Don't lose hope! You'll get there!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Don't lose hope! You'll get there!
It has been quite a while since I last posted, and reading back on my previous posts, I can barely remember that person I was!
I was a scared, angry, confused and broken person. I spoke constantly about my XAF to anyone who'd listen, I'd bring him up at any time I could in a desperate need to get my head around why I had let myself be so badly abused. I was bursting and shattering apart! It makes me sad to look at myself as I was then.
I had completely given up on trusting people, or relying on them and blamed myself for everything that had happened - after all, I wasn't the one with the addiction, I was teetotal so I should have been able to cope.i know now that that's utter horsesh*t!
If you're feeling like the feeling of empty hopelessness is consuming you, that you're just biding your time until the next crisis - I understand you and I promise you won't always feel this way. NEVER isolate yourself or feel that you're alone and that people won't understand! Most of all, remember that you deserve happiness and help too - so ask for it!
I can't tell you that I don't still have the occasional "mind-bomb" where the world swoons around my head and I still feel a deep and all-consuming guilt every now and then, but i don't fight it any more. I tell someone honestly how I'm feeling and to just keep a check on me whilst I work things out, and I let myself really feel the emotions. If it gets too much i ask for help. Just because one person enjoys seeing you suffer, it doesn't mean that everyone does!
My life now is far from perfect, but my life is my own again. By trusting friends and family, i learnt to enjoy things again and that it is OK if my XAF is sitting, dribbling in a gutter! His life is his own and no matter how hard I tried to help, that was the one simple fact I'd forgotten! Never feel ashamed that you love them, it's a beautiful gift for you to give, but never forget that it's their choice to do as they will with your love. And believe me, there's no point in loving anyone else if you cannot accept yourself first.
I'm sorry that I've rambled, but when I used this forum more, I took my greatest inspiration from hearing people speak honestly.
The first steps are awful; the guilt, shame and humiliation, but only with honesty and trust in the right people will you ever change things. You have more control than you realise - control over your own path. Please don't be afraid to walk it and hopefully you realise that you are walking towards a happier, safer place where you matter to yourself again. Don't ever make yourself believe you deserve nothing. You deserve everything.
I was a scared, angry, confused and broken person. I spoke constantly about my XAF to anyone who'd listen, I'd bring him up at any time I could in a desperate need to get my head around why I had let myself be so badly abused. I was bursting and shattering apart! It makes me sad to look at myself as I was then.
I had completely given up on trusting people, or relying on them and blamed myself for everything that had happened - after all, I wasn't the one with the addiction, I was teetotal so I should have been able to cope.i know now that that's utter horsesh*t!
If you're feeling like the feeling of empty hopelessness is consuming you, that you're just biding your time until the next crisis - I understand you and I promise you won't always feel this way. NEVER isolate yourself or feel that you're alone and that people won't understand! Most of all, remember that you deserve happiness and help too - so ask for it!
I can't tell you that I don't still have the occasional "mind-bomb" where the world swoons around my head and I still feel a deep and all-consuming guilt every now and then, but i don't fight it any more. I tell someone honestly how I'm feeling and to just keep a check on me whilst I work things out, and I let myself really feel the emotions. If it gets too much i ask for help. Just because one person enjoys seeing you suffer, it doesn't mean that everyone does!
My life now is far from perfect, but my life is my own again. By trusting friends and family, i learnt to enjoy things again and that it is OK if my XAF is sitting, dribbling in a gutter! His life is his own and no matter how hard I tried to help, that was the one simple fact I'd forgotten! Never feel ashamed that you love them, it's a beautiful gift for you to give, but never forget that it's their choice to do as they will with your love. And believe me, there's no point in loving anyone else if you cannot accept yourself first.
I'm sorry that I've rambled, but when I used this forum more, I took my greatest inspiration from hearing people speak honestly.
The first steps are awful; the guilt, shame and humiliation, but only with honesty and trust in the right people will you ever change things. You have more control than you realise - control over your own path. Please don't be afraid to walk it and hopefully you realise that you are walking towards a happier, safer place where you matter to yourself again. Don't ever make yourself believe you deserve nothing. You deserve everything.
) Wonderful, positive post!!
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