This is all new to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MA
Posts: 14
This is all new to me.
Hi everyone,
I'm 28 years old and in my first serious, long-term relationship with a man that I waited around 10 years for. He's 30 years old and an alcoholic. We've been together for almost 2.5 years now. When we first started dating, I knew that he liked to party and liked to follow a band around on tour and I tried my best to accept it for what it was. The first time I ever really experienced one of his black outs was about 8 months into our relationship and I was completely turned off. I practically had to carry him into his apartment but I shrugged it off as maybe he just had TOO much fun that night. It progressively got worse; more drinking, black outs, verbal fights and breakdowns. I babysat him each and every time, listened to his woes about his childhood and the grief he's experienced with so many of his friends passing away from drug overdoses or drunk driving accidents, and cried with him. I have never minimized the deep seeded pain that he carries, I've only ever been supportive and suggested that he speak with a professional so he can cope in a healthy way. Instead, his drinking has gotten much worse and now he's pushing me away. A month or two ago, I caught him making a trip out to his car and sneaking a nip of vodka - which he's done at his mother's house as well. He has acknowledged having a drinking problem but has not admitted to being an alcoholic.
His sister hit her rock bottom (alcoholism) over a year ago and there have been times when she will completely shut him out of her life, for her own good. Two of his very best friends have also been sober for over a year now and are doing so well. I had hoped that they would be inspiring to him. He's still not coping with the pain of growing up with an alcoholic mother and a father who wasn't very present, the grief he feels from losing friends, and now the fact that his oldest brother has moved across the country and taken his two nieces (whom he adores more than anything) away from him. He has told me that he will never forgive his brother for that. He says that he's a "broken soul" and hearing him say that absolutely devastated me. I always tell him that I know he can be the best person he can be, he just needs to get there. We believe that we're each others soulmate and have had talks about the future.
Lately, there has been a lot of tension in our relationship. Every time we had plans to go out, my anxiety would hit the roof because of past experiences. We began fighting over little things and after seeing him last weekend, he became distant and told me that he was really stressed out and just needed to be happy. He's been talking with his sister a lot more recently. After barely speaking all week, which is something that has NEVER happened, he told me that he really needs his space, he appreciates and really cares about me but that he needs to be alone so he can be happy in general. He didn't mention a break or a break up but I am so hurt. I've started counseling and going to Al-Anon meetings. This is all so overwhelming for me and I'm mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from this. I love him and care about him so much and am worried about him. It's clear that he doesn't want to hear from me and I should respect that but it's killing me inside. Any advice?
I'm 28 years old and in my first serious, long-term relationship with a man that I waited around 10 years for. He's 30 years old and an alcoholic. We've been together for almost 2.5 years now. When we first started dating, I knew that he liked to party and liked to follow a band around on tour and I tried my best to accept it for what it was. The first time I ever really experienced one of his black outs was about 8 months into our relationship and I was completely turned off. I practically had to carry him into his apartment but I shrugged it off as maybe he just had TOO much fun that night. It progressively got worse; more drinking, black outs, verbal fights and breakdowns. I babysat him each and every time, listened to his woes about his childhood and the grief he's experienced with so many of his friends passing away from drug overdoses or drunk driving accidents, and cried with him. I have never minimized the deep seeded pain that he carries, I've only ever been supportive and suggested that he speak with a professional so he can cope in a healthy way. Instead, his drinking has gotten much worse and now he's pushing me away. A month or two ago, I caught him making a trip out to his car and sneaking a nip of vodka - which he's done at his mother's house as well. He has acknowledged having a drinking problem but has not admitted to being an alcoholic.
His sister hit her rock bottom (alcoholism) over a year ago and there have been times when she will completely shut him out of her life, for her own good. Two of his very best friends have also been sober for over a year now and are doing so well. I had hoped that they would be inspiring to him. He's still not coping with the pain of growing up with an alcoholic mother and a father who wasn't very present, the grief he feels from losing friends, and now the fact that his oldest brother has moved across the country and taken his two nieces (whom he adores more than anything) away from him. He has told me that he will never forgive his brother for that. He says that he's a "broken soul" and hearing him say that absolutely devastated me. I always tell him that I know he can be the best person he can be, he just needs to get there. We believe that we're each others soulmate and have had talks about the future.
Lately, there has been a lot of tension in our relationship. Every time we had plans to go out, my anxiety would hit the roof because of past experiences. We began fighting over little things and after seeing him last weekend, he became distant and told me that he was really stressed out and just needed to be happy. He's been talking with his sister a lot more recently. After barely speaking all week, which is something that has NEVER happened, he told me that he really needs his space, he appreciates and really cares about me but that he needs to be alone so he can be happy in general. He didn't mention a break or a break up but I am so hurt. I've started counseling and going to Al-Anon meetings. This is all so overwhelming for me and I'm mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from this. I love him and care about him so much and am worried about him. It's clear that he doesn't want to hear from me and I should respect that but it's killing me inside. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome MB to SR!
Leave him to it. That is one way to respect him. He has friends around who can help him should he truly decide to get sober - friends who can 100% talk on the addict level and call him on all the pitiful me excuses.
Read all over. You will learn a lot. It is wise to know he has a lot of strikes. He is going to have to seriously grow up to have a fighting chance.
Leave him to it. That is one way to respect him. He has friends around who can help him should he truly decide to get sober - friends who can 100% talk on the addict level and call him on all the pitiful me excuses.
Read all over. You will learn a lot. It is wise to know he has a lot of strikes. He is going to have to seriously grow up to have a fighting chance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
One of the most painful aspects of alcoholism is the way it makes the person push away the people who love them and want to help them the most.
This is a wonderful community of people who know all about what you are both going through - read all over the board, see the lists of suggested books to read - empower yourself with knowledge - and most importantly, focus on and take care of YOU!
This is a wonderful community of people who know all about what you are both going through - read all over the board, see the lists of suggested books to read - empower yourself with knowledge - and most importantly, focus on and take care of YOU!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Big hugs lovely girl. They all say that they need to get away to be happy because they don't realize that the misery is coming from within. It's NOT YOU. We can't love them whole. If we could this group wouldn't exsist. There's a saying. Anyone can learn from their own mistakes, but it takes a wise woman to learn from the mistakes of others. Read through these threads and listen with your HEAD to the stories of lost years and pain. I say head because your not used to this and your heart will lie to you. It will tell you he's diffrent from the people talked about on here. He's not. Your years of friendship will draw him back. It won't. You have so much life to live. Please don't waste it. Love him at a great distance and love yourself more to maintain that distance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MA
Posts: 14
Thank you so much, I have been reading some of the things on here and I am starting to see everything clearly. My heart is hurting but I know that none of this is my fault, despite some of the blame that has been put on me. <3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Originally Posted by MB0329 
Thank you so much, I have been reading some of the things on here and I am starting to see everything clearly. My heart is hurting but I know that none of this is my fault, despite some of the blame that has been put on me. <3
You can't control him or his addiction.
You did not cause it.
You can't cure it or save him.
The three C's. I see you are going to Al Anon! Good!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
MBO329,
Welcome to SR! A great place to meet up with many people who have walked in your shoes and have a lot of wisdom and experience in loving "broken souls".
You said you waited 10 years for this man from the age of 18 and have been with him 2.5 years now and now that you are aware that he has a problem that obviously requires action on his part to seek counseling and recovery he is pushing you away. That is very common and my own experience of being the ultimate caretaker/enabler for my XA made him very happy in the early days.
Like you I heard all the sad stories of why my XA was broken and alcoholic and the kids lost were his not beloved children of a sibling but were his own. My XA hadn't seen his girls in over 3 years and I got him a lawyer, child support straightened out, drivers license and a job and eventually visitation with my or someone else's supervision. My XA had great counseling, great sponsor, church and family support and yet he drank again and again any way.
If you could wave a magic wand and "fix" everything in his life it wouldn't solve his problem... Only he can choose recovery and take the action needed.
While some are more resilient than others in childhood trauma, abuse, hardships, hurt and pain all of us have to individually seek help and healing. Many of the posters on here are adult children of alcoholics and I am one of them but the healthy among us worked hard on ourselves to grow and heal and learn how to seek out healthy relationships with others on the same path.
Your friend is distancing himself because your eyes are opening and you are being less helpful in his quest to do what alcoholics do: drink and they want to do it without anyone challenging them to change their behavior. The "brokenness" is the excuse to drink and to cause empathy from those around them .... The broken among us are all capable of finding their way out if they want healing!
I commend you for getting counseling and alanon as that will help you understand your friend and how to create healthy boundaries for yourself and your future. We understand and care...keep coming back.
Welcome to SR! A great place to meet up with many people who have walked in your shoes and have a lot of wisdom and experience in loving "broken souls".
You said you waited 10 years for this man from the age of 18 and have been with him 2.5 years now and now that you are aware that he has a problem that obviously requires action on his part to seek counseling and recovery he is pushing you away. That is very common and my own experience of being the ultimate caretaker/enabler for my XA made him very happy in the early days.
Like you I heard all the sad stories of why my XA was broken and alcoholic and the kids lost were his not beloved children of a sibling but were his own. My XA hadn't seen his girls in over 3 years and I got him a lawyer, child support straightened out, drivers license and a job and eventually visitation with my or someone else's supervision. My XA had great counseling, great sponsor, church and family support and yet he drank again and again any way.
If you could wave a magic wand and "fix" everything in his life it wouldn't solve his problem... Only he can choose recovery and take the action needed.
While some are more resilient than others in childhood trauma, abuse, hardships, hurt and pain all of us have to individually seek help and healing. Many of the posters on here are adult children of alcoholics and I am one of them but the healthy among us worked hard on ourselves to grow and heal and learn how to seek out healthy relationships with others on the same path.
Your friend is distancing himself because your eyes are opening and you are being less helpful in his quest to do what alcoholics do: drink and they want to do it without anyone challenging them to change their behavior. The "brokenness" is the excuse to drink and to cause empathy from those around them .... The broken among us are all capable of finding their way out if they want healing!
I commend you for getting counseling and alanon as that will help you understand your friend and how to create healthy boundaries for yourself and your future. We understand and care...keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
MB, welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us, I'm glad you're doing some reading in the forums, and I'm glad you're going to Alanon. You've got a good head start on your own recovery!
I'd like to recommend reading the stickied threads at the top of the page, too--this is an example of the type of thing you'll find there, and it might be a good one for you at this particular point: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
What jumped out at me in reading your original post was the self-pity your A seems to be wallowing in, calling himself a "broken soul" and blaming his parents and his brother for causing his drinking. It sounds very familiar to me--my A played the same sad song for me, and it worked really well for him for many years, keeping me stuck feeling sorry for him, accepting unacceptable behavior, and trying vainly to "help" him when actual, real help was the last thing he wanted. I finally began to see the falseness of it all when I started SR and Alanon.
As others have said, you (or his mother or his father or his brother or the neighbor or the neighbor's dog) didn't cause his drinking. There are choices he can make, and right now, that choice is to push you away and protect his addiction. You have choices, too, and coming here, seeking therapy and getting to Alanon are some really smart ones!
I wish you strength and clarity as you start your journey of recovery.
I'd like to recommend reading the stickied threads at the top of the page, too--this is an example of the type of thing you'll find there, and it might be a good one for you at this particular point: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
What jumped out at me in reading your original post was the self-pity your A seems to be wallowing in, calling himself a "broken soul" and blaming his parents and his brother for causing his drinking. It sounds very familiar to me--my A played the same sad song for me, and it worked really well for him for many years, keeping me stuck feeling sorry for him, accepting unacceptable behavior, and trying vainly to "help" him when actual, real help was the last thing he wanted. I finally began to see the falseness of it all when I started SR and Alanon.
As others have said, you (or his mother or his father or his brother or the neighbor or the neighbor's dog) didn't cause his drinking. There are choices he can make, and right now, that choice is to push you away and protect his addiction. You have choices, too, and coming here, seeking therapy and getting to Alanon are some really smart ones!
I wish you strength and clarity as you start your journey of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by MB0329
Well, he broke up with me via Facebook and text while I was at a hockey game tonight. I'm devastated.
Hugs, MB--the pain will pass in time. You'll be OK. You may find help in this thread; I know I have: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Keep reading. Keep posting. YOU are learning and growing. HE is hiding in an increasingly small world. Who's better off, whether it feels like it right at this moment or not?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi MB, well your instinct was right. Don't take it as any reflection on you personally, rather it's a reaction to the fact that you are healthy and you know when something's unhealthy. He's not ready to follow his sister and friends into sobriety, not yet, and he needs to get away from anything that reminds him that his drinking is a problem.
As for you, you might have spent precious years trying to get him to treatment, years that could have been spent in a healthy mutually respectful relationship. Look after yourself and when you feel ready make a project to get out and meet plenty of people, men and women, and not necessarily on a dating site.
As for you, you might have spent precious years trying to get him to treatment, years that could have been spent in a healthy mutually respectful relationship. Look after yourself and when you feel ready make a project to get out and meet plenty of people, men and women, and not necessarily on a dating site.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello MB!
Grieve this relationship. That is perfectly normal. But think carefully about what exactly you are sad about. Is it the potential in him and the relationship or what was really happening between you and how he was.
E-hugs MB.
Grieve this relationship. That is perfectly normal. But think carefully about what exactly you are sad about. Is it the potential in him and the relationship or what was really happening between you and how he was.
E-hugs MB.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MA
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by CodeJob
Hello MB!
Grieve this relationship. That is perfectly normal. But think carefully about what exactly you are sad about. Is it the potential in him and the relationship or what was really happening between you and how he was.
E-hugs MB.
Grieve this relationship. That is perfectly normal. But think carefully about what exactly you are sad about. Is it the potential in him and the relationship or what was really happening between you and how he was.
E-hugs MB.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sometimes it's best to love someone from afar and let them go. Honey, you are young. A life with this man would be full of misery, I promise.
I am so sorry. Let yourself get through this hurt and move forward
XXX
I am so sorry. Let yourself get through this hurt and move forward
XXX
Originally Posted by MB0329
I think it's a mix of both, I just want to be with him because I care about him so much.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by MB0329
I think it's a mix of both, I just want to be with him because I care about him so much.
It's a tough question, and will take some real soul-searching on your part. You don't need to answer the question out loud to us here, but I think if you work on answering it inside, to yourself, it will go a long way toward helping you begin to move on.
I know you're in pain now, and I'm sorry for that. These threads from the stickies might give you some help, and there are others there that you might want to check out also.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-need-fix.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
You are stronger than you know. You'll make it thru.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm 28 years old and in my first serious, long-term relationship with a man that I waited around 10 years for. He's 30 years old and an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Oh, so sorry for your pain...I have been there...in my experience with my ex and now with my AH, you cannot fix their "broken soul". IMO and in my experience, the only way you can help him right now is to let him go...he needs to get help, on his own, for himself..not for you. Go to meetings...reach out to friends and family...exercise...do something that makes you happy...stay busy...day by day it will get better...hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
i keep trying to think of ways to say 'i'm happy for you' that don't sound completely insensitive - because break-ups are hard, dang it - but if you were one of my close girlfriends and i had been following along with the story of your relationship for the last several years, i would be so glad you weren't tied to someone who needed so much help anymore, so that you could concentrate on your own happiness and passions. i would probably jump up and down and smack you on the back a couple of times.
this gives you time to strengthen your boundaries and learn more, and that is a gift! to yourself, and the people around you.
this gives you time to strengthen your boundaries and learn more, and that is a gift! to yourself, and the people around you.
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