Goop1984

Hi all,

I'm here to learn how to love and encourage my daughter to make good decisions.

We think nothing alike. Completely opposite. So when I think I'm helping with anything, turns out I'm just pushing her away.

She's a functioning, 30 yr old, single mom, working and taking classes. That alone is overwhelming!

I help her with my grandson (3 yrs old). Typically I have him more than she does in a weeks time. But that's ok with me.

She doesn't think she has a problem. She started drinking when she was 13
She's had two DUIs, totaled a car and spent time in jail. But everything is someone else's fault.

I do worry a little about my grandson. I think she sleeps more than she should when she has him. I think that she isn't always attentive. Her house keeping skills leave a lot to be desired.

I've noticed a lot more bottled and cans in her trash lately. At first I wasn't purposely looking. But since I've noticed, I have been paying more attention.

I know talking to an alcoholic is like talking to a brick wall if they don't think there is a problem. (I had a brother-in-law that died from esophageal bleeding from excessive drinking.)

I'd like suggestions on how to love and encourage her without enabling her.

I appreciate any input.
Thank you!!

countrygirl2014

Welcome! I found it very hard to pay attention to anything but me when I was actively drinking. My mom always listened to me complain, bellyache and was just there even though I know I hurt her, hated her and made her cry. All those little things she did like make my birthdays really special even though I'm older, listen, just stayed the same as when I was a little kid basically, really helped me. She just kept doing what she always did and never criticized my activities. I guess she knew it was, like you said, talking to a wall. Now, I remember all those little things. I appreciate them and her. The phone calls and visits aren't all about me any more. We actually have a growing relationship.

Jennifer

ladyscribbler

Have you tried any Alanon meetings? I have met a lot of parents in your situation and Alanon helps them with those things.
It's a great place to meet others who will really understand your situation and share experiences about things they've done to help loved ones struggling with alcoholism.
This link also has some good info.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

dandylion

Goop....I want to shout....THANK GOD FOR GRANDMOTHERS!

I don't know where I would be in this life without mine.

On stable, consistent person who clearly loves us is what makes the difference for a child in a compromised situation.

Get help and support for you...alanon is the best and most easily accessible place to get that...that I know of. Of course, take advantage of everything that SR has to offer....LOL!

dandylion

lillamy

Hi Goop, and welcome!

I'm glad you found us -- getting support for yourself when a loved one is an alcoholic is crucial, because this disease doesn't stop at wearing out the alcoholic, but also wears down the people who love him or her!

There are quite a few folks around here who have children with addiction problems, and who will understand you a lot better than I can (my qualifier was my ex-husband). I do however have a kid with mental illness -- and some of the problems are similar; lacking insight into the need for help; not wanting to be different from others their age; lack of rational thought surrounding the problem.

Like others, I felt very supported in Al-Anon, and it was one place where I could freely talk about my worries, my pain, without people judging me. I recommend that as well.

Poke around here and see what you can find -- I hope some of our parents of addicts see your post!

CodeJob

Hello Goop!

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you are able to help out with you grandson.

I understand your concerns about his well being when he is with mom. I agree that Al Anon might be a good resource to find people who will 'get' your situation and your worries.

Thanks for writing!

Goop1984

CountryGirl,

Thank so much for your reply!

I feel we are close, but I know she hates me some times.

I just love her so much and hate to see her so sad. I'm sure your mom would agree, we would do anything to take your pain and put it on ourselves.

I don't want to push her away. Sometimes I have to walk away from her because she drives me crazy. I want her to know I'm here whenever she needs me. I do try to make birthdays special. Make time for her when she has it.

Is there anything you can share that specifically made things worse or better? What finally opened your eyes to make better decisions?

Thanks so much for your insight!!

Goop1984

Thanks all for your responses! I feel so welcomed!

Delray

Welcome - I too am new to this all (with a husband with the problem), but you are such a sweet mom, I'd say you're on the right path!

Florence

This link from lady scribbler above was my favorite thing when I first started posting here. It helped me figure out the "boundaries" concept and what they meant to me, and how to draw a line between my love for my XAH and his terrible and unacceptable habits.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Duckygirl1

Hi and welcome G! Well done taking care of the grand-pooper! He does need at least one person to model healthy living. Don't take too much of what your DD says personally. A's excel in quacking. My DD is clean and sober now 5 years and spends most of her time apologizing to me for her nonsense which still erupts now and again. The one thing you will find here is wisdom and hope. ((((Hugs))))

hopeful4

You are getting good input, but I just wanted to jump in and welcome you also. Very glad you are here! SR is a place of great support!

Ileana

Hi Goop
My story is similar. My 25 yr old alcoholic daughter (also with 2 DUI's and jail time) also blames everyone but herself. I just found out she's drinking again (after a year sober) and my heart is breaking. I can't do this again. I have to pray for the strength to throw her out of the house. She has no where to go, lost her license so can't even live in her car. But she made the choice. And now I have follow through with the rules we set when she moved in. No drinking in my house. I know I didn't help but just wanted you to know that you're not alone.