allthatsgood

If you just relapsed after having a year of clean time under your belt. Or would you not want to even talk to them? Just found out my 25 year old son relapsed after being clean from heroin one year. Not the first time....one year seems to be difficult for him. Just looking to give him words of encouragement.

OpioPhobe

All - I'm withdrawaling right now so don't feel like writing much. You raise a great question though, and I wanted to write you something at least. I would want to know that I was still loved despite the relapse. My personality is such that I would already be down on myself for screwing up so it wouldn't do me much good for those around me to pile on. Maybe point out that very few make it to one year to being with so he must be doing at least part of it right. Also, I think you want to always learn from your mistakes so see if he can look at it as an opportunity to see what went wrong leading up to it.

In general it would be tough for me to talk about it with loved ones because I would be deeply ashamed and angry with myself. Just my 0.02.

cleaninLI

Awe so sorry allthatsgood!
Big hugs to you! I know how much you care about your son. Darn, this must really hurt! In answer to your question I think I would feel pretty lousy about myself. Probably the less said the better....but I think knowing they trust me to get back on track would be important to me. I would be punishing myself if I threw away a full year of recovery. But he did not throw away a year...that is just the negative talk I would say to myself. He still has that year and all the tools he learned within that year. He has that experience and knowledge within him for each and every time he made it thru a craving. Those experiences as well as this relapse will make him even stronger the next time around. That's just it...relapses do not make us weaker....they make us stronger and more determined! Don't worry, even though it looks like a failure....He can turn it around and become successful.

I was writing when opio posted, but opio said it very well. I would feel exactly the same way! I am my own worst critic so my family wouldn't be able to say worse than what I would tell myself. So, I think knowing I'm still loved would mean the world to me!

(((Allthatsgood)))

gnarlyboots

Allthatsgood,

Focus on the year clean rather than the relapse, he's done it once, he can do it again. Recovery isn't a one slip and it's all over, an addict learns a lot over those clean periods, you grow as person, you connect with all that was lost, you evolve on all levels.

Now he's back on track, he hasn't thrown all his effort and commitment away, he's a wiser person for it and can now tread ahead with his recovery with more faith than ever because he can identify whatever tripped him up this time and take steps to not make the same mistake this time.

Good vibes to both of you

RedManc7

Good vibes to you like gnarly said and make sure the lapse doesn't degenerate into a full on relapse and another cycle of insanity. Get clean and start again. Lots to be positive about

allthatsgood

Thank you Opio, Clean, Gnarly and Red for responding to my question. He says he has a plan to get himself back on track but it doesn't sound like a good one because it doesn't make him accountable. It's more like running away from the people who can help him. There's nothing I can do about it. I've told him I love him and will support his sobriety 100%. I can only hope he will come to realize where this road will take him.

allthatsgood

As I sit here and reread my post I'm questioning whether he truly does intend to seek recovery or he is just saying that. i feel he would have continued using had it not been for me finding out last week. And maybe that is why the recovery plan doesn't sound solid.

lonelynn

I think your last post might be spot on, all...sadly, getting busted and then claiming to want sobriety isn't always honesty talking, but more like appeasement. I hate this for you so, so much. Prayers.

cleaninLI

Without more info it's hard to say? I do hope you get to the bottom of it. I do know that if you caught him red handed. The question would be "How long had he been using?" Which you may not get a truthful answer. But if he was using for quite a while and then was caught? I would be very suspicious. But if he is 2 years into recovery and had a bump a year ago and now another just recently. There could be a reason he wants to change his game plan. Because he might see a flaw in there that you don't see or you don't know about. You say he wants to move away from his support network? If his support network has someone in there that's using and influencing him to use....or someone he doesn't get along with which is triggering him to use....it could be a reason to make changes?

I'm not saying he is right....just giving you a few scenarios. But I hope you guys can sit down and have an honest conversation. I think you deserve that being his Mom and his number one supporter!

NearSyncope

What would I *want* to hear?

I still love you.
I'm here for anything you need.
I'm proud of you for the year of clean time you had. I know you worked really hard for it. This doesn't erase that. It's just a stumble. You can get up, dust yourself off, learn from it and move forward.
You may have made a mistake but you're not a bad person.
I know you can do this.

I would kill to hear any of those things from my family, ever...

But that's only what I would *want* to hear. I have no expertise in this area and I wouldn't presume to say whether those are the things he *needs* to hear, or whether those are the "right" things to say.

You obviously care about him a lot and I hope things get better. Sending good thoughts.