Is there actually hope?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
Is there actually hope?
Sorry ahead of time for the novel.
After all the posts on here with people who divorced their AH, or are still living with the horror of addiction decades later, I am sitting hers wondering if there's any hope after all..
It's been a year & a half of ups, downs, recovery & relapses for my AH.. Varying from Oxycodone to Heroin..
He is what you would call a "functioning addict". At some points in the lows he was not very functioning, but other than using to "feel good" so he doesn't have to deal with his ocd, he doesn't cheat or steal or even really lie. He had enough financial resources to support his addiction, but that is starting to wane and I am currently trying to keep his business running while he escapes into the world of online games.. He is very smart, has researched all ways of getting clean, and is actually pretty good at tapering down and then stopping. His big fear is the mental aspect of withdrawals.. He's a great man and father to our 6 month old boy, but he just can never seem to permanently break free of addiction.. & I know it's a long process, & relapses are common in the beginning. & I know I can't control it, but I can support him and make the environment something easier to be around and transition into.. It just sometimes feels like the recovery is more exhausting to deal with than him using. The cycle is really wearing me down.. I guess I need a little hope in the fact that it is possible.. That not all addicts are doomed to the life we read about here.. I know he wants to be clean. I know he's trying. But I'm slowly losing faith & growing bitter over the time we have lost..
After all the posts on here with people who divorced their AH, or are still living with the horror of addiction decades later, I am sitting hers wondering if there's any hope after all..
It's been a year & a half of ups, downs, recovery & relapses for my AH.. Varying from Oxycodone to Heroin..
He is what you would call a "functioning addict". At some points in the lows he was not very functioning, but other than using to "feel good" so he doesn't have to deal with his ocd, he doesn't cheat or steal or even really lie. He had enough financial resources to support his addiction, but that is starting to wane and I am currently trying to keep his business running while he escapes into the world of online games.. He is very smart, has researched all ways of getting clean, and is actually pretty good at tapering down and then stopping. His big fear is the mental aspect of withdrawals.. He's a great man and father to our 6 month old boy, but he just can never seem to permanently break free of addiction.. & I know it's a long process, & relapses are common in the beginning. & I know I can't control it, but I can support him and make the environment something easier to be around and transition into.. It just sometimes feels like the recovery is more exhausting to deal with than him using. The cycle is really wearing me down.. I guess I need a little hope in the fact that it is possible.. That not all addicts are doomed to the life we read about here.. I know he wants to be clean. I know he's trying. But I'm slowly losing faith & growing bitter over the time we have lost..
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Periwinkle, there is always hope but we never know when or if our addicted loved one will be lucky enough to find sobriety.
Early in his addiction, my son got clean several times, always relapsing with the thought "I can get clean whenever I want to". And then, the time came when he could not.
Please set money aside for yourself or for both of you for when he runs through your savings and the business's income. You may need to have your own "emergency fund".
It's hard living with active addiction and "wishing" things could return to normal. Addiction gets worse over time, so it may not get better any time soon.
I know you are looking for hope and my reply sounds very "down", but hope won't take care of "you" in days to come and perhaps that's where you need to start, finding your own support and balance through all this.
Hugs
Early in his addiction, my son got clean several times, always relapsing with the thought "I can get clean whenever I want to". And then, the time came when he could not.
Please set money aside for yourself or for both of you for when he runs through your savings and the business's income. You may need to have your own "emergency fund".
It's hard living with active addiction and "wishing" things could return to normal. Addiction gets worse over time, so it may not get better any time soon.
I know you are looking for hope and my reply sounds very "down", but hope won't take care of "you" in days to come and perhaps that's where you need to start, finding your own support and balance through all this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
periwinkle ... what are your needs ? the needs of your infant son ?
Remove the focus from the him. We become so accustomed to catering, watching for signs, thinking that we did something or didn't do something.
They learn to use every angle and situation to manipulate you into continuing the enabling process. Train you in your words, thoughts, behavior, tolerances....
Make a list of what you want and need to be happy. Secure. Loved. Honored.
And then check off which of those have been fulfilled.
You will know when you have had enough. When you can't do it ... ONE more day.
I was married to a man who became an alcoholic. After many years of abuse ... I decided to go to Al-anon. It brought such peace to my mind and heart. I learned to COPE with the situation.
One day, I looked around the table (about 20 people) - made a mental note of how many ended up divorcing their alcoholic or drug addict.
All of them except for myself and one other person. I decided to ask a question ... if you all ended up away from your loved one ... why keep hoping that my husband would change ? What hope should any of us have had ?
That's when it all became clear. This was for me. I discovered as I became stronger - all of the things that I was in denial about. I could only see what my mind could handle at the time. I had my own issues to work on. I divorced 9 years later.
I am touched by your post. And I feel your pain. Please consider doing something for you ... check for a local meeting of Nar-anon, Al-anon, CODA .... for you.
I wish you peace. We are all here whenever you need us. I am praying for you, your son and for your AH. For healing and strength.
hugs for you periwinkle
Remove the focus from the him. We become so accustomed to catering, watching for signs, thinking that we did something or didn't do something.
They learn to use every angle and situation to manipulate you into continuing the enabling process. Train you in your words, thoughts, behavior, tolerances....
Make a list of what you want and need to be happy. Secure. Loved. Honored.
And then check off which of those have been fulfilled.
You will know when you have had enough. When you can't do it ... ONE more day.
I was married to a man who became an alcoholic. After many years of abuse ... I decided to go to Al-anon. It brought such peace to my mind and heart. I learned to COPE with the situation.
One day, I looked around the table (about 20 people) - made a mental note of how many ended up divorcing their alcoholic or drug addict.
All of them except for myself and one other person. I decided to ask a question ... if you all ended up away from your loved one ... why keep hoping that my husband would change ? What hope should any of us have had ?
That's when it all became clear. This was for me. I discovered as I became stronger - all of the things that I was in denial about. I could only see what my mind could handle at the time. I had my own issues to work on. I divorced 9 years later.
I am touched by your post. And I feel your pain. Please consider doing something for you ... check for a local meeting of Nar-anon, Al-anon, CODA .... for you.
I wish you peace. We are all here whenever you need us. I am praying for you, your son and for your AH. For healing and strength.
hugs for you periwinkle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
Thank you... The business is in my name, on eBay. He has a couple employees and I'm on payroll too & do customer service. But he runs all the accounts and it all deposits into the business account that he has access to.. With doing that, & taking care of a baby, I don't know when else I would have time to get a job but I have been considering doing something else from home on the side and saving part of what I get paid every month from our business.. Have also been looking for meetings locally but there aren't really any in the area surprisingly and sadly.. May try an online one..
As for him.. If he really wants it (& it hasn't been working on his own), do you think rehab or a different environment would be a success at all? I'm never sure how successful those places are.. That's one reason he hasn't gone, he says it has low success rates and he doesn't want to get put on any kind of medication.. He's been trying a natural route with exercise and special vitamins and withdrawal ease stuff. He's done it before, even off of high amounts of heroin. But I guess this time he's aware of how long recovery takes and he has tapered down but is too scared to take the plunge and have to be depressed and monotone for months. I keep reminding him that part is temporary. But I haven't lived through withdrawals so I don't know how it is... He also uses IV, so that's a whole other physical addiction of injecting it..
I keep myself busy throughout the day and it distracts me and doesn't feel so bad.. But coming home at night, most nights, makes me cry.. We've talked about each getting counsellors as well, or him getting a sponsor or joining a group.. I just don't know anymore.. The thought that he may never be able to quit terrifies me as much as him dying..
As for him.. If he really wants it (& it hasn't been working on his own), do you think rehab or a different environment would be a success at all? I'm never sure how successful those places are.. That's one reason he hasn't gone, he says it has low success rates and he doesn't want to get put on any kind of medication.. He's been trying a natural route with exercise and special vitamins and withdrawal ease stuff. He's done it before, even off of high amounts of heroin. But I guess this time he's aware of how long recovery takes and he has tapered down but is too scared to take the plunge and have to be depressed and monotone for months. I keep reminding him that part is temporary. But I haven't lived through withdrawals so I don't know how it is... He also uses IV, so that's a whole other physical addiction of injecting it..
I keep myself busy throughout the day and it distracts me and doesn't feel so bad.. But coming home at night, most nights, makes me cry.. We've talked about each getting counsellors as well, or him getting a sponsor or joining a group.. I just don't know anymore.. The thought that he may never be able to quit terrifies me as much as him dying..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
Loving someone with an active addiction is painful if you live with that person or not... Addiction sucks and sucks for everyone around that person. I think working on emergency plan is a great idea, you have a 6 month old and addiction can turn from management to not managing overnight, it happened to me. One day, my stbxh went on a crack binge and went into psychosis... I wish I had had created a plan. It happens very quickly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
While we all hope they will one day be well again, how long can we wait for one day to come? No one can predict who will overcome an addiction and who won't. All I know is my own personal tolerance for waiting. My divorce should be final in April or so.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
Yea.. I guess for me, divorce isn't an option while he's actually trying to quit. I have told him though that if it keeps going downhill we may need to spend time apart, & then perhaps divorce... It's just insane when the person you love & commuted your life to disappears.. I guess the glimpses of the real him keep me hopeful that something will change.. I guess I have to stop making excuses for him though.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I do understand. I did the same thing. A part of me still really, really wants to hope for us. I found my husband a few months ago in a treatment center after he disappeared from another hospital where he was being treated for a heart condition. He went to his mom's, got our divorce papers there and disappeared again. I found him detoxing at the center shortly after leaving his mom's. I thought I had to give him a chance too because he was trying. But realistically, he isn't fully committed to being clean right now and even if he were, he will still be selfish because he must be for his own recovery. I get that. I love him. My divorce is breaking my heart. But he still wouldn't be able to be the husband and father and partner I need him to be for another few years and that's if he's fully committed to treatment and being drug free. And what I need is important too so I personally can't wait. My fear of being without him is less than my fear of being with him but not knowing how things will end up in the end.
Of course, I'm saying this all as my experience not knowing your AH's commitment to his treatment. I thought my AH was determined to get better. The longer it went on though I could see he was hanging onto the tactics to remain a victim of his own demons. Eventually that leads them back to using again. It's those underlying thoughts and behaviors that cause them to use, I believe that need to be worked on. My husband did get clean for a couple of months but I saw it coming, his using again, because his basic behavior and way of thinking didn't change. He didn't do his homework on that stuff.
To my knowledge, my AH is "only smoking pot" for the time being. I say it like that because that's what he's told me though currently I'm getting the silent treatment to punish me for not having dropped the divorce so I don't know if he's really using his drugs of choice or not right now. "Only smoking pot". Isn't that lovely? As if having a husband that is constantly under the haze of smoke is any better to relate to and have a decent and productive conversation with.
I'm not encouraging you to divorce. That entirely is a decision you should not be pressured to make. My point really is that sometimes we just have to do what's best for us despite them. Damage control for us spouses becomes a way of life. Picking up the pieces and exhaustion from doing it becomes a way of life. Setting aside our needs for a balanced relationship because they aren't functional becomes a way of life. I didn't want that anymore for my kids or me. Despite loving my husband, he's not whom I married anymore and I don't know when, if ever, that person will ever come back. The deciding factor for me was that I couldn't wait for an undetermined amount of time laying aside the happiness and stability of my kids and myself to wait for something that may never happen.
Of course, I'm saying this all as my experience not knowing your AH's commitment to his treatment. I thought my AH was determined to get better. The longer it went on though I could see he was hanging onto the tactics to remain a victim of his own demons. Eventually that leads them back to using again. It's those underlying thoughts and behaviors that cause them to use, I believe that need to be worked on. My husband did get clean for a couple of months but I saw it coming, his using again, because his basic behavior and way of thinking didn't change. He didn't do his homework on that stuff.
To my knowledge, my AH is "only smoking pot" for the time being. I say it like that because that's what he's told me though currently I'm getting the silent treatment to punish me for not having dropped the divorce so I don't know if he's really using his drugs of choice or not right now. "Only smoking pot". Isn't that lovely? As if having a husband that is constantly under the haze of smoke is any better to relate to and have a decent and productive conversation with.
I'm not encouraging you to divorce. That entirely is a decision you should not be pressured to make. My point really is that sometimes we just have to do what's best for us despite them. Damage control for us spouses becomes a way of life. Picking up the pieces and exhaustion from doing it becomes a way of life. Setting aside our needs for a balanced relationship because they aren't functional becomes a way of life. I didn't want that anymore for my kids or me. Despite loving my husband, he's not whom I married anymore and I don't know when, if ever, that person will ever come back. The deciding factor for me was that I couldn't wait for an undetermined amount of time laying aside the happiness and stability of my kids and myself to wait for something that may never happen.
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