new, looking for support i guess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1
new, looking for support i guess
my husband is an alcoholic and has a problem with pills. on valentine's day i discovered that he had taken 30 ambien in under 9 days when our 2 year old daughter brought me the empty bottle from his bag. that same day, he had also gone out to do some work, came home drunk, denied he was drunk, and passed out. i called him out in an ultimatum email that night, threatened separation if he didn't get help, and he confessed the next day and decided to go to AA.
we've been through this many times, but he's been to meetings 4 days this week and i believe that he's serious this time, so... what about me? we live on a small island and there is no al-anon here. we're both uninsured and saving for a baby on the way so there's just no way we can afford therapy. i don't know how to trust him after all the lies he has told, or if i even should. i don't know how to best support him in his recovery. i have plenty of close family and friends, but i haven't told anyone because they all think he's the perfect husband and father, so i deal with this all on my own.
the thing is, he IS the perfect husband and father when he's sober and even to a certain point of drinking and i've never been happier or felt more loved in my life. there is so much love and appreciation between us. we play for the same team and don't keep score. when things are good they are as good as it gets for anyone. i don't want to screw it up by living in constant fear of him screwing it up, but i also don't want to be oblivious to the signs of a relapse. he is an incredibly good liar and it's almost as if he's not happy if he's not hiding *something* from me. i resist the urge to snoop 99% of the time, but i get the urge frequently and that's no way to live. he is prescribed ambien and xanax and tells me he won't get them filled anymore but how can i trust that??
i've looked for online resources, but it's hard to find anything helpful because we're agnostic and all the religious info is worthless to us. i think what i really need is to just dump all of this somewhere because i have no outlet. so, thanks for reading
we've been through this many times, but he's been to meetings 4 days this week and i believe that he's serious this time, so... what about me? we live on a small island and there is no al-anon here. we're both uninsured and saving for a baby on the way so there's just no way we can afford therapy. i don't know how to trust him after all the lies he has told, or if i even should. i don't know how to best support him in his recovery. i have plenty of close family and friends, but i haven't told anyone because they all think he's the perfect husband and father, so i deal with this all on my own.
the thing is, he IS the perfect husband and father when he's sober and even to a certain point of drinking and i've never been happier or felt more loved in my life. there is so much love and appreciation between us. we play for the same team and don't keep score. when things are good they are as good as it gets for anyone. i don't want to screw it up by living in constant fear of him screwing it up, but i also don't want to be oblivious to the signs of a relapse. he is an incredibly good liar and it's almost as if he's not happy if he's not hiding *something* from me. i resist the urge to snoop 99% of the time, but i get the urge frequently and that's no way to live. he is prescribed ambien and xanax and tells me he won't get them filled anymore but how can i trust that??
i've looked for online resources, but it's hard to find anything helpful because we're agnostic and all the religious info is worthless to us. i think what i really need is to just dump all of this somewhere because i have no outlet. so, thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hi and welcome Rose. Sounds like you have your plate really full with a toddler, a baby on the way and now this. You've found a great source of support here. Since meetings and therapy aren't in the cards right now, maybe you could do some recovery reading on your own. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a good book to start with.
Also, if there is AA available there, they might have open meetings you could attend. You might potentially meet some other spouses of alcoholics or addicts and even check into starting and Alanon meeting on your island.
Thanks for posting. Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you're in the right place. Big hugs.
Also, if there is AA available there, they might have open meetings you could attend. You might potentially meet some other spouses of alcoholics or addicts and even check into starting and Alanon meeting on your island.
Thanks for posting. Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you're in the right place. Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi goodnightrose, and welcome. Sorry to hear about your situation but you came to the right place.
Many more people will respond with valuable words and more experience but for now I can offer you some of my thoughts
- could you look at alanon online? I don't have an alanon near me and am going to look into this. I am not religious but I believe it's about a higher power as you view it so that doesn't have to necessarily mean 'god' and it's also a policy of take what you want and leave the rest. There are also online support groups and sites that take a none religious view- and I think a forum here for that also that maybe you could look at?
- you need help and support as well as your husband and taking care of YOU is necessary right now, do you have a trusted friend or family member that you could confide in, even just one could 'lighten the load' by you being able to talk to them.
- trust, that's a big one and in situations with alcoholics or recovering alcoholics I know others have said to me trust actions and not words. He may tell you this and that but ultimately his actions are what will tell you the most.
- threats of separation, again I have been told by people here don't make a threat or a 'boundary' if you are not 100% prepared to follow through on it. This will simply be seen as what it is an empty threat and you in effect condoning the behaviour that you don't seem to be acceptable and will see you walk down a very slippery slope. If his behaviour is unacceptable to you then no matter how great he is sometimes, if it's unacceptable sometimes you have to be prepared to take care of yourself and your children- and if that means distancing yourself from him as much as that will hurt you may have to do it for yourself and your children
- helping him on his path to recovery- be supportive, be 'there' but only to a level that you can withstand that is not destructive towards you. You may have to detach and go with letting him walk his own path, make his own choices, and deal with the consequences of those. As tough as that is and I couldn't do this over and over and over with my axbf they have to be allowed the dignity and responsibility to help themselves and sometimes we have to take a step back (or in some cases a leap) and let this happen.
Remember that it is really important to take care of you. Someone told me here that if I was dragged down and mentally and physically exhausted by my axbf then what possible 'help' could I be to him anyway, if I was in such an unhealthy place myself- I didn't see it in the midst of the madness but I came to see it after a while.
More people will be along to share their experience and offer advice soon but for now I wish you strength and clarity to try and deal with the situation. Hugs.
Many more people will respond with valuable words and more experience but for now I can offer you some of my thoughts
- could you look at alanon online? I don't have an alanon near me and am going to look into this. I am not religious but I believe it's about a higher power as you view it so that doesn't have to necessarily mean 'god' and it's also a policy of take what you want and leave the rest. There are also online support groups and sites that take a none religious view- and I think a forum here for that also that maybe you could look at?
- you need help and support as well as your husband and taking care of YOU is necessary right now, do you have a trusted friend or family member that you could confide in, even just one could 'lighten the load' by you being able to talk to them.
- trust, that's a big one and in situations with alcoholics or recovering alcoholics I know others have said to me trust actions and not words. He may tell you this and that but ultimately his actions are what will tell you the most.
- threats of separation, again I have been told by people here don't make a threat or a 'boundary' if you are not 100% prepared to follow through on it. This will simply be seen as what it is an empty threat and you in effect condoning the behaviour that you don't seem to be acceptable and will see you walk down a very slippery slope. If his behaviour is unacceptable to you then no matter how great he is sometimes, if it's unacceptable sometimes you have to be prepared to take care of yourself and your children- and if that means distancing yourself from him as much as that will hurt you may have to do it for yourself and your children
- helping him on his path to recovery- be supportive, be 'there' but only to a level that you can withstand that is not destructive towards you. You may have to detach and go with letting him walk his own path, make his own choices, and deal with the consequences of those. As tough as that is and I couldn't do this over and over and over with my axbf they have to be allowed the dignity and responsibility to help themselves and sometimes we have to take a step back (or in some cases a leap) and let this happen.
Remember that it is really important to take care of you. Someone told me here that if I was dragged down and mentally and physically exhausted by my axbf then what possible 'help' could I be to him anyway, if I was in such an unhealthy place myself- I didn't see it in the midst of the madness but I came to see it after a while.
More people will be along to share their experience and offer advice soon but for now I wish you strength and clarity to try and deal with the situation. Hugs.
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