smc123

Hi, I really feel like I need help.
I feel like I'm falling apart and don't know what to do anymore.

I split with my ex alcoholic fiance a month ago after being together just under a year and I just feel lost.

I've spoken to him a couple of times since the break, basically him just telling me when he has his new counselling sessions and then whether he goes or if he has one and doesn't go because of his drink, him telling me that he needs to see me and me telling him that unless he stops drinking he won't.
I finally thought I was over all this, over him and over the relationship. Finally over him and not wanting him back, ready to find someone better who I deserve. I already lost all my friends because of him and not able to get them back so have absolutely no one to speak to. So I need someone and now I've turned to you.

I thought I was fine until last Saturday when he phoned me upset, drunk, telling me how much he loved and missed me, how he's been so much worse since we split because he lost the best thing that ever happened to him and how he had a counselling session on Thursday (today) and how he "planned to go if he could put off drinking after payday on Monday" he promised me, he said he'd "set all alarms to make sure he'd go" and was determined to go although I didn't believe him and didn't think I wanted him at the time, I am now in tears after phoning him and not getting any answer, knowing he didn't turn up because he was drunk.
I also (stupidly) phoned his dad because I thought there was a small possibility he might have been there as his dad is apparently ill (unlikely, but still...) and all I got was a sarcastic comment from his dad. None of his family care, they even gave him money for his birthday to drink when they know he's an alcoholic! (wtf!?!)

I also have just got a new job which I've taken which is literally on his doorstep. It is literally just outside his tower building! So I'm not sure if I'm likely to run into him at some point too in the future when I start my new job in a months time!

I don't know why I'm so upset. I REALLY want to move on! I don't want an alcoholic who didn't even show me any affection. I want someone who deserves me! I want someone who cares about me! but maybe deep down I still want him? and wish he actually wanted to give up drinking enough to want a future with me?
Maybe I'm just wanting to know I'm worth it because I don't have much self-confidence, although I have more now that I'm away from him it still amazes me how someone can want alcohol more than they want "true love" with a woman they claim to be their only love and the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

I get attacked by his family in the street all because I split up with him because of the drinking. I think this is selfish because why should I put up with him like that? why should they expect me to waste my life like this when they don't bother to help AT ALL they expect me to do all the work when they see him once a month?
But I also hate myself for thinking I was over him until he contacted me and promised me change I knew would never happen, only for me to be sat here upset and disappointed again feeling as though I am nothing. Why do I let him do this to me?! And now I'm actually drinking and feeling sick because I actually never drink! WHY?!

I just want to be over him. I feel like I never will be and it really hurts.
I wish I'd never met him and although it's not nice, I kind of wish his drinking would effect him to the point he was dead and all this would be over with. I feel like such a horrible person thinking that but I also think that's the only way I will feel like I can get past all this.

Tuesday1969

You are not alone, I will be your friend . I just got rid of someone within 3 days of getting together with him, because I knew I value my own happiness more than trying to fix him and his alcoholism

I really really think you need to cut all contact. This means maybe changing your number. You are clearly not the damaged one here, you are not the alcoholic, you are not the one with teh problems. He has caused you enough grief already. Losing friends, a support network means your accountability to other people is non existent.

So you a really really have to cut off every avenue of contact. It is THE only way to protect yourself. He is no longer your responsibility and in fact he never was. He may never stop drinking and so don't waste your life on it

MB0329

You are definitely not alone. I'm struggling with this as well so I know exactly where you're coming from.

Duckygirl1

You are nowhere close to being alone. We all know this pain. You have to go cold turkey, no contact. Your ex's family are enablers and they are exhausted of his drama. You were supposed to come along and take the burden off of them. That's what my xabf's family was up to. But my ex is in rehab so I'm no longer needed.

Katchie

Hi sweetie...Big hugs to you...you WILL be ok.

You ARE worth so much more hon, you are. And of course your self confidence would be suffering loving an alcoholic, it kinda comes with the territory. One of the simplest saying has helped me the most in this area: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. When you try to do or believe any of those 3 things you will start to lose who you are and it doesn't take long for the effects to set in like low self worth and esteem.

Being attacked by his family...well, it may be time to just steer clear of them for your own mental protection. You don't need that. Let them take care of them.

Don't hate yourself for not being quite over him. You do/did love him. Its natural. Go easy on yourself and when you have those feelings bubble up take time to feel them, cry over them, whatever you need to do, just don't stay in it for very long -- just get it out of your system whenever you need and be guilt free about it. Its ok. This is how you get over him. Feel it little by little and the tears and feelings will begin to fade as you heal.

If you haven't already, please look into Alanon for yourself. You'll find great support and understanding. Hugs!

ShootingStar1

You've made a solid decision with your mind to leave a damaging relationship with a guy who just can't choose you over alcohol, and that is your salvation from a life of anguish and pain. It is a good choice. Believe in it.

Your heart will feel what it will feel for a while, and that is normal. For me, having left my alcoholic abusive husband of 20 years almost 3 years ago, I knew I had done what I had to do, but I grieved for all I had lost for a long time. It would come and go in waves, sometimes when I least expected it.

What I knew was as much as my heart ached, my mind was right, and I needed to let myself feel whatever I felt, even while I kept to my decision to leave him and stay gone.

You are choosing to do this to save you many years of future pain, dysfunction, and grief and that is a long term rational thoughtful choice. From my experience, my heart connected to my immediate wrenching emotions, but it was not to be trusted to make valid long term decisions.

The ache and pain does pass. Going no contact helps a great deal because it lets you get centered in your own new and happier life and removes you from those tugs backwards into the abyss of loving someone who cannot truly function as a whole partner. Going no contact can mean no longer paying attention to his family, either.

There is a saying that I think is attributed to Buddha about difficult thoughts that goes something like this: "acknowledge them, but don't invite them to tea".

ShootingStar1

auroraxborealis

I lost my X when he dumped me last June. I lost my fantasy when he got a new gf, and it became evident he was not done, just before Christmas.

I'm still not OK, but I'm getting better.

killerinstinct

Honey one day at a time.. There are days when I look at my ex husbands photos and cry and other days when I am soooo glad he's not my problem and I can do fun things with my life again, days when I hate his guts and days when I cry myself to sleep.. And this has been going on for about 7 months.. For me I know it's going to take a very long time to get over it all.. Until then I'll keep digging my claws into wisdom and knowledge on addiction to see me through the heartache.. It's not you its him that is sick we are just suckers for love

Butterfly

Honey you are not alone. You have only split from this man a month, you are grieving and this can and does take a long time it won't happen overnight, I'm still grieving a year on from my stbxah walking out to drink but it does get better.

You seem a bit like me in that you have such high expectations of yourself, you say you should be over him, it's been a month, you don't get over someone you love in a month. The only thing that saved my sanity was going no contact, his idea, I struggled with it when I tried and always broke it but I realised that after a while I became more clear in my thinking, I wasn't being sucked back in by his I love you, I don't love you, I want to come home but I can't as I can't stop drinking, I've lost the love of my life but we have to get divorced as it's the only way you'll move on. He even wanted me to come to his flat for romantic weekends and dinners!!!! It was all manipulation to keep me hooked, push me away then pull me back in when I moved too far. They are master manipulators.

I understand your fears about your new job, mine bought his apartment 5 minutes from my work!!!!

Think about going no contact, don't answer his calls, texts, don't run after him to check if he's gone to his appointments, if he wants to get better and seek sobriety he will and he won't have to set alarms and hope that he can't drink after pay day. There is nothing you or anyone can do to get him sober, if there was none of us would be here and I know everyone here has tried!

What are you doing for yourself? Have you tried alanon? I avoided it for a year and just stuck with my counselling but I reached a point when I realised I needed more so gave it a go, now I wish I hadn't avoided it for so long!

I wish you peace you can only take one day at a time sometimes I could only go one mi ute at a time, it does get easier I promise you but you have to look after yourself ((((hugs))))

NYCDoglvr

If you don't want your life screwed up by an alcoholic -- and things will continue to deteriorate -- then you have to cut all contact. Regarding your feellings, I suggest Alanon which helped me enormously but with support and learning a lot more about my own codependency.

LadyWitch

Hi sweetie.
Just wanted to let you know that you are absolutely NOT alone. I have been to hell and back with my EXAH. although he has been in recovery for nearly 14 years, his ism shows on a daily basis. I got sick of the abuse and asked him to leave in December. He moved out on December 1st, I had issues letting go, I had loved this man for 34 years. there are so many things that went wrong between us, in the beginning I blamed the alcohol. BUT he is a narcissistic A**H***, and that is all there is to it. I spent days crying, and hurting, He did stuff that was beyond the need to be a jerk, ( feeding his narcissistic needs) he would come to my Job, raise hell, get me all upset, and then throw up his hands and leave. he had lied to me repeatedly, about different stuff, some of which I can absolutely PROVE beyond a reasonable doubt. evidently he claimed me on his income taxes, even though he didn't have the right to do that. left me with a mess to fix with the irs. Took 6 extra weeks to get my refund, but I will be getting it. I had begun having problems at work. and wanted to quit my job so badly. Well TPTB do work in mysterious ways. At the very moment I needed it most, my daughter was looking for a live in nanny, to care for her children. She offered me a job, the same money I was making at my current job and room and board. I sold my truck and trailer, put most of my belongings in storage and hauled ASS out of town as fast as I could. Am I completely over him??? in a Word no, I still wonder what he is up to, what ( or WHO ) he is doing, but I am getting better. I am so grateful for my daughter. I finally feel safe, and although there are days that I am saddened by the outcome of our relationship, I am on the road to recovery, I am away from him, He can't come to my job and play push me pull me any more
He has no clue where I am, and I like it that way. I havent spoken to him or talked to him in over 2 weeks and as each day goes by I find I am getting a little stronger each day.
I KNOW that my solution doesnt work for everyone, BUT for me it is working and although I still have days I AM getting to where I feel so much better without him.
Good luck to you and I hope you find the strength to do what is right for YOU. I will not be on line much anymore being a full time Nanny to the babies is busy work BUT, it helps keep my mind busy, and I find I dont think about him very often any more to everyone here that has offered words of encouragement and Kind words when I was suffering so badly, You all helped me so much. Love to you all and