SDH73

Last night I came to the realization that I've been really "spazzing out" at work. I don't know if it's because I've been pretty much snowed into my aptmt with little human contact over the last month or it's just me trying to figure out who the heck sober-me is. Probably a combination of the two.

Anyway, I've turned into an absolute flibbertigibbet at work. I can't seem to shut up, even when I tell myself "just be cool, be in the moment, listen more talk less". My inner filter seems to be on the blink. I'm finding some incoming information confusing as to how I should react to it, and outgoing speech is all over the place, even seemingly random at times. As in, coherent, but maybe didn't need to be said, and certainly didn't need to be said like THAT.

Had some trouble sleeping last night because I was beating myself up a bit for being so spazzy. Still trying to figure sober-me out, but I don't think that bouncing off the walls and needing to fill every second with meaningless talk is who I am. I hope not. That guy is annoying! In hindsight it seems like rather than just "being", I was trying desperately to "be". Putting on a show of how fun and gregarious I am.

The flip side of that coin is that on my days off I have a tendency to get a little down and mopey in the evenings until bed time. Usually just loneliness, I think. No calls, no texts all day. No one wanting to hear how I am or what I'm up to. Just me existing in the little box that I've created for myself. And I know that I DID create this box myself. Been pushing people away for years to clear room for the drinking, so it only makes sense that they give me some distance now. Trying to nurture the embers of friendships that I still have, but I guess it'll take some time get those flames burning.

So, I guess this is that "all over the place", "not knowing which way is up" kind of stuff that I hear about in early sobriety. I also hear that it evens out a bit with time, so that's encouraging.

I have no questions here, really. Just felt like writing it down, as I find that can help me organize my thoughts a bit. Maybe others in early sobriety can find some comfort in knowing they are not alone in searching for themselves.

Should also add that this is not making me want to drink. That is not the point of this post at all. Just wanted to write where I'm at, how I'm feeling.

I suppose for posterity's sake I should add that I'm in the midst of my 6th week sober.

Thanks for taking the time to read!

ANewDayNYC

Six weeks is great - keep up the good work!

Soberwolf

6 weeks is awesome SDH congrats bud

Jen73

Congrats, on the 6 weeks, SDH73, don't be so hard on yourself, cause you were Spazzy. Like you said you were pinned in your Apartment for so long...

Justincredible

congrats on six weeks. I get spazzy now and then and I am just making peace with the fact that indeed I can get spazzy at times.

SDH73

Thanks, Jen. I haven't been snowed in for the whole month. It's that the weekly snowstorms have all managed to come on my days off over the last month. So after 3 (or last week 4) days of holing up in my aptmt each week I guess I get a little over-excited about being around live human beings again.

The real problem here is probably more about learning to just be. I'm a generally mellow guy, and I think that maybe I've been acting and putting on displays for others' benefit when I should just be myself. Yup, I'm a work in progress...

biminiblue

Ha! I've been living alone for 25 years...the last eight I haven't worked.

I have to be careful not to verbally hug real live people too. I am what I am.

SDH73

LOL! Love it, bimini! I've been acting just like that ostrich!

biminiblue

You know, when I was a kid I was really outgoing. It served me well. Lots of people are really subdued. I'm just...not.

So yeah, I'm sure I get on some peoples' nerves. Oh, well. I can't second guess being happy and exuberant. They are free to walk away and talk about me behind my back.

SDH73

It occurs to me that maybe I actually am more of an outgoing, talkative, sometimes spazzy person. Maybe I just haven't realized it because I've spent most of the last decade hungover and avoiding people whenever possible...dunno

Wholesome

A few weeks ago at work at around 6 in the morning I went into the bathroom and thought I saw my friend who was stretching with her back to me.... arms up in the air, thinking she was all alone, just trying to wake up a little bit. So I snuck up behind her and whispered boo into her ear! Well it wasn't my friend. I had just scared the crap of a total stranger in the ladies room at 6 o'clock in the morning!! I still thought it was hilarious but her not so much! I'm lucky she didn't clock me one. She jumped about three feet off the floor.

SDH you are not the only one being a spazz at work

Don't be hard on yourself You're doing a great job.

SDH73

LOL, zen! That's a great story! Thanks for that!

biminiblue

There are, however, some people who need their medications adjusted. Jus' sayin.


No one here, of course. But we all know one.






As they say, if you don't know one, you're the one.

steffie

I have found that one of the most confusing yet rewarding things to come out of not drinking is starting to really get to know myself. A lot of my drinking was to feel more outgoing socially and it is difficult to adjust to not having alcohol in awkward situations. But KNOWING that getting drunk is not an option is actually really helpful in feeling more confident. For me it is like having a gig full of pressure where your focus becomes very centered (I know you're a musician too so I thought up might relate!). All in all a challenging but exciting journey, one in which I don't know I would experience were it not for having to get sober.

SDH73

Thanks, steffie. That's definitely the journey I'm on now. The detox period is well behind me, thoughts of drinking pop up occasionally but I don't entertain them and I don't feel threatened by them. It's all about "who or what the heck am I? who or what would I like to be? and how do I get there?"

Personal growth stuff, I guess. Aaah, growing pains...

Dee74

I think you'll find things settle down as you work out who sober you is SDH

Not sure if this is you too, but I was insecure at the start...I had the feeling I had to fill the silence with something...I got better lol.

Congrats on 6 weeks.

D

steffie

Totally know what you're talking about and can relate 100%.
Although I am 43 I am happy to be figuring this out now than later tho!