jarp

As many of you know RAH has been sober for 6 months, but his 'recovery' has stalled.

Today in MC (addiction specialist) he was saying that one of the costs of his alcoholism was that he left his job of over 10 years to join a new company that he hadn't researched well enough - and that is something he would not have done if he hadn't been so impaired by alcohol.

Well then I made the comment that part of his decision to leave was a necessity as he was about to lose his job with the old company. He looked at me totally shocked....he has no recollection of the events that went on over weeks that left me needing to resign (I was the HR Manager and the CEO couldn't cope with the conflict of interest that this represented when he was about to mange RAH out) and him on the verge of being sacked. I had to elaborate on a couple of those events - which were pretty shameful.

He immediately went into his shell - it was physical as well as emotional. even the therapist was shocked at the complete and sudden withdrawal. She asked him what was going on and he said "I'm desperate for a drink", and that he was totally devastated...that he did not know any of this. She couldn't talk him out of his shell.

That was 9am. Its now 5pm here and he has not spoken a word to me all day ex to say the only reason he's not drinking is that he needs to drive the kids tonight at 6.30pm.

I'm stressing a bit but desperately trying to stay onmy side. I've carried on my day as normal...asked him if he wants lunch or a cuppa (quick shake of the head).

Help me keep on my side...!!! The therapist asked what I was thinking/ feeling. I just said I know what will be will be...he'll make his choices regardless of anything I'll say or do. I DO know this. Still the little fire pit of anxiety is there.....

ARGH I HATE this disease.

redatlanta

Jarp - So sorry this is going on.

I hope he has made it without drinking today. Can only state - one day at a time. I suppose most of what happened for 6 months he can't remember or has distorted memories of. I think it would be very shocking to find out what really happened and he is processing it.

I hope he decides he never wants to go down that path again rather than reach for the booze to numb everything.

(((hugs)))

Hawkeye13

Hard to hear for him, hard for you to watch
but I agree he has to choose not drinking.

I really really hope he does Jarp for all of you--

Hugs

cookiesncream

Ouch! Geeze as an RA I honestly "get" where your hubbie is coming from though. I remember in outpatient one of the things people talked about is a disadvantage of quitting was having to deal with life on life's terms. This is a toughie and this is the kind of stuff that tests ones recovery like nothing else and all that we learn as tools. Its like looking at the devil and deciding whether to stare him down or succumb. I feel his pain as I do yours. I'd simply stay the course, let him know he is struggling, ask him if he wants to talk and just let him be.

Peace

MsPINKAcres

Just as your avatar shows - good job staying focused on being in your own hula hoop ~

Sometimes those twinges in our stomach stay with us ~ doing the Next Right Thing and putting First Things First will do much to keep the peace, serenity & hope alive in you and in your home.

Remember
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
but we can contribute to the healthiness in our lives ~

Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of that in your world right now!

big PINK hugs to you & yours!!

hopeful4

Jarp, I am sorry, this has to bring a lot of anxiety to you. Hopefully with time he will process this and be able to move away from the trauma this caused him to hear. Unfortunately, when addressed with their own bad behaviors it can cause a lot of pain.

Tight, tight hugs to you!

FireSprite

I recognize that shock/shame emotional spiral you are talking about. It sucks, there's no happy way around it. It's difficult knowing that the urge is that strong, that close to the surface.

All I can suggest is to double up on your own recovery/self care efforts. For me that would mean more meditating, yoga, activities with the kids, reading, etc. etc. I find it easier to stay on my side when I'm busy. When RAH was stressing about visiting his FOO last week I cleaned everything in the house so I could keep active, get things accomplished & stay out of his way as much as possible. More meetings or counseling appts if that's in your toolbox too. (Although I think you weren't connecting with the limited meetings available in your area, right? I don't think I would either, from your description!)

(((((hugs))))) I hope he keeps choosing sobriety!

Butterfly

I'm sorry jarp, your doing really well staying on your side of the street, keep the focus on you. Can you go out for a walk, meet up with a friend?

(((((Hugs))))))

jarp

Thanks everyone. He made it through the day...he's still not speaking: looking at me...don't know what today will bring.

I made it through too. Kept really busy as you all suggested. Did stuff with the kids as normal, cooked etc. hot a good nights sleep but I must admit I had to take a sleeping tablet to get there. I've had life long insomnia and don't like using them...but know sleeplessness will make it harder to keep to my side.

I do feel guilty for bringing this up. I know the cause of his pain is his own behaviour...but I'm wondering - did I really need to say it? If I'd thought about it....from other things he's said.....that it appeared he didn't remember/ forgot. Why did I say what I did? Was it a good thing or driven by a need to hurt him?

lillamy

I think it's asking a LOT of yourself to expect yourself to be a mind reader. He brought up how he left the job and portrayed it in one light, you provided the truth -- which is what we're supposed to do in marriage counseling.

Please don't beat yourself up. (((hugs)))

Butterfly

((((((Hugs)))))) jarp, I don't have an answer for you, maybe it was a bit of both, you wanted him to know what he put you through and how much he has hurt you and maybe you wanted him to feel a tiny bit of what he put you through??? I'm probably wrong and sorry if I am. Is part of recovery though not about the A taking responsibility for everything he has done to harm you and others, just a thought how can he take responsibility if he doesn't know everything he has put you through??

firebolt

Oh Jarp - i'm sorry you are having stress over this. Only you can answer your question on your motivation. If your motivation was less than noble, maybe amends would alleviate your guilt? If it came up because it needed to, then you have nothing to feel guilty for. In fact if that is the case, maybe you should pat yourself on the back for saying what you wanted / needed to say.

If he wants to stay in recovery, this is not the last time that he will have to face his actions while he was drinking. Those are his to deal with as they come. You are doing the right things. Keep it up!

LexieCat

One of the things we alcoholics do is to construct a "history" that makes the past a little less painful. He probably had pushed the shame of his job performance to the back of his mind and constructed a "poor choices" story instead. This is part of why AA has that "searching and fearless moral inventory"--to start to uncover some of those lies we tell ourselves (and often start to believe).

Glad he got through it without drinking--if he does the work, then eventually he will be able to face his past without shame, but with a clear recognition of what happened and why.

cookiesncream

Ditto to LexieCat. Trying to minimize the badness of what we did is a hallmark of what we do. Facing it head on is TOUGH but also a necessary part of recovering. If he can keep doing this and slogging through without relapsing, in the end personally I think you'll have a much happier and healed relationship. That is just my thought though. Kudos to your hubbie for making it through yesterday. You deserve to say your part, this is about the two of you healing not just him.

hopeful4

Part of recovery is facing things that happened in the past. There is nothing you can do to change that factor. It's up to him how to handle it from there.

Tight hugs my friend! XXX

FeelingGreat

Jarp, please don't blame yourself for putting this on the record. At some point he will have to process a lot of the past, and from what you wrote you assumed he actually remembered the circumstances. It sheds light on what you've been through as well.

I really hope he gets through this without drinking, because it must be another wake-up call for him. He's startlingly honest telling you he'd be drinking if not for having to drive the kids. Most A's would sneak off.

Hawkeye13

I agree with others, and have had to figure out my own growth as cookie describes so well above.
Facing my self-created demons was an essential part of moving forward in emotional maturity and accountability.

It is burning away the waste like annealing metal to make it more pure and strong.
Miserable while it is happening, but very empowering after if he chooses to keep at it.

This is a critical time for him.
Recovery may be stalled but if he can get through these patches,
I believe he can emerge a stronger and better human being.

You too--whatever the outcome, you are giving him an honest chance to grow
which is the the most generous thing one human being can do for another,
since this involves such trust and risk and stepping back for you.

I really respect your part in this Jarp.
Few could do what you have done with such grace and compassion.

NYCDoglvr

It's called "dealing with the wreckage of the past." He feels deep shame, I'm sure and doesn't realize that a drink will make everything worse. I went through that but the support of AA helped me stay sober. If he doesn't drink it will all work itself out eventually. A big hug for you. Of course you can't keep him from drinking.