The Drama of a Codi Existence
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
The Drama of a Codi Existence
I am working step 3 of Codi. Trying to turn things over to my higher power. Letting go of that control is hard. Holding onto it is painful and harder. I realize that the people I have chosen to be around are usually the "friends" that don't seem to really value me or respect me as I am. I have friends who embrace my humor. Who show up when they say the will. Who answer the phone and are happy to see me. But then, I have other "friends" who blow me off, will make plans and then not only fail to follow through, but will not even show me the respect of simply canceling plans...yet, these are the ones that I seem to be obsessing over these days.
My self esteem seems so wrapped up in those who don't show me approval. Those that I have to seem to work so hard to be accepted by. The ones that will sometimes make little biting remarks or act in ways that show me that I am not a valued part of the group...but why?
This morning, I am stuck on a plan that I made months ago for Mardi Gras. I was supposed to walk in a certain parade with the same friends that I was with last year. Although these people seemed to have "dropped" my exABF when we broke up, now that he has a new girlfriend and I have moved off the block, it appears that in fact, I have been dropped. It feels like more rejection upon rejection. But why do I care so much? I wanted to call a friend or family member and discuss the situation, but I realize that I am just creating more drama around the situation if I do that. I am so tired of my self worth being wrapped around people who don't really care. I have spent 25 years doing this to myself and I am tired of it.
Sometimes, my commitment to recovering from codependence seems so hard- like a mountain too steep to climb. I feel like I should feel a great sense of relief but instead, most of my actions even now, seem to be self defeating. A year ago, I thought I was in love, was surrounded by friends, and had a promising career. Today, I realize that it was just a mirage and it seems like I just keep tearing down my reality. My work is questionable, my heart won't seem to mend, and I feel like I am in doing little more than existing. Can anyone relate? As I work my childhood where my alcoholic mother (who died at 48 from her abuse) and my detached father both told me and showed me that I was not important, I can see just how long I have continued to live in that belief. And I wonder just how one really begins to change two and half decades of perspective...
My self esteem seems so wrapped up in those who don't show me approval. Those that I have to seem to work so hard to be accepted by. The ones that will sometimes make little biting remarks or act in ways that show me that I am not a valued part of the group...but why?
This morning, I am stuck on a plan that I made months ago for Mardi Gras. I was supposed to walk in a certain parade with the same friends that I was with last year. Although these people seemed to have "dropped" my exABF when we broke up, now that he has a new girlfriend and I have moved off the block, it appears that in fact, I have been dropped. It feels like more rejection upon rejection. But why do I care so much? I wanted to call a friend or family member and discuss the situation, but I realize that I am just creating more drama around the situation if I do that. I am so tired of my self worth being wrapped around people who don't really care. I have spent 25 years doing this to myself and I am tired of it.
Sometimes, my commitment to recovering from codependence seems so hard- like a mountain too steep to climb. I feel like I should feel a great sense of relief but instead, most of my actions even now, seem to be self defeating. A year ago, I thought I was in love, was surrounded by friends, and had a promising career. Today, I realize that it was just a mirage and it seems like I just keep tearing down my reality. My work is questionable, my heart won't seem to mend, and I feel like I am in doing little more than existing. Can anyone relate? As I work my childhood where my alcoholic mother (who died at 48 from her abuse) and my detached father both told me and showed me that I was not important, I can see just how long I have continued to live in that belief. And I wonder just how one really begins to change two and half decades of perspective...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I don't have any answers as I'm still new at this myself. I send you my hugs and prayers. I do believe it's a success that you recognize these things in yourself and you continue to work on them. Do you have a sponsor? A therapist? Perhaps one of them can help you work thru these thoughts. Many, many hugs!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Step 3 is just making a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand him. You don't have to do anything but make the decision--the turning over comes later, as part of your spiritual awakening that you get as a result of working the steps.
The steps are small ones--you're trying to accomplish the end result before you've done all the footwork.
Sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction.
Hugs,
The steps are small ones--you're trying to accomplish the end result before you've done all the footwork.
Sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Thanks Katchie- a sponsor is the one thing I am still missing. My home-group is a Coda group and it is quite small. I have had an offer from an Al Anon member for sponsorship, but I am not sure how I feel about her yet. I think some one-on-one guidance in the programs would help a lot.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Timeiskey 
And I wonder just how one really begins to change two and half decades of perspective...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's a process that lasts a lifetime but if you keep going you will see change. After years of cognitive therapy and working the 12 Steps (23 years/AA, five in Alanon), what I've learned is it's a program of action. We can't think ourselves into picking healthy relationships and inner peace, it's using the tools as new situations come up that changes us. Some things I got quickly, others I will always struggle with. But doing the work is what boosts our self-esteem and gives our lives some focus. That and helping others who are starting out.
It doesn't matter why you care, it only matters what actions you take. These kinds of people will pop up throughout your life, you just get experience in dealing with them.
It doesn't matter why you care, it only matters what actions you take. These kinds of people will pop up throughout your life, you just get experience in dealing with them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm in between step 2 and step 3.
My sponsor kept asking me what would happen if I turned my husband over to a higher power. I could not understand what her question even meant, let alone give her an answer. So she told me to go back to step 2, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
So, somewhat frustrated I went back to step 2. I totally get step 2 on a LOGICAL level. There are so many forces and powers greater than me…physically. But step 3 takes it to a spiritual level and there was a huge disconnect for me.
I read a poem last week from a site that LexieCat (thank you, btw!!) recommended on another thread on this forum. For whatever reason, it made step 3 click for me. I think it's because I'm a visual person and the poem gave me a visual perspective to handing things over.
Here's the poem and it's source, from Mr. Sponsorpants:
My sponsor kept asking me what would happen if I turned my husband over to a higher power. I could not understand what her question even meant, let alone give her an answer. So she told me to go back to step 2, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
So, somewhat frustrated I went back to step 2. I totally get step 2 on a LOGICAL level. There are so many forces and powers greater than me…physically. But step 3 takes it to a spiritual level and there was a huge disconnect for me.
I read a poem last week from a site that LexieCat (thank you, btw!!) recommended on another thread on this forum. For whatever reason, it made step 3 click for me. I think it's because I'm a visual person and the poem gave me a visual perspective to handing things over.
Here's the poem and it's source, from Mr. Sponsorpants:
WHOOSH
I said a long prayer last night.
I said "I surrender."
I said "I surrender again."
I said, lying in my bed,
in the dark,
to the dark,
because that's what prayer feels like sometimes,
it feels like you're just
talking out loud in the dark
to the dark.
(The first impediment to authentic faith: Mocking the process. I always get my back foot caught trying to clear that hurdle.)
I said
"I surrender again. Really. I can't. Here. Take it."
And I began reading from The List In My Head.
The List contains all the things that I want
to surrender but
I am afraid to.
The List is like a collection of fears and doubts about
all the stuff
I can't live without
or think I have to have,
that I have to figure out
how to keep or get
"if I only manage well."
It doesn't help
or it doesn't matter
that the list is reasonable:
health shelter sustenance the ability to
make my way in the world yet again.
"I surrender. Again."
I want to use The List's very reasonableness as a bargaining chip,
something like,
"Come on, it's not like I'm asking for THIS, I'm just asking for this,
and thus
You should accommodate me."
Apparently that's not how it works because
if it did I would have been
well accommodated
long ago.
And also
apparently,
performance art surrender,
the surrender which contains the tiny hidden tumor of
manipulation,
The "Okay, okay, NOW I surrender.
So... since I did... now I get what I'm asking for, yes?"
that doesn't work, either,
apparently.
Because if it did, well,
see above.
So I lay there in the dark, and I closed my eyes,
and I paused in my List to let all the
weird purple swirls behind my eyelids
fade away
and then I pictured an altar with a fire.
A pyre.
And I went down the List, and with each item I said
"Take it. Take it." and I fed it to the fire.
"I'm afraid I'll lose the apartment, and I'll have to move, or worse, but... Your will be done. Take it. Take it."
and WHOOSH I fed it into the fire.
"The job interview. Even just... the job... Your will be done. Take it. Take it."
WHOOSH I fed it to the fire.
"My bum foot... my health... Your will take it take it."
WHOOSH fed to the fire.
"My relationship. Your will. Take it."
WHOOSH Fire.
The long list of petty and grand fears and hopes and expectations and then
more fears.
"Your will. Your will."
"Okay."
WHOOSH
"Take it."
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH.
I said a long prayer last night.
I said "I surrender."
I said "I surrender again."
I said, lying in my bed,
in the dark,
to the dark,
because that's what prayer feels like sometimes,
it feels like you're just
talking out loud in the dark
to the dark.
(The first impediment to authentic faith: Mocking the process. I always get my back foot caught trying to clear that hurdle.)
I said
"I surrender again. Really. I can't. Here. Take it."
And I began reading from The List In My Head.
The List contains all the things that I want
to surrender but
I am afraid to.
The List is like a collection of fears and doubts about
all the stuff
I can't live without
or think I have to have,
that I have to figure out
how to keep or get
"if I only manage well."
It doesn't help
or it doesn't matter
that the list is reasonable:
health shelter sustenance the ability to
make my way in the world yet again.
"I surrender. Again."
I want to use The List's very reasonableness as a bargaining chip,
something like,
"Come on, it's not like I'm asking for THIS, I'm just asking for this,
and thus
You should accommodate me."
Apparently that's not how it works because
if it did I would have been
well accommodated
long ago.
And also
apparently,
performance art surrender,
the surrender which contains the tiny hidden tumor of
manipulation,
The "Okay, okay, NOW I surrender.
So... since I did... now I get what I'm asking for, yes?"
that doesn't work, either,
apparently.
Because if it did, well,
see above.
So I lay there in the dark, and I closed my eyes,
and I paused in my List to let all the
weird purple swirls behind my eyelids
fade away
and then I pictured an altar with a fire.
A pyre.
And I went down the List, and with each item I said
"Take it. Take it." and I fed it to the fire.
"I'm afraid I'll lose the apartment, and I'll have to move, or worse, but... Your will be done. Take it. Take it."
and WHOOSH I fed it into the fire.
"The job interview. Even just... the job... Your will be done. Take it. Take it."
WHOOSH I fed it to the fire.
"My bum foot... my health... Your will take it take it."
WHOOSH fed to the fire.
"My relationship. Your will. Take it."
WHOOSH Fire.
The long list of petty and grand fears and hopes and expectations and then
more fears.
"Your will. Your will."
"Okay."
WHOOSH
"Take it."
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I wonder just how one really begins to change two and half decades of perspective…
I went to my home meeting (I call it that but it's really the only meeting that I attend) this weekend and I spoke with a few ladies that I haven't spoken with before. One of them was asking me what I do and how I work my program because she wants what I have. The other one told me that she was surprised at how strong my recovery looks considering I've been in the program less than a year. I did a little "Who? ME??" reaction. Seriously, I walk around feeling like I just kind of exist occasionally too but I am reminded at the most random times that I do not appear that way on the outside. It was really nice to hear from other program people though that I sound/look healthy. I do find it coincidental though that I read that poem on Thursday, had a light bulb moment that night and then this weekend I felt like the universe sent me some way to tell me that I'm on the right path.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs, Stung--
I totally LOVE Mr. SP. So much of what he writes seems to speak to so many of us on a really personal level. Glad you found something there that clicked for you. I often have clicks reading his blog.
I totally LOVE Mr. SP. So much of what he writes seems to speak to so many of us on a really personal level. Glad you found something there that clicked for you. I often have clicks reading his blog.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes, yes and yes I have felt this way.
For me I feel my perspective changed when I really understood what my HP was really there for. Prior to working on my codependence that relationship was one of convenience on my end and there for me when I was in distress. My conversations with my HP were accusatory "why are you doing this"?, "fix this", "i'm suffering stop it". Now my conversations with HP are one of gratitude and thankfulness even though there are still and always will be negative things to deal with . I think we codies definitely focus on the negatives it is Codie gasoline. I highly suggest you start focusing on what is good in your life because there is good there. Force yourself to do this it may seem weird at first, it will help you.
As for the friends - well we codies do want everyone to like us. I don't know if it is accurate that these people really don't like you, or if its a projection of how you are feel about yourself. What I do know for myself I do not like every person I meet. I don't like every client that walks through my door. So if I don't like every person on this planet then guess what? There will be and are people who do not like me. Secondly, moving away from a tight knit group such as where you live or where you work can affect the dynamics of a relationship. I got a full dose of that when I left my job of 15 years two years ago. That was my work "family", and when I moved on I became an outsider even though I had been very active socially and on a friend level with most of them. There were 70 people that worked there, and out of all those only 3 or 4 keep in touch. I see now the dynamics of the friendship were the job, and discussing what was going on there. There weren't true deep friendships, so when I was no longer there as a part of it there was no longer much to talk about. Its not that we don't like each other (which I thought at first), rather the foundation of our social interaction is gone. C'est la vie.
For me I feel my perspective changed when I really understood what my HP was really there for. Prior to working on my codependence that relationship was one of convenience on my end and there for me when I was in distress. My conversations with my HP were accusatory "why are you doing this"?, "fix this", "i'm suffering stop it". Now my conversations with HP are one of gratitude and thankfulness even though there are still and always will be negative things to deal with . I think we codies definitely focus on the negatives it is Codie gasoline. I highly suggest you start focusing on what is good in your life because there is good there. Force yourself to do this it may seem weird at first, it will help you.
As for the friends - well we codies do want everyone to like us. I don't know if it is accurate that these people really don't like you, or if its a projection of how you are feel about yourself. What I do know for myself I do not like every person I meet. I don't like every client that walks through my door. So if I don't like every person on this planet then guess what? There will be and are people who do not like me. Secondly, moving away from a tight knit group such as where you live or where you work can affect the dynamics of a relationship. I got a full dose of that when I left my job of 15 years two years ago. That was my work "family", and when I moved on I became an outsider even though I had been very active socially and on a friend level with most of them. There were 70 people that worked there, and out of all those only 3 or 4 keep in touch. I see now the dynamics of the friendship were the job, and discussing what was going on there. There weren't true deep friendships, so when I was no longer there as a part of it there was no longer much to talk about. Its not that we don't like each other (which I thought at first), rather the foundation of our social interaction is gone. C'est la vie.
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