could be worse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Utica, MI
Posts: 2
could be worse?
I'm new here and I'm looking for help for my husband (maybe just for myself). I was told this is the place to come for help.
I know he has a drinking problem and he will admit that he has a family history of drinking problems (both brothers and his father).
He thinks he has it under control and I guess compared to alot of people, he does. Only I don't think the wife of someone whose problem is under control would be up since 2:00 this morning (it's now 4:30am here) crying her eyes out because once again he made promises to be home at a certain time and didn't follow through.
So Friday night, he calls me as he's leaving work (around 11:00) and says he's going to the bar with his cousin and friend (whatever . . . fine) Says he'll be home no later than 1am since we have such a busy day planned for Saturday. Okay fine. I make it clear that I will be worried about him until he walks through the door. He sounds irritated (because I always say the same thing) and we hang up.
12:30 I get a call saying he'll be home at 2:00. I get a call at 2:10 saying he's on his way home. When he gets home, it's obvious to me that he shouldn't have driven and he goes right to bed. Of course I'm upset and can't sleep not to mention the fact that he stinks like smoke and booze. Well I'm really bothered by this because even though he doesn't go out to the bars very often, this happens EVERY time. He's late . . . and drunk.
He tells me that he only intends to have a couple, but it ends up as too much. I honestly don't think he knows when to stop. He acts like an idiot when he's had too much and some of my family have commented on this. I've learned not to confront him when he's still got the alcohol in him, but he knows I'm upset because he mumbled an apology before falling into bed Friday night (Saturday morning).
Where do I start to help my and him?
I know he has a drinking problem and he will admit that he has a family history of drinking problems (both brothers and his father).
He thinks he has it under control and I guess compared to alot of people, he does. Only I don't think the wife of someone whose problem is under control would be up since 2:00 this morning (it's now 4:30am here) crying her eyes out because once again he made promises to be home at a certain time and didn't follow through.
So Friday night, he calls me as he's leaving work (around 11:00) and says he's going to the bar with his cousin and friend (whatever . . . fine) Says he'll be home no later than 1am since we have such a busy day planned for Saturday. Okay fine. I make it clear that I will be worried about him until he walks through the door. He sounds irritated (because I always say the same thing) and we hang up.
12:30 I get a call saying he'll be home at 2:00. I get a call at 2:10 saying he's on his way home. When he gets home, it's obvious to me that he shouldn't have driven and he goes right to bed. Of course I'm upset and can't sleep not to mention the fact that he stinks like smoke and booze. Well I'm really bothered by this because even though he doesn't go out to the bars very often, this happens EVERY time. He's late . . . and drunk.
He tells me that he only intends to have a couple, but it ends up as too much. I honestly don't think he knows when to stop. He acts like an idiot when he's had too much and some of my family have commented on this. I've learned not to confront him when he's still got the alcohol in him, but he knows I'm upset because he mumbled an apology before falling into bed Friday night (Saturday morning).
Where do I start to help my and him?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
krbbns -
You've certainly come to the right place to find help for you. There are many caring and wise people on this board.
The first thing I had to realize was that there was nothing I could do to help him. He can only help himself and only when he's ready to do so.
I wasted a lot of time trying to make him change.
Keep coming back and reading and posting.
I'm glad you're here.
L
You've certainly come to the right place to find help for you. There are many caring and wise people on this board.
The first thing I had to realize was that there was nothing I could do to help him. He can only help himself and only when he's ready to do so.
I wasted a lot of time trying to make him change.
Keep coming back and reading and posting.
I'm glad you're here.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Welcome Krbbns! I am so glad that you found this message board, it has been such a life saver for me over the past two years. What can you do? Keep coming back here, start reading the power posts at the top of the forum, start attending Alanon meetings in your area. This is the hard part....you can't do anything for him. Helping him or changing him will never work. I know this sounds harsh, but it is true. The best thing you can do is get support for you and soon you may be sleeping in and not worried about when he gets home.
My hubby is also still drinking so I know how heartbreaking this is. I know what it means to worry, but it doesn't help. Take a deep breath and start reading and keep coming back. The folks here care and know what you are going through.
My hubby is also still drinking so I know how heartbreaking this is. I know what it means to worry, but it doesn't help. Take a deep breath and start reading and keep coming back. The folks here care and know what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
You can only help you.
If he wants help, he needs to find that on his own.
As Lorelai said, you have come to the right place.
There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Have you thought about Alanon meetings? That is a great way to meet people who are dealing with similar circumstances.
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I'm glad you found us.
Gabe
If he wants help, he needs to find that on his own.
As Lorelai said, you have come to the right place.
There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Have you thought about Alanon meetings? That is a great way to meet people who are dealing with similar circumstances.
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I'm glad you found us.
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
Welcome!! You have absolutley come to the right place to get help for you. From what you've said I think that the situation with my A is a lot worse than yours but I don't really think that's the point. And I don't think it makes my situation any worse (or even much different for that matter) than your's. I think that in my short time here the hardest and most valuable lesson that I have learned is that when the A's drinking gets them into trouble I can't bail them out. If we protect them from the results of their actions how can we expect them to ever learn that they can't continue on that road? Just a little advise if things ever get to that point for you *here's hoping they won't* (((Hugs))) We're all in this together.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Welcome to SR . Glad you have found us. The others are right you can only change things about you and you cannot change him. Be honest and with yourself and your feelings. Keep coming here it really helps. Sweeks was right if he gets into trouble do not bail him out he needs to face the consequences of his decisions. Set your own boundries not for him but for you things you can and cannot live with this is not to punish him this is for your own peice of mind. Good luck and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
Krbbns,
Welcome! Gabe is right "You can only help you". I know how hard it is to see straight when the anxiety and fear keeps you up nights and wondering what you can do, or what you haven't done. When I first got here all I ever did was look for a magic pill that would fix my addict and cry. I felt if only he would stop his behavior that my life would be normal and I would have all the things I had dreamed of so many times in my head.
First I realized that I was not in control of him or his disease. I couldn't cure it or control it and I didn't cause it. I was truely powerless over his addictions and behaviors. Gradually, that started to sink in and I started to work only on me and the ways I thought and acted. I made some realizations about my OWN behavior, I can't say those realizations made me feel good about myself always, but I was slowly able to see my part in the choas in my life. The choices that I made resulted in my own choas and I could no longer just place the blame on him.
I'm still growing and learning. It's a difficult and individual process but there are many people here who will hold your hand, give you hugs, support and feel your tears (virtually). If you can get to an al-anon meeting you'll find a real person who will give you a hug and shoulder to cry on when you need one and it won't even matter that they didn't know you the day before you arrived there. There is support and love to help you through all this. Hang in there... it's out there just waiting for you to use it.
Many hugs,
Marci
Welcome! Gabe is right "You can only help you". I know how hard it is to see straight when the anxiety and fear keeps you up nights and wondering what you can do, or what you haven't done. When I first got here all I ever did was look for a magic pill that would fix my addict and cry. I felt if only he would stop his behavior that my life would be normal and I would have all the things I had dreamed of so many times in my head.
First I realized that I was not in control of him or his disease. I couldn't cure it or control it and I didn't cause it. I was truely powerless over his addictions and behaviors. Gradually, that started to sink in and I started to work only on me and the ways I thought and acted. I made some realizations about my OWN behavior, I can't say those realizations made me feel good about myself always, but I was slowly able to see my part in the choas in my life. The choices that I made resulted in my own choas and I could no longer just place the blame on him.
I'm still growing and learning. It's a difficult and individual process but there are many people here who will hold your hand, give you hugs, support and feel your tears (virtually). If you can get to an al-anon meeting you'll find a real person who will give you a hug and shoulder to cry on when you need one and it won't even matter that they didn't know you the day before you arrived there. There is support and love to help you through all this. Hang in there... it's out there just waiting for you to use it.
Many hugs,
Marci
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Welcome!!! I've only been here for a month and the support I get is awesome. I'm going to my 2nd Al-Anon meeting tonight because I've realized, from the people on this board, that I have to learn to work the 12 steps. I also got the courage to tell my A that he has to accept the consequences of his drinking and I will no longer bail him out of trouble. Your A may only be going to a bar now but it creeps up on you and before you know it... BAM... he's doing it all the time.
So... hugs and keep posting.
So... hugs and keep posting.
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