gettingstronger

In the past I don't think I've been perfectly clear what I expect from AH. Today, I told him if he chooses to go out drinking, to find someplace else to sleep. I can't handle him coming home drunk again, and lying about it.Did I do the right thing?

SparkleKitty

Expressing your feelings is not wrong, but if your boundary is not to sleep in the same house as a drunk person, are you prepared to be the one who leaves if he comes home drunk tonight?

gettingstronger

I could go stay in a hotel. My kids are all older, and I do feel like I'll be asking them to choose whether to stay in the house (and maybe feel like they're choosing their dad), or go with me to the hotel and then maybe feel like they're siding with me.

I have worked so hard to keep my kids from feeling like they had to pick a side. This is so complicated.

I understand what you're saying, though, about a boundary being what I will do, and being totally unable to make AH do anything.

SparkleKitty

How is your dialogue with the kids about dad's drinking? Have they talked to you about it? Do they feel okay coming to you with how they feel about it or how it impacts them?

hopeful4

Make HIM go to the hotel. You and your children don't have to uproot to manage his drinking. I did this w/my X. He would go to his sisters. If he came home I would call her to come get him, I just could not take it.

gettingstronger

My two teens have final exams next week. I've not said much of anything about their dad to them recently. Just wanting to get to spring break. My older kid is running low on sympathy towards his dad. I will speak with them more on this when I see them tonight.

I did tell my older kid to just turn off his phone, if he doesn't want to get a late call from dad asking for a ride someplace. This was right after AH had called, drunk, and asked for a pick-up service. But I also said, that if he wants to do this for his dad, then that's his choice to make. A few days ago, my AH made mention that he couldn't reach our son by phone, which made me think that son had been turning his phone off when he doesn't want to deal with dad.

SparkleKitty

I grew up with an A Mom and literally no one ever talked about it. It was a non-issue in our house, and everyone was just expected to whirlwind around her moods and tantrums and focus all of their energy on managing her. We weren't allowed to have feelings or to disagree or to challenge anyone else. If your kids are comfortable talking with you about the drinking and the effects it has on everyone, you are doing great, in my book.

gettingstronger

SparkleKitty,
I grew up with an A father, and we were expected to just do anything to keep the peace in the house. And I think a lot because of this, I did the very same thing with my AH for the last decade. I felt like if I rocked the boat he'd go off drinking. I now understand differently, and am making my changes. And this is my prime motivation for working with my kids on this. I don't want them growing up to think that they need to accept bad behavior from a spouse or anyone else in their lives, and that it's their responsibility to manage another person's drinking.
Thanks for pointing out the importance of keeping communication with my kids as open as possible.

LexieCat

I wouldn't give a minor child the "choice" of picking up his drunk dad. That puts him in a terrible position. I would simply tell him, "You are NOT picking up your father." I also wouldn't leave my kids at home with a drunk. Your boundary sounds good, but if he refuses to leave, I don't see how it's enforceable.

You can certainly tell him not to come home after drinking, and if he does it anyway, you are going to have to figure out a plan B. Just don't make statements you aren't prepared to follow through with.

gettingstronger

Hopeful,
I feel the same way. I'm prepared to go out the door tonight to a hotel, but may just call a cab for him for him to go stay at a hotel.

gettingstronger

Lexie, my son's a young adult, still living at home while saves $$ to move out. But thank you for that, as my teens could be put in that position once they have their ********.

Making statements that I'm not prepared to follow through on -- and that is why my heart is pounding, as I realize this may be the end of the road.

hopeful4

I would explain to him he can take a cab to a hotel. Your son is being put into a terrible position to have to be the ride. Explain to DAD under no circumstances should he be calling your son for a drunken pickup.

gettingstronger

the ***** in the post above is from driver's license? Curious why that would be starred out.

gettingstronger

Okay, Hopeful. I will do that.

hopeful4

Not sure, a mistake I would say. However, even if your son is a young adult, he is not the drunk taxi and it really does make it bad for him.

gettingstronger

Okay, just told my AH to not use son as a drunk taxi service, and said how unfair this is to our son. I hadn't thought about this aspect thoroughly, so thank you, all.

hopeful4

Good for you. And make sure you have a face to face support system, even if it means going to counseling, which is a great thing.

Once you start forming some boundaries for you and your kids, you will have a bit more peace in your life. It's a step at a time.

Glad you are here! XXX

gettingstronger

thank you, Hopeful. Celebrate Recovery is tonight.

hopeful4

That's great! I am actually a leader at Celebrate Recovery, I am a HUGE fan. I credit CR, counseling and the fine folks here at SR for getting me through the hardest times!

gettingstronger

This is what I love about SR. when my head was swirling in a crisis, there were aspects that I overlooked or missed, that you all pointed out to me. Big, big thank you. My head feels clearer about my own responsibilities, and how to best look after myself and kids. Thank you.