cj778449

Brief update on the job situation. His doctor agreed that he has no current diagnosis of alcoholism so his job seems secure which is great. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice!

My boyfriend (I'll use RB for recovering boyfriend) recently gave me a key to his house and has shared that he'd like me to move in at some point but we've both agreed to give it 10 months, maybe longer, to see what happens in that time. I'm not in a rush to live with someone and neither is he. I met his sister (his only sibling) last night for dinner and that was great. He's meeting some of my family in March so things are going well.

The session with his therapist was great. His therapist (I'll call him 'Bob') has been in recovery for heroin for 15 years and his insight and advice was spot-on. RB has been in therapy for a bit over a year.

Bob knew quite a bit about my family background already, from RB, and we both left the session feeling that we were going in the right direction with our 'programs' and relationship. Should our relationship continue and get more serious we've both agreed to do couples counseling BEFORE making major decisions like moving in together, getting engaged, etc.

Bob felt that our interaction is healthy (I'm not co-dependent or an enabler) and that we're both focused on our own recoveries and are working our 'programs' and not each other.

There was a brief time last year where I got uncomfortable with RB's recovery...the meetings, the program speak, etc. all reminded me of my childhood and I was scared that I had feelings for RB out solely because that lifestyle is familiar to me. Just some background, I live in a young town with bars on every block. Drinking is extremely normalized. So it was not unusual for people to drink heavily on the weekends or certain days of the week (Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday night)...even people out of college. Everyone drinks so when I met RB I had no idea he was an alcoholic and he was in denial about it until he lost his job. It wasn't until weeks later that I started connecting dots.

Shortly into his recovery I cut off contact with him until I saw for sure where he was going in his recovery. We didn't speak for a few months and when we finally did it was for 1-2 hours at coffee shops to talk and catch up. Bob mentioned that me doing that is a testament to my health and told me should my boyfriend's recovery take a turn for the worst I should do exactly that again. Advice I'll definitely take! I'm in no mood to throw out my own progress for anyone and I know better than anyone that I'm NOT the gatekeeper for someone else's recovery (my own issues are enough work).

Bob did mention that RB needs to work a better program. I completely agree. I've noticed that RB's been lax with speaking to his sponsor, making amends, etc. but I haven't mentioned it to RB directly because #1) His recovery is none of my business until either stops or it affects me negatively #2) It's not my place because I have my own issues and I'm not in a position to tell him what to do. Bob told RB that making amends is for the OTHER person NOT for him to absolve his guilt and shame. He definitely needed to hear this!!! So he's getting back on track with making a list of who he's wronged then will talk to his sponsor about how to move forward (I think that's step 7?)

Overall, my 'recovery'/spirituality takes precedent over everything else (family, friends, relationships, etc. and RB knows this as I've mentioned it during therapy and frequently. If I'm not healthy I have nothing to offer myself or anyone else. RB feels the same way about his recovery and we're enjoying each other and seeing what happens.

I've read a lot of the stories on here and trust me I've been through the ringer and have been to hell 1 million times and back.

The physical abuse by my father and later my mother, suicide attempts by BOTH my parents, long periods of homelessness, my father doing drugs and bringing prostitutes around my siblings and I, and basically "raising" my parents and siblings since I was 10 years old. I poisoned myself with resentment and anger for a long time; I was self-destructive.

When I went to college I became extremely promiscuous that first year (slept with 15-20 guys) because I couldn't content emotionally with men; sex was my only connection (as a result of living in a highly sexualized household I guess) By the grace of God I never got involved in drugs, didn't develop a drinking habit and wasn't assaulted on nights I walked home half naked from bars at 3am. He was definitely watching over me.

For the past 2 years my hope has really been renewed. At 24 I have realized that I have a lot of life to live and I'm not afraid of expecting some happiness and joy to come my way. I final love myself after years of self hatred. I deserve joy and peace...I'm ready for it...and dammit it's happening! I couldn't be more grateful. I'm closer to my siblings, I've forgiven my parents, and I'm moving on.

Thanks to all who are reading this. This is definitely not an ending to my story but a stable beginning. Everything good in my life I owe to God because it's not my doing. What an awesome start to 2015.

dandylion

cj...with the work that both of you have done and are doing, simultaneously, I think that you stand a better chance than most. You don't seem blinded by the "passion" of new l ove...LOL!
I especially, think that the premarital counseling is a good idea (for anyone getting married).

I wish you both the very best that recovery has to offer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

I've never heard of a therapist who talks about a patient to anyone else, even next of kin. Red flag? Other than that, it sounds like you're moving in the right direction and taking it slow to see what pans out.

cj778449

Bob's certified to do couples counseling as well so it was basically couples therapy with the same therapist my RB had already been seeing. Hmmm I don't see it as a red flag, we didn't talk about his private sessions with RB. We talked about our interaction as a couple and how that ties into RB's recovery.

cj778449

Dandylion thanks for the kind words!!

LemonGirl

Cj, it is so refreshing to hear a positive story. And I am glad for you! Stay on track, and no matter how RB's recovery goes, yours will be great! And you'll be just fine...

NYCDoglvr

Sorry, you didn't mention you're in couples therapy.