helpful to you, but this is just how it worked for me.

If you really think you've exhausted one-on-one therapy, maybe Al-Anon would be a good place for support and to get you thinking and working on what you want, what you deserve, and what you don't. Sending you strength, courage, and patience. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

HopefulElle

Thank you, Sparklekitty, for taking the time to write all of that. It is very good to be reminded that recovery takes time. I'm also starting to see that staying "healthy" is a continuous work in progress. I am like you, I am really good at understand but not very good at accepting. And I am discovering that I am terrible at letting go which is why I thought the step work might help me.

I do believe in talk therapy but I guess I also believe there are a lot of totally crappy therapists out there who lack integrity, and this might cloud my judgement. I probably didn't shop around enough. I started to see a new therapist about a year ago, but I stopped after a few sessions because she spent half the session making me draw things like "a happy place", etc. Maybe I rushed to judgement but it was costing me a fortune and seemed absurd. She was also judgemental about some (admittedly poor) choices I had made. But the last thing I need is someone judging me. I do that well enough by myself.

I also recently saw another therapist--a man--who specialized in addiction. This was to discuss issues with a family member who was an addict. This therapist had a very strong personality and I felt overwhelmed by him so I stopped that. Over a sixteen year period, I think I have seen about 6 different therapists. I can't say it's been for nothing, but my major breakthroughs have come through my own studying and bodywork. I keep thinking someone is going to refer me to someone amazing but it has not happened.

I totally identified with what you said about people being time bombs you needed to stop from exploding. I always feel like it is my job to save everyone from themself. I'm exhausted and feel defeated, because of course, I can't save anyone. Reminding me that recovery is a marathon helped me see how impatient I am with the process and myself. I had a little light bulb moment. I think if I change my expectations and accept where I am in this process, I might not feel so tired and defeated.

I hope you are doing well with your compulsive eating challenge. I have been stressed lately and found myself turning to food for comfort. I'll be half way through inhaling something to eat and realize I am not even hungry. I've tried to switch to compulsively drinking soda water with lemon which is okay except I am running to the bathroom ten times a day. Peace is elusive.